


The tapestries we weave

by Priori_Incanfandom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Death Eaters, F/M, Marauders, Strong Language, first wizarding war, marauder era, seventh year and beyond, voldemort - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-12 13:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 75,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1186995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priori_Incanfandom/pseuds/Priori_Incanfandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of the Marauders. It starts at the beginning of their seventh year at Hogwarts when the wizarding world is on a precipice, threatening to fall into an all out war to escape the despotic encroachment of He who must not be named. Yet while this threat looms, the Marauders and Lily Evans are still students. They still face the smaller traumas of love, loss and examinations. When their time comes and they are plunged into the very real world of war, what fate will they choose?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'll follow you into the dark

**_Seventh year students will require:_ **

****

**_Uniform:_ **

**_~ Three Sets of Plain Work Robes (Black)_ **

**_~ One Plain Pointed Hat (Black) for day wear_ **

**_~ One Pair of Protective Gloves (dragon hide or similar)_ **

**_~ One Winter Cloak (Black, silver fastenings)_ **

**_Please note that all students’ clothes should carry name-tags at all times._ **

****

**_Books:_ **

**_~ The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 7) by Miranda Goshawk_ **

**_~ Advanced Potion-Making by Libatius Borage_ **

**_~ Advanced defence against dark magic Vol. I - IV_ **

**_~ A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration by Emeric Switch_ **

**_~ Advanced Rune Translation_ **

**_Please note, this list is compiled based on student's choice of N.E.W.T.s_ **

****

**_Other Equipment_ **

**_~ 1 Wand_ **

**_~ 1 Cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)_ **

**_~ 1 set of glass or crystal phials_ **

**_~ 1 set of brass scales_ **

**_Students may also bring an Owl OR a Cat OR a Toad._ **

 

Seventh year. Seven whole years. Lily Evan's time at Hogwarts was almost up. She clutched the parchment with her equipment list tighter in her hand as the vortex of disapparation swirled and closed around her, suffocating and black.

 

Then it was gone.

 

In the place of the dark, the morning sun shone down on the winding cobbled streets of Diagon alley. Lily took one step away from where they had apparated. One step from muggle life before she found herself on the cobbled floor. She was vaguely aware that Mary, one of her closest friends, had shouted her name in warning. "Did I fall?" She asked, looking around and finding a boy her own age spread-eagled on the cobbles a few feet away. "Not exactly, Lilyflower." Mary teased. Lily made a frustrated noise somewhat like a growl. "Term hasn't even started yet, Potter, can't you wait till then to make a fool of me?" she muttered as the boy with wild black hair and hazel, bespectacled eyes hopped too lithely to his feet for someone who had just ploughed into a stationary person like a bludger. She knew it had probably been an accident but her pride wouldn't accept it.

 

"Sorry Evans, I really am. You just apparated out of nowhere" He offered her a hand to help her stand, managing to arrange his usually excited features into something more repentant. Lily looked at his hand, considering for a brief moment but took Mary's hand instead, trying to get to her feet with some measure of dignity intact. Wrong day to wear a skirt. "Is there any other way to apparate?" She asked Potter as she smoothed down her jumper. The sarcasm was lost on him, he just grinned as if they were having the sharpest banter the world had ever known.

 

Lily appraised him for a moment. "You've grown again." she said, almost shocked "Is it even healthy to grow that much?" He chuckled "You sound like my mum." James said fondly, head snapping up as a call came down the street"Oi oi Prongsie! Stop flirting, we've got work to do!" Sirius Black's voice called from the direction James had presumably been running in before Lily apparated. "Listen Evans, I am sorry…" he insisted

"I know; its fine. Now go" Lily smiled, returning them to their uneasy truce; the land of limbo in which their friendship so tentatively wandered.

 

The boy turned to go before pausing "Wait, is it alright for you to be out here, Lily?" he asked. His tone and the use of her first name made his meaning clear. Lily nodded "Yeah, Mary's mum is here and there are plenty of Aurors about." She nodded

"Right well take care and uh, congrats on the head girl thing." he smiled, turning and loping off to find his friend. Lily decided right then that he was entirely too light on his feet to be so solid, her side was aching a little from the point of their collision, She often thanked Merlin for the miracles quidditch could do. She did not thank it for the miracle of James potter's deceptive strength.

 

 "How does he know about me being head girl? I don't have my pin" She asked out loud to no one in particular.

"I told Remus." Mary grinned, the type of grin she had when she knew something that Lily didn't, admittedly it didn't happen too often but it still infuriated Lily when it did. She went to ask but Mary insisted that they had to start shopping and before Lily could argue she was being dragged around by her friend.

 

Lily sighed and followed. "This isn't going to last, is it?" She asked, gesturing around at the peace of morning. Already people were quickening their pace, shoulders hunched, a vague energy was building in the air, like an electrical surge before a storm. Mary shook her head "We need to be gone within the hour so mum's gone to get some of our stuff for us, she'll meet us after we've been to Flourish and Blotts. Lily we don't have time to browse." She said earnestly, the lightness of the moment before gone as they took a realistic look around. Nowhere in the wizarding world was safe for witches like Lily now. The only safe haven for Muggleborns was Hogwarts. It was an incredible risk to have even left the house.

An Eleven year old Lily had taken one look at the meandering street with overhanging buildings, bright colours and indecipherable objects and declared it as like falling through a looking glass, with every step curiouser and curiouser. Then it became a home to her, place of joy and comfort and belonging. Over the years she had taken to spending her summer holidays in the Diagon alley's shops and cafes, immersing herself in the wizarding world to escape the muggle life she no longer conformed to.  But now Lily was being ostracised from this life too.  Voldemort's influence was on the rise. He was crafting a cult of personality, cultivating his numbers. Attacks on Muggleborns were increasing. His deranged caste of wizards would kill her if they had the slightest chance. Her blood-status made her weak and inferior to them but it also made her dangerous. Just as deadly to their ideals as every other Muggleborn who knew their way around a spell book. Muggleborns did not fall in line with Voldemort’s eugenics, his superior race. Muggleborns with skill and talent and hope threatened the pure-blood aristocracy and values. They had to be extinguished.

 ...

"So" Mary said once they were in the potions section of Flourish and Blotts "What's the story with you and James now?" She asked, keeping her tone light. Lily concentrated on looking intently at the spines of the books before them, so much so that she didn't notice anyone else enter the stand of shelves. "Potter?" She asked her friend blankly "You know the story there." She said, pulling a book down to inspect it before putting it back "Do I?" Mary prompted with an enquiring look, causing Lily to sigh "FINE. After the whole Snape-Mudblood thing at the end of fifth year, Potter kind of left me alone for a bit. So naturally I thought he must have only been stalking me and asking me out to piss Snape off. I mean I was his best friend and he hated Potter. It would have hurt him badly if I’d agreed to date James. I doubt he ever would have bothered me if it wasn’t for Snape…" She explained. She knew that Mary knew this and that Mary thought both Snape and potter fancied her enormously but Lily didn’t understand it. Why would either half-blood want to be with her? Why would anyone? "But …" Mary prompted, walking to the other side of the shelf to look at care of magical creatures books

"But…" Lily continued "A few months into sixth year Potter’s little group started hanging out with ours a little more. I tried to hate him as much as I used to, I honestly did, but he was so laid back and kind that it was exhausting trying to invent reasons to dislike him. I don't have the energy for two viscous hate campaigns, trust me I tried it and it turns out it is so much easier to loathe Severus Snape. Potter is lesser of two evils … the path of least resistance." She said "But I do think he could be a friend. I just need a little more proof before I can trust him like I trust you. I don’t really know all that much about him other than the mischief everyone else knows too … Maybe he’s matured since then."

 

Mollified, Mary left to hunt down more books and Lily found her potions book, staring down at her booklist as she walked, predictably walking in to someone she hadn't realised was there "Oh Merlin, I'm so sorr-" She stopped  as she looked up at the sallow face of Severus Snape. "It's fine." He muttered shortly after a lengthy pause"I wouldn't want to get in the way of your hate campaign" He said meaningfully. He had heard, she cringed a little at that.

"You don't get to guilt trip me like that. You don't get to talk to me anymore. You gave that up in fifth year. I suggest you don't try it again" She snapped, her tone made angrier by her embarrassment. She knew she took herself too seriously when she was clumsy, too harsh on herself and it made her lash out but Snape deserved it, Potter had not. "Or what? You'll set the Gryffindor attack dogs on me?" He sneered. She ignored him, going back to how she always acted when around him. She imagined there was an impenetrably thick glass wall between them and she waked away. Trying to chase away the spiteful conversation before it triggered her memories of him and the ache of grief she still felt, despite his betrayal. It wasn’t like she had decided to stop liking her best friend that day in fifth year; it was like he had died.

 

Lily knew she wouldn't have time to find the books on her own, passing her list over to shop assistant she knew with a hopeful smile “You want me to find all of these, Evans?" She asked. Megan Bell was a few years older than Lily but they knew each other well. "For me, Bell?" She asked with a sweet smile. "Fine, but only 'cos I know you're not really supposed to be out here right now, hell I'm not supposed to be working but it's one of the busiest shopping days of the year so..." She said darkly as she led Lily around the shop, stacking the books she needed into a pile which floated beside them as they walked, dodging other shoppers bustling around, all looking equally harassed. "Six NEWTs though, Lils? I'm impressed; I only took thee, got three Os though." She said, trying to keep up a conversation with Lily who was starting to succumb to her thoughts. "Hm? Oh well done … I'd love to have your job, to be surrounded by books all day" Lily smiled. The older girl shook her head "No one wants to work in a shop, Lily. It's just a stepping stone.  The novelty of it wears off fast.” They finally reached the till and Lily had a reprieve to appreciate the beauty of this shop. Every inch of wall was covered in heavy set shelves which groaned under the weight of so many books, bowing in the face of the knowledge they held. Then of course the shelves themselves grew upwards, up past the two mezzanine floors. Some of the very highest books had to be reached by summoning charms or huge polished wooden ladders on tracks, which she supposed had a charm of their own. Then there were the shelves which sprung from roots every few yards and towered up like ancient trunks, making the layout of the shop into a maze or a forest and casting comfortable shadows throughout the shop. Finally there was the odd squashy armchair and random pile of books strewn about like shrubberies.

 

"Anything else then?" Bell asked. "Just an owl order please, I wanted to get a few books on healing but now isn't really the time to browse…"

"I get that." She sighed. "Healing though, I'm impressed Lils, it's a damn hard job." Lily just nodded. When Bell pulled up the price Lily raised her eyebrows, receiving a wink back "I can't let you give me a discount!" Lily argued but she was shushed. "Muggleborn privilege, you don't hear that everyday … we've got to stick together." she winked gain

"Thank you, Megan." She smiled, picking up the bags that weighed tons. 

"No problem, just get home safe." She said with a sisterly affection in her eyes that Lily hadn't seen from 'Tuney in years.

 

As she weaved her way back to the door she realised how dark it had become, inside and out; far too dark to be justified by something as innocent as cloud cover, especially so early in such a fine day. At that moment a several things happened in quick succession. The heavens opened and the heaviest rain Lily had ever seen pelted down onto the street, ricocheting back up with the force of its descent. There was a flash of white blanket lightning that illuminated every surface Lily could see and thunder rolled around, making the very air vibrate. Mass confusion broke out as people panicked, their fears realised, people were moving so fast Lily got span round, ending up with a clear view of the potions section where Snape was still standing, joined now by two other Slytherins, one of the Carrow twins and Rodolphus Lestrange. Someone apparated beside them, someone tall, dressed in a cloak and mask, wand at the ready; a death eater. Lily's eyes widened in horror and she yanked her hood up to hide her distinctive hair, running for the door, screaming for Mary. She noticed now that a lot of people were screaming. She broke free of Flourish and Blotts, looking around wildly as she heard her own name being called.

 

She needed her wand, she needed to fight. Fear, rain and bags were making her clumsy though. Suddenly hands were on her, pulling her down as a blast of green light blew over her. She gasped, in that moment truly believing that she was dead. A few breaths later and lily realised she hadn't been killed, that the hands on her had pushed her beneath the reach of the curse's glow, saving her life. She struggled to see who had held her down, noticing that their grip had loosened. She paled, gagging as she understood. Meg. Dear, sweet Megan Bell, the best sister she had ever known, had thrown Lily from the path of the killing curse. Now she was lying, glassy eyed and pale on the street. All of her life leeched away by the green glow. Lily screamed, only stopping when Mary was in front of her. Mary pulled a cloak over Lily's muggle clothes, trying to disguise her as she dragged her away from the corpse that still held a touch of defiance, even in a death mask.

 

Mary was pulling an unresponsive Lily along, the weather disorientating her, every way she turned curses were being shot through smoke and fog.  Faceless Death eaters were advancing undeterred in droves as people tried to fight back. It would have been a bloodbath if Voldemort's slaves had enough mercy to merely wound. Lily was pulled to the floor by her friend, head protected in her embrace. The only sight she had was a sliver of vision not covered by her hood. Everything was grey; cobbles and buildings, legs running past and the bodies that fell. Only flashes of light from duels now taking place boke up the grey, illuminating the battle in the street. Lily moved her head to see four boys standing back to back, firing curses in every direction. Remus Lupin noticed the girls first, unable to break off his duel to stop the death eater advancing on them. Lily saw the panic in his eyes and understood. She had to protect Mary as Megan had protected her. Lily found her wand in her hand. She didn't know how it got there, or how her hand had started bleeding so profusely but she pushed Mary down, screaming a curse at the death eater who clearly had not expected any resistance from the two girls tangled together, marooned amid the sea of light. He fell to the street, unconscious. Lily was just wheeling to face another when she felt a hand on her cloak and then she was suffocating. She was lost in the dark with no air for so long, too long. Long enough by far to realise she was apparating with someone. She finally landed; face first in the carpet of her own hallway in her house in surrey, so far from the fight where people were dying.

 

The pink carpet was too warm, too dry, too safe and homely. She clawed at it, panicked and confused. Where were the lights, the screams and the people? She gasped for air, forcing herself to calm and look up. Mrs Macdonald, Mary's mother, was standing over the two girls, piles of books and supplies radiating from them around the hall. "I didn't think I'd get to you in time, loves." She panted, sinking to her knees beside them "You both did so well, keeping each other safe." She said, wrapping an arm around her daughter. That was when Lily's mum emerged from the lounge, paling when she saw them lying in the hallway, Lily's bloodied hand and the grazes on her face.

 

Mrs Macdonald explained what happened to her in as little detail as possible whilst patching both girls up. Lily vaguely knew she was in shock. That was why her mother was force feeding her tea. She eventually realised it was bloody hot and chocked a little, trying to stop the scorching flow through her mouth. She pulled back and touched her face, checking the damage. No cuts had escaped the attention of the capable healer before her but it was still tender. "The bruises will be mostly gone by tomorrow morning   but your hand will need to be looked after for a few days, a curse rebounded, something nasty by the looks of it but barely any of it hit you. I'll let Madame Pomfrey know to take a look at it.” She said calmly, seeing Lily wince. “Is there anything else I can do for you, Lily sweetheart?" She asked. Lily gave her a weak smile, still dazed "Can I borrow some of your healing books?" She asked "Sure thing, poppet" she nodded with a smile.

 

A while later Lily realised the Macdonalds had left and that her mother had taken all of her new supplies up to her room, no doubt stacked them neatly by her trunk ready to pack. She always wanted to help, but she never interfered. Lily let her mother have this, her last chance to look after her before she left; she wondered bleakly if she would ever come back. That was a mental debate for another day. She drank tea and took painkillers when she was told to, eating to let the sugar pull her back above the surface of the shock. But beneath it everything felt dull and warm, nothing really hurt. When she snapped out of it, it was like her body emerging from a mountain lake in winter, the air was so cold it stung in her lungs and teeth; the pain in her hand was dizzying. She was not going to sleep that night. There were too many lights flaring beneath her eyelids, reflecting on featureless faces that advanced on her in her dreams.


	2. Thank you, Benjamin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fallout from yesterday's Death Eater attack and an alliance long in the making ...

The morning prophet brought more news of what broke out in Diagon alley with it; the content would hardly put Mrs Evans' mind at rest.

 

The article was titled 'Muggleborn Massacre' and below this the by-line read ' _Peter Skeeter investigates the macabre motives behind yesterday’s Death Eater rampage through busy shopping streets._ ' The report took up half of the paper; the rest was filled by various ministry workers of import assuring the public that they were safe, that everything possible was being done to find those responsible. Lily knew better than to believe them, Muggleborn or not. Some photographs inside the paper showed smoke still spiralling from Vincent Fotescue's café as he and his son stood outside it, shaking. It was reported that Mrs Fortescue hadn't survived; it also mentioned a shop assistant who had been working in Flourish and Blotts. It didn't even mention Megan's name, just that her body had been found.

 

Lily glanced at the clock, five AM, a few hours before anyone else woke. Lily sat on her bed, reading the paper from cover to cover in the dawn hours, the story becoming darker with each passing moment in which the sun rose and her room became lighter. If only the muggles knew what was coming for them, closer and faster and stronger every day like some terrible juggernaut. Then they would fear the dawn as Lily Evans did.

 

A horrific chain of events had unfolded, she discovered, resulting in the deaths of eleven Muggleborn shoppers, five workers, including Mrs' Fortescue and Megan … and one young pureblood. Two half-bloods had been kidnapped after a standoff in the defence of Muggleborn children.

 

A passage read '... _twenty death eaters gathered at the junction of alleys Diagon and Knocktern midmorning yesterday, one of the busiest shopping days of the year. In masks and robes they demanded that their brothers of pureblood not be foolish enough to stand in their way. Before the majority of shoppers knew what was happening, two were dead of unforgivable curses. In the confusion that ensued, many shoppers took up the fight rather than fleeing. One of the most unified stands against the that of you know who's forces also resulted in the highest civilian death toll we have seen since the battle of Salem over 200 years ago.._.'

 

An eyewitness account on the next page caught Lily's attention. A shopper explaining the moment Florian and Vincent Fortescue had lost their livelihoods. '…’ _well I saw the death eaters going for the café, 'spose it was on account of Vince being Muggleborn and marryin' a pure blood. He was dragging young Florian away, tellin' him not to look. Then it went up, no one could get near but them lads, all four of em realised that Marge Fortescue must have been inside and they all piles into this burning building. They were just bairns, barely seventeen if they were a day. We all thought they was dead. Three carried her out in the end, looking around for the fourth when the healers went for the lady. He was gone, we were certain. Then he comes out of the shop next door carrying little old Mr Whisp over his shoulder just 'fore that'n went up, no idea how he ended up in the Quidditch store but he needs a medal that lad. I'd tell him he were a hero if I saw him, mind… I'd recognise him an all, all that mad black hair …' 'Both Mr Kennilworthy Whisp, author of 'Quidditch Throughout The ages' and owner of Quality Quidditch Supplies Shop, and Mrs Margery Fortescue of Fortescue's cafe were side along apparated to St. Mungo's for treatment immediately. Whilst Whisp is still being treated for serious burns and inhalation of toxic fumes (from exploding quidditch equipment), Mrs Fortescue was sadly pronounced deceased during the night by a St. Mungo's spokesperson. The family are said to be …'_

 

Lily stared at the page, rereading it several times, praying it wouldn't say that the next time she read it. She knew some of the dead well but the fear rising in her was not for Fortescue. She knew a seventeen year old boy with mad black hair. More specifically, she knew a seventeen year old boy with mad black hair who had been in Diagon alley that day and who was stupid enough to run into a burning building. She knew who all four boys were: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and James Potter. Also known by the rather grand title of ‘the Marauders’, they were revered by the populous of Hogwarts for clever tricks and bad ideas. The boys had mellowed during their sixth year at Hogwarts but Lily had still believed that they were up to something behind the scenes, never really able to trust them as fully as she wanted to.

 

But potter; Potter had led the charge into a fire to save lives. A humourless laugh, more like a hysterical gasp left her lips as the heroic image of potter in the paper was compared to the bully turned clown of her memories. It seemed that 'that arrogant little toe rag, potter' was gone. This boy was new … This was James. James was the kind of boy who would choose to save a life rather than torment it. Lily had begrudgingly gotten to know him a little the previous year but this event warranted him re-evaluation. Lily had changed utterly since fifth year, her whole life had. Why couldn't Potter have turned it around too? She questioned herself. Lily had been taught by Severus Snape that none was black and white. People are painted in shades of grey.

 

Lily reflected on her life without Snape. She shouted less now that she didn't have to argue with him or about him. She had real friends now, a whole group of girls she was blessed to have, who accepted her despite her being a Muggleborn. Having four girls who loved her unconditionally was more than she could ever deserve. Even the marauders were slowly becoming friends. Despite this utopian image, she knew life outside Hogwarts was getting dangerous. It was as clear to see as the dawn-light inching across her carpet. Voldemort was rising. Voldemort. She would think the name loud and clear. She wouldn't let him and his cult of personality rule her thoughts through terror as with others. She knew her blood status made her a target. She knew she was no match for him alone but she would not lie down and take her murder. She would fight for every second if she must. The loss of Severus had made this war real to her, thrown her into her new passion, healing. She knew there would be people needing healers in the war that was bound to come.

 

Somewhere in this stream of consciousness, in the heat of anger and in her grief for those lost as she had ran, she vowed never to run again. Somewhere in that stream of consciousness the Marauders became friends and Potter became James as Sev had become Snape. She could see the entire board stretched out before her. No life would be left untouched by Voldemort's campaign. Everyone would be piece in the game, the only difference was which side of the board you chose to start on. It was all just chess.  It was time to pick a side, decide who your friends were. You need as many as you can gather in times like these.

 

 

Another story caught her eye and she picked up the prophet again. _'Muggle couple murdered. Mr and Mrs Brown of county Durham were killed a few days ago in their home. A post-mortem examination revealed that they were in fact in perfect health. further searches of their home showed that burglary was not the killer's motive and the home showed no sign of forced entry. Baffled, muggle police are extending a plea for information on the whereabouts of the couple's two children. The Prophet can reveal that their twelve year old son, Marcus, who will be attending his second year of study at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry with the coming term, achieved a remarkable feat. Upon the invasion of his home, Marcus ran to the room of his four year old sister, Rose, and managed to apparate them both to the home of a friend. Marcus and Rose are now under the protection of the ministry_ ….'

 

Stories like this had started appearing all over the country, always the parents of young Muggleborn students. Marcus and his sister had been lucky, most children perished with their parents

 

A few days earlier Alice, a friend of Lily's, had visited and they had discussed the occurring trend of these attacks. She recalled their conversation _' … "You know why they never come for older students?" Alice asked, throwing the day’s prophet away in disgust. Lily looked up in surprise, responding quickly nonetheless "We'd put up too much of a fight … Alice, do you think my parents will be safe when I'm gone?" Lily voiced the question that had been troubling her for weeks. She found her answer in Alice's silence._ '

 

She found the answer again in the silence of the sleeping house. In a few hours she would be leaving for the safety of Hogwarts, with Dumbledore watching over her. She would be leaving her Muggle family almost defenceless against possible attacks if the death eaters came calling. She was disgusted with herself; they would kill her family if they found them. Unable to bear the thought, she cast a disillusionment charm on herself and left the house silently, yet again breaking her promise to her friends to never go outside alone. Flitwick had taught her some basic spells to conceal traces of magic and confuse wizards for this very purpose. Lily proceeded to layer them around the short terrace of homes. They were by no means impenetrable but they would throw the scent off her family, buy them time. She had been adding to the layers of protection almost every night of the holidays, just needing to know something was being done to keep them all safe.

 

 

She returned to her room to check her trunk one last time. With everything in order she fell into the nostalgic routine of packing a backpack for the journey. The contents never varied from year to year. Exploding snap cards, chocolate frog cards, a few books, a small photo album, wizarding sweets and a small set of wizard’s chess who whined at being handled so early in the morning. Lily also laid the prophet on top of the rest, knowing it was the only thing she would touch on the trip. Everything else in the bag was a crutch; memories of when it had been safe and happy to help her carry on, to help her hope.

 

The bedroom door opened as Lily was fastening the backpack "Oh, you're already up" Her mother said, smiling gently, ginger hair like Lily's framing  her kind face, Lily was struck again with the guilt of leaving them all. The worry in her mother’s eyes was clear. It had been necessary to explain the bare facts of the situation with her family but their knowledge was minimal. They knew there was danger in Lily's world and that it could reach them, they just wanted Lily to be safe. "Breakfast in fifteen minutes then" her mum said "Oh and your dad wants to leave early to beat the traffic … but Petunia …" she sighed "It's alright mum, I get it" Lily smiled weakly. Her sister hated her now more than ever.

 

Lily blamed Snape for how their relationship had turned out, for petunia's jealousy. He had made Lily read the letter from Dumbledore which was addressed to her sister all those years ago, but she blamed Snape for most things now. She wondered what seeing him with the Death Eater yesterday meant. Maybe he had finally done what she always feared he was going to. She wondered if he would be sitting a few streets away, staring at the convulsing black tattoo on his arm, the open wound that marked him as property of Voldemort, marked them as enemies in the real word as well as in the grounds of Hogwarts. The thought viciously sliced open the wound in her chest that smouldered around the edges whenever she thought of her once friend.

 

…

 

It was only eight when Lily and her parents plunged through the wall at platform 9 ¾, a full hour earlier than even the earliest usually arrived.  Lily found a nearby bench to sit on, drinking in the sight of the scarlet engine whilst she listened to her parents bicker gently "Well it's better than being late" Harold Evans sighed

"We still had to endure your manic driving, we could have at least set off a little later" Eleanor retorted.

"What about the traffic?" her husband implored

"There was no traffic, Harold." it was at this point that Lily decided to intervene before the bickering got real.

"Hey, mum. Could you help me with my head girl badge please?" She asked, distracting her mum with a hesitant smile.

"Oh of course, sweetheart" Her mother smiled, taking the small red pin, gently attaching the badge to her jumper with great care and an air of bestowing a huge honour upon her. Lily's father started to walk up the lonely platform, his daughter looking after him curiously "We're very proud of you, you know? We both are. I know we don't understand much of your world, Lily, but you're still our daughter … I think that your dad is just realising that that doesn't mean you're still our little girl" She smiled sadly, absently adjusting Lily's hair. "Just promise me you'll stay safe?" Lily nodded, a little awed by her mother’s attitude.

 

"Mum…" She bit her lip. "It's not safe in my world, but it's only going to get worse, especially when I leave school. I don't know how to stay out of it, or if I even want to." Lily knew that this would be her war through consequence if not through her own cause, her blood ensured it. Her mother frowned, cupping Lily's cheek in her delicate hand. "Sweetheart. I trust you and the choices you make. If you truly believe in a cause enough to fight for it I will support you in any way I can. If that means I can't see you again … I'll take that Lily. To me it's more important than you fight for what you love than cowering for safety in our little muggle house in Surrey … Remember our Benjamin Franklin quote, sweetie" She said seriously, but Lily had to smile at that. Lily and her parents had, well she supposed you could call it a hobby, of collecting quotations they liked. It didn't matter where they were from; books, films, famous figures, political leaders or from history, if they liked them her mother wrote them up in a little book in the calligraphy she had learnt as a girl. Generally Americans were not their favourites to quote, much too grandiose and rhetoric in their language, but this fitted quite perfectly. "They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither" Lily quoted, realising what her mother was giving her permit ion to do. Her eyes widened and she hugged her mum close. Petunia had managed to weaken the maternal bond between Lily and their mother over time but Lily could feel it now, feel the sacrifice her mother was making to let her live. Lily hoped that, should she survive this war to a time when she could have children, she would be as selfless to protect her own or to let them live as freely.

 

"Oh Benjamin Franklin has reminded me…" Her mother said, pulling back from their hug "I have a present for you  ... Well more like a little bundle of presents, I may have gotten a little carried away." She laughed nervously, leading Lily to a bench. "Well that was both tremendously kind and unexpected of him" Lily said with a smile, following her to sit down.

"Well first I er, bought you the sweets you like  ...  And that new jumper I saw you pining after" She said

"Oh mum you didn't have to" Lily said quietly, knowing that her mum was just trying to mother her a little longer "Thank you so much" She smiled, taking them and helping her mum disperse the huge bundle of sweets throughout her trunk and gently lay the jumper on top. "Oh and dear, before you close it, I want to give you this. I know how much you enjoy it so I made you your own copy with all of your favourites … there's still pages free for you to write your own in too" She babbled, hesitantly producing a thick A5 book, it's outside cover a tan brown with the word 'Quotations' written across its front in curing, flowing script "Mum, is this…?" She whispered, opening the book to find it half full of her favourite quotations that they had found together. "I  thought you might like to add some wizarding things in there too, to reflect both important parts of your life while remembering home" Lily looked up, tears in her eyes

"Oh mum" She whispered, hugging her tight, cradling the book ever so gently with her other arm. "Really, thank you so much" she whispered "I love it." She pulled back and they shared a teary smile as Lily realised others were arriving. "Let's get you a compartment, my daring" Her mother said, taking her hand.

 

By the time Lily had chosen a compartment and stowed her luggage, the platform was filling up. There was a more urgent atmosphere than normal lining the platform, like some strange kind of dementor sliding between the gaps in the crowd. "Was there anything in your paper about yesterday, love?" her mum asked as they went back to the platform. Lily nodded "We got out before the worst of it" She swallowed, forcing the image of Megan from her mind. She felt a hand on her shoulder and smiled ruefully at her mother before hearing her name being called and her friends surrounding her. Mary had written to all of the others during the night, telling them the bare bones of what had happened. They all held each other, thanking every being of note for each other's safety and vowing to talk properly on the train, there were too many people about to talk freely now. Lily was overwhelmed by the care they were giving her but something else on her mind. The four Gryffindor boys had ran into a burning building. She needed to know that they were all okay.

 

While the other girls went to load up their things, Lily noticed all of the parents in deep conversation so slipped away while no one was looking. The platform was utterly packed. So much so that she had to fight her way to bench and stand atop it to see anything at all over the crowd. She spotted the four boys moving through the crowd in perfect synchronisation with one another. The collective noun 'pack' seemed to apply to them best as she watched them. They were moving as one, in the positions they always held, James at the fore, Remus and Sirius on his flanks and Peter between them, bringing up the rear. They were all looking around, concerned looks on their faces but for James whose expression bordered on manic as they weaved through the crowd. But they were okay, all walking around and standing tall.

 

"James!" peter squeaked, tugging on the back of his friend’s hoodie. "What, Wormy, where?" He wheeled around to look at Peter who pointed directly at Lily. "You guys get to the train" James said, making a B-line for her but Remus' hand was on his arm "You're not the only one worried about her, Prongs" He reminded James  meaningfully before he and Peter fell in on Sirius' flanks, forming an arrowhead as they moved to the train, all glancing over at Lily as they went.

 

Lily was surprised by the show of dissent from within the Marauder pack, especially when James started towards her, looking fractionally more relaxed. She had been too far away to hear the conversation but soon James was in front of her bench.

 

"Are you alright?" They both demanded at the same time, confused looks crossing their faces

"Why wouldn't I-"

"Sorry -"

"You …" They both trailed off with little awkward smile

 

"You first" James insisted gently. Lily nodded "Well, all four of you went into a burning building, and then you somehow ended up next door. You were in there a hell of a long time by the sounds of it. Are you alright?" She demanded, still looking down on him from atop the bench. He nodded "Look Lils, they had her, they were on their way out but I thought their kid was still in there too. I had a look around as best I could and then I saw him outside through a window. My door out got blocked as I saw the rest of them on the street with Mrs F.  A beam fell right across the door … I was happy to stay there if everyone else was safe, but I heard this shouting from next door. There was a really mild explosion that knocked out the connecting wall so I ran through and there was Whisp trapped under a beam twice his weight, his wand across the room. I got him out and ran from the place with him. It turns out when you heat up a bludger it flies about twice as fast and explodes when it hits things, gives out this weird gas … Whisp went to Mungo's and my mum fixed the four of us up back at my place later on … She's a healer. Mooney was the worst of us but he's alright now, if a little grouchier than his usual self" he smiled earnestly "Now are you okay, Evans?"

 

 Lily had absorbed his story with rapt attention; she looked shocked when it was fired back at her again "Why wouldn't I be?" She asked blankly "We saw you on the floor Lily, then you were up and duelling, you would have been a terrifying thing to fight against if Mrs M hadn't got to you …. I never knew you were any good with a wand. Well I did, but charms and transfiguration and stuff, not duelling, er" He lost his thread for a moment, righting himself quickly "Yeah, but there was blood everywhere and you had, you had this look in your eyes that scared me Evans, I'm not going to lie. It wasn't safe for you to be there at all and then when the fighting broke out … You're a target Evans." He said simply. "I won't be a prisoner, James. I want be ferried from Hogwarts to home under armed guard, I'm going to live my life" She snapped, too defensive considering the care and concern he was showing her.

 

"Oh shit, James. I'm sorry, please" She took a deep breath, calming herself "I keep being bloody horrendous to you, sorry." She swallowed "Megan died to save me yesterday." She said it out loud for the first time and her eyes pricked violently "Megan Bell. I need you to that so you know I'm not being selfish when I say I won't be a prisoner. What she did, she did knowing it would help me live, not just survive. I won't be a prisoner to Voldemort and his fear tactics" Several people around them flinched at the name, but not James, he was concentrating on her words closely. "But at the same time I won't be a prisoner of my own fear and hide from Voldemort. Because either way, that's just surviving, Megan wanted me to live. I'm going to the front line and I'm going to fight as damn hard as I can, James. I know that's rich coming from me. I can barely duel and my healing repertoire isn't huge yet and yesterday I was weak but … oh Merlin this all too existential for this time on a morning …" She breathed

 

"No don't stop" James enthused, enthralled by the way she was speaking "Existentialism … like Jean Paul Sartre, right?"  Lily blinked at him in surprise and nodded.

"When you're faced with compliance to something that every fibre of you detests and reviles at, or death, what do you do?" She asked him.

"You could find a third way?" He suggested. There he was, that James with an almost hopeful glint in his eye, always the trickster of fate, switching threads on the tapestries we spend our whole lives weaving. He was always searching for his happy loophole of consciousness, the hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams. "That's cheating, James. The whole point is that there's no third way. No secret tunnel out of your choice. It has to be made. It demands to be made. What do you do?"  He didn't hesitate

"You die trying." She nodded

"Megan taught me that yesterday. So yes I am fine. No I'm not. I'm both, I guess. I need time to get my head around this, but physically, I'm fine. Just a little sleep deprived from the shock.” He nodded, taking a moment to absorb it all.

 

"Okay" He said

"Okay?

"Okay"

 

Once the little volley was over he held his hand up to her. "You want to get down from there?" He asked. She nodded and took his hand with her non bandaged one; he started to lead her through the crowd when they were on the same level. Well, their feet were on the same level, now Lily was shorter by a larger deviation than she had been taller up on the bench. "So … will you four be sitting with us?" She asked.

"Uh, if you've got the space?" he asked, surprised by the invite. She nodded, explaining that pretty much all of the girls would be in and out of the compartment to visit boyfriends or catch up with girls from other houses.  "Oh and I've got to go give a lecture to the new prefects before lunch … head girl duties." She sighed "I'm guessing I'll find out who my head boy is when I get there."

 

“Actually Evans …" James said uncertainty. The colour drained from Lily's already pale face

"No … you're not" She whispered, aghast. James nodded and pointed to the pin on his hoodie.

"I'm sorry Evans. I'll stay out of your way. I won't bother you …" The torrent of declaratives wore on, but they became background noise to Lily, like the dull thud of bubbling at the base of the falls. What had she done to this poor boy to make him so scared of upsetting her? "Whoa James, whoa." She smiled, tying to stem the flow.

"You called me James … you have been all morning" He realised. She nodded and took a deep breath

"I'm realising that I've kind of been a bitch to you for quite a few years, no don't argue, I'm trying to be nice right now" She held up her hand as he went to defend her. "And what you did yesterday, all of the little things that you've been doing for a while, is adding up to make me realise that now you need a second chance. Can we start over?" She asked, looking up at him, taking her hand out of his and holding it up to him "Lily … it's nice to meet you" She prompted. After a blank moment he grinned and shook her hand "James, it's a pleasure" He smiled.

 

He paused just before they got on the train, the final whistles blowing. “All that stuff you were saying earlier … Sartre and doing what we think is right … you really, honestly believe that, despite what they'd do to you if you got caught?” She nodded. “They'd hurt me either way, I'd rather laugh as they do it because I’ll  know that I caused them problems than sob because I ran as a coward and got caught anyway … They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither" She quoted. He nodded thoughtfully, clearly impressed. Thank you Benjamin Franklin she thought as she boarded the train at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said i was going to name chapters after songs but that was a blatant lie, sorry chaps. Anyway, I hope you Liked this. I'm hoping to speed it up a bit now, though conversely you may have to wait a little longer for chapter three, if anyone is reading this that is. Sorry about how existential it was getting, i'll be straying back into action in the coming chapters.
> 
> If by some strange happenstance you are in fact reading this, leave a comment. Let me know what you think.


	3. Potter's paradigm shift and the sealed fate of Severus Snape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Severus, what have you done?

The train ride had been one of the best Lily could remember, despite the conditions surrounding it. The nine of them had sat, passing around the prophet and debating as they ate sweets. Lily and James seemed to have won the hearts and minds of their prefects in record time and enthused them about the disappointing reality of patrolling corridors and shouting at first years. The feast too had had an odd atmosphere. Many Muggleborns were missing from the four long tables and both the sorting hat and headmaster gave dire messages but somehow the boys managed to keep the atmosphere up amongst the Gryffindors. Even then Lily couldn't help noticing a pale second year boy sitting alone at the Ravenclaw table; Marcus Brown, the boy from the prophet. It was on their first Saturday back when something first went very wrong though.

 

The Marauders were hanging around a lone tree on the grounds, lazily watching the labelled dots drift around on the map they had developed over the past few years. "It's working perfectly" Remus sighed, looking at it as a proud father would his child. "So it should … it took more work than I've ever done for school" Sirius said, reaching out to snatch some of Peter's sweets. James was in his own world, lounging on a low hanging tree branch as he thought; reflecting on the last week or so. Until a chocolate frog hit him squarely on the nose, that is. "Watch it Padfoot!" He snapped, overbalancing and landing on his arse on the ground a few feet below.

"Oh come off it prongs, you've been on planet Evans for half the week. I thought her talking to you would make your little despondent patches a little less frequent" Sirius said, waving a liquorice wand accusingly. James rolled his eyes. "Shut it Pads, I've … I've made a decision … About Lily."

 

"To think he used to blush at even calling her 'Evans' " Remus smirked before giving James his full attention. James nodded and in eight words he made is three friends utterly re-evaluate their lives and their relationship with James. They all sat, silent and ashen faced, just staring around. "Oh for love of Merlin's baggy Y fronts. Someone say something, it's not like I've used a confundus on you" James sighed. “Bloody hell, Padfoot what’s the matter with you?" He snapped, already far too insecure about his choice. "What's the matter with me?" Sirius echoed "What the hell's the matter with you, Potter?" He demanded, flicking him in the face with a mildly chewed liquorice wand to try and snap him out of his madness, that or exorcise the demon who was currently body snatching his best mate. He hoped demons weren’t fans of black liquorice, from the near dangerous look and James' face, he certainly wasn't.

 

"James? Prongs?  Prongsie?  Repeat what you said very slowly.” James sighed deeply, looking to Peter and Remus or confirmation that it was in fact Sirius who had lost his mind. He didn't find it. The previous mirth of the other boys was gone, they looked at James almost sorrowfully, like he was in a bed at Mungo’s that he would never rise from and James snapped. "I'm not going to ask Lily out again" He repeated firmly.

“But, but” Sirius seemed to have run out of energy; he slumped down at James' feet, still grappling with the concept of a life where his best friend was not relentlessly pursuing Lily Evans. Eventually he asked “Why? I mean ...six years. Six damn years I’ve listened to you bang on about how perfect she is! About why you love her, and we helped you with the plans to impress her or win her over. Hell, hearing you extoll her virtues has made me fall in love with her a little and I started off thinking she was as cold hearted as they came.” James' eyes narrowed for a split second behind his glasses but he calmed himself, he sounded exhausted when he finally spoke

"And exactly how many of our amazing plans have actually worked, Pads?" He asked, to which Sirius hesitated

"Well yeah, but … you can't just give up" he said earnestly, his hysteria subsiding.

"Give up?" James repeated blankly "GIVE UP? I'M NOT GIVING U-" he started to roar but Remus cut him off with his calm, commanding air that was so rare that it was always forceful enough to quell James and Sirius' arguments.

 

"James, do you still feel the same way about Lily?" Remus asked.

“YES I DO AND YOU DAMN WELL KNOW IT” James yelled at him, earning glances from nearby groups on the lawns. Remus didn’t retaliate, he didn’t even flinch at the volume that was hurled at him, impressive considering the full moon had only been a few days before and he was still hypersensitive. It only served to make James feel worse. To escape the feeling he turned to Wormtail "You've been withholding your opinion … Let's hear it. Everyone else has had their say." James sighed heavily. 

“I don’t understand” Peter mumbled eventually. “Why give up if you still like her?”

 

"I'm not giving up … I still have a plan. You all just went crazy before I could finish." James sat up straighter "Think about it, every time I asked her out it just made her hate me more. I've got a second chance with her now, a chance to really get to know her. If I can get to be her friend then maybe there's a chance for me to be more. Its September now, we have until June. I'd be amazed enough to call myself her friend, if she ended up feeling like I do … that would be amazing. But I refuse to go back to full on stalker mode, no matter what happens." He declared

"So no more plotting?" Sirius enquired, still dazed. 

“Oh I wouldn’t say that, she needs opportunities to get to know me; I think there’s a party to plan before the end of the month.” Sirius beamed at him but Remus spoke.

"You should ask Lily what she thinks of it first, she's not keen on surprises" James nodded and pulled the map towards him

"We'll go have a chat, I'm sure she's out in the grounds somewhere." He said thoughtfully but Peter laughed.

"What Wormy?" Remus looked to him.

"Just, James saying he isn't going to stalk her anymore then he's scouring the map for her" He chuckled.

"The map he suggested making for that purpose exactly" Remus added. Sirius just smirked as James ignored them, too concerned by what he saw.

 

"Lads … Something's very wrong" He said urgently, spreading the map out between them all. His tone made them all lean in and inspect the area James was pointing to. There was Lily's dot, two of her friends a comfortable distance away. However there was a fourth dot standing intrusively close to Lily, a dot with a label that made James shake with anger. James was up and running for Lily's perch before the three others had even fully registered that the undesirable dot was labelled 'Severus Snape'. 

 

 

Whilst the boys were under the tree, Lily was outside with Dorcas and Marlene, the other two girls in the dorm she shared with Alice and Mary. The three of them had been stretched out under the dying embers of the summer sun, reading textbooks and catching up as she had only seen them a few times during the holidays. "Lily, didn't you say you'd seen Snape with a Death Eater in the attacks?" Dorcas asked, sitting up. Lily barely flinched, nodding as she flicked a page. "What of it?" She asked.

"He's staring at you, like, really intently." Lily stiffened, looking up at Marlene who nodded succinctly to confirm it.

"Okay … how murderous does he seem?" She asked, sitting up, her back still to him

"Very" Marlene mutters "Shit. He's seen us looking at him; he's coming over, Lily." She warned.

 

Lily stood fluidly, arm behind her back holding her wand, watching him draw closer. "What do you want?" She called, trying to keep him at bay but he kept walking towards her. The other girls weren't so subtle in their attempts to repel him. They stood with their wands aimed at him, each beside and behind Lily. He hesitated at that. Dorcas Meadows would be no challenge; she could barely disarm a first year. Marlene McKinnon on the other hand was a demon with a wand; it was more speed than skill in her case though. The only one of the three who had ever really challenged him was Lily.

 

"You're alive” He said hollowly.

"Which you could see from over there" Lily said, aiming her wand at him now. He stopped, so close he touch her wand with one lurch. She held her ground.

"How did you survive?" He asked, not really concealing his shock too well. Lily ignored the question, asking her own while the rare dialogue existed between them.

"Why were you with a Death Eater?" He stilled utterly at the question.

"That's none of your business". Lily ignored the useless response again.

"You were there with him because you're with them now". He closed his eyes momentarily

"Lily I -”

"Don't call me that, you would have had me dead In Diagon alley" She snapped

"Evans, you know that’s not true" he sighed heavily, growing frustrated.

"Show me your arm then" She demanded, not knowing what it would achieve between them

"What good will that do?" He asked her meaningfully 

"It'll end this conversation, one way or the other. Look, you're hanging about with Mulciber and Avery. Everyone knows that they're already Voldemort's puppets, just like we all know it was Mulciber who threw that Half-blood second year off of the bloody astronomy tower. If Remus hadn't been there to slow her down ..." Lily shook her head. "Why should you be any different to them?"

 

"Oh isn't it a good thing that dear Remus was there. Isn't Lupin so wonderful? I bet he doesn't have any secrets at all" Snape sneered, causing Lily to bristle.

"I know your theories, Snape. Remus is fragile. He gets ill easily" She insisted

"Yes, such a coincidence that the lunar cycle weakens his immune system so effectively." He retorted.

"You didn't come here to bitch about my friend. I'll ask you again. Have joined Voldemort?" She demanded.

“If you want information, they leave. “ There was an instant outcry from Marlene but Lily made them go, not taking her eyes or wand off of Snape. "You’re not safe with Potter-" Snape began but she cut him off

"Then who am I safe with, you? Show me your arm and I'll believe you."

 

He grabbed Lily's arm with force, angling it up and away. She gasped in surprise, struggling with him but he was too strong. The limited number of curses she could perform in such a constricted position were going in completely the wrong direction as she fought to hex him. "You'll listen to me one way or the other. I'll petrify you if I have to but you need to listen. It's for your own good" He said. Lily's eyes widened as she tried to rotate her wand in her hand without dropping it, it was now angled down in her fist, like she was going to stab him in the neck. She made an inarticulate noise, casting the hex as Snape's own had already struck her, his wand had been too close. Instead of catching the stunned Lily as he had intended to, he wheeled away, clutching his neck and she fell like a plank of wood. She had never been on the receiving end of a Petrificus Totalus before but it was horrific. As Snape intended it was all she could do to listen, completely aware but unable to react, like her body was just shell. It didn't convey the way her mind was screaming.

 

"Okay Lily, I need you to understand … oh Merlin that hurts" he muttered, distracting himself with the throbbing pain in his neck. "Right. What happened at Diagon alley just proves that you're not safe with people like Potter; the fact that you’re so besotted makes you vulnerable to them. You can’t trust them … You're making it so easy for them to fool you. I thought you were better than this" he said emphatically, waving his arms in exasperation as the frozen Lily watched on from the ground, unmoving. Though his arm flapping gave her the briefest glimpse of a flash of black ink on pale skin as his robes flapped. The screaming and thrashing of her mind intensified. Snape was gone. All of this time she had been lying to herself, forcing herself to hate him while she hid a hope that Severus could turn it all around, pick the right side of the chess board to start on. Now she knew that the little boy she had played with was dead. Severus who had told her what her strange abilities meant, who had accepted her where her sister had not. He was gone, dead, just a memory. The boy in front of her had stolen his face and his voice and twisted them, marring her friend with the dark mark and ruining them forever. This inner turmoil only showed by the expression of faint shock that Lily had been petrified with. Inside she was fracturing, terrified and angry. 

 

That was when James had ran over the top of the hill, pausing in his tracks as he saw Lily , unmoving on the grass as Snape paced before her, her friends nowhere to be seen. He had his wand drawn and he was running again, yelling Lily's name, he had no idea what Snape had done to her. Snape turned when he heard him, shooting a curse that sailed past James, but he heard it hit someone with a dull thud and a weak cry. He half turned as he carried on running, seeing Peter go down limply, unconscious. Sirius swore and scooped him up, continuing to follow James despite his new weight. "Help Lily" James called to Remus, shooting a hex at Snape which he dealt with easily, the two boys engaging in a duel over Lily as Remus skidded beneath them, checking her pulse and her breathing, ignoring the others, including Sirius. He had dumped Peter's unconscious form nearby and carried or running, looking for Lily's friends to check their safety and drag them back.

 

All the movement and action was even more maddening for Lily, unable to help them as Remus tried various counter curses on her, not sure what curse he was trying to undo. "Trying to finish off last week’s work?" James demanded as he shot another curse, Snape sneered as he reflected it back.

"I'm not as fatal to her as you are, Potter.” They argued as they fought. Remus finally tried Enervate and Lily gasped for a breath, ignoring Remus' soothing and with an effort of will, raised her wand to Snape, muttering " _Incarcerus_ " Before her energy left her. She dropped her wand once the heavy ropes had flown from it, binding Snape. James' " _Stupefy_ " finally connected as Snape couldn’t defend himself.  Remus pulled Lily a little way away, talking to her quietly to soothe her. She dropped her wand as she was pulled, exhausted. She was vaguely aware of Sirius sprinting past again to stand by James. "You couldn't even keep him going till I got back?" He muttered, put out as he kicked Snape’s form on the grass. "Well Peter was supposed to go get the girls; I was expecting you to be here from the start. Besides it was Lily who took him down. Are they alright?" He asked. Sirius shrugged

"looks like he had a bad reaction to a stinging jinx is all. Remus is with Lily."

 

 

Lily was brought back to herself by Remus pressing some chocolate into her hand with a small smile. "It'll help" he promised. She took it and nibbled the corner, blinking as she felt some warmth returning to her "I told you" he smiled knowingly, making Lily wonder what exactly was in the chocolate. Out of the corner of his eye, James saw Lily getting unsteadily to her feet and he snatched up her wand before she could reach it. "James potter you give me my wand" she ordered. "Why?" He asked slowly.

"Because I'm going to kill him and if I don't get my wand now, you'll join him" he knew the last part was an empty threat. "

Lils, you need to calm down.” James intoned, making a sign to Sirius with his hand behind his back. His friend brushed past him and went behind Lily, quickly snatching her up so she couldn't attack anyone in her personal brand of rage, which was only intensified by their plan to restrain her considering the paralysis she had just endured. 

 

 

"Lily, if you want him hurt I will more than gladly do it. You'll regret it in the morning though and he'll use it as a way back into your life." James said, occupying her entire range of sight, trying to block her view of Snape to stop the source of her rage. "You saw what he did to me, to Peter!" She hissed "I saw what was on his arm. I'd be doing everyone a favour." She insisted, struggling against Sirius' hands pinning her near. "I swear to Merlin, Black. Let go of me now or I'll kill you" She muttered.

"Meadows has gone to fetch a teacher; they'll deal with Snape, Lily. It's okay" James soothed. She was still smouldering with anger but the fight left her and she nodded curtly, ceasing her struggle against Sirius.

"Can I see Peter?" She asked quietly. The boys exchanged a look and Sirius released her but James kept a hold of her wand, going to stand over Snape as Lily ran to where Remus and Marlene crouched by Peter who was starting to come around.

 

“Is he alright?” She asked Remus who shrugged

“I haven’t a clue what Snape did to him” He frowned. Lily peeked closer, remembering something she had read that resembled his symptoms

“James!” She called “I need my wand right now” She looked up at him.

“I’m not falling for it Lils” He sighed.

“No you bloody idiot it’s Peter” She said “I know the spell to put him right” He jogged the short distance and gave her the wand.

“Whaddid he do to him then?” James asked, stooping down to him.

“I need you all to move back a little” She said, waiting as she checked over him. “A bloody awful spell that would have him really ill in a few weeks. It looks like a stinging Jinx on the face of it so people just leave it, the face goes back to normal and in a few weeks you’re coughing up blood” She winced “It’s easy enough to put right now though.” She assured “ _et sanavi eum_ ” She whispered, tracing a pattern over the tear in his shirt where the curse had sliced into him. When she was done the skin healed over, leaving the skin a raw pink that was rapidly returning to normal. She sat back with a smile and offered James her wand again. He shook his head “You take him back to Gryffindor tower with Mooney, we’ll be up in a bit” Lily looked at Snape but nodded.

“Sirius?” She asked

“Hm?” He looked up

“Will you do the honours?” Sirius grinned, bowing to her comically

“Of course, Miss Evans” He smirked, turning and planting a heavy kick in Snape before James could stop him.

“Right that’s it you lot, common room, now” He ordered. Begrudgingly, Lily pulled one of Pete’s arms over her neck, Remus the other. “Oh, Lily wait” James said suddenly “We had something to ask you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you thought, Chapter 4 should be up within a week


	4. Mischief Managed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before the start of the quidditch cup can only mean one thing; a party to herald in the competition. During the course of events, Lily gleans a little more knowledge on the story of the Marauders.

It was around 5 pm on a Friday night, the last Friday of the month to be exact and Lily was entering the great hall for dinner.  The first few weeks back at Hogwarts had been utterly exhausting. The classes had become so intensely difficult and the pressure over NEWTs increased so much that there had been three serious breakdowns already in transfiguration class alone. All of the Gryffindor girls had taken to snapping at one another in attempt to relieve some of the stress but they were forcing a strained politeness most of the time. Lily dumped her bag on the table and sat by Mary, who didn’t look up from her book, just saying “hey” and giving a vague wave in the completely wrong direction.  Lily answered with an equal curtness and pulled out her own textbook of choice as she sat; Ancient Runes today. She started putting food on her plate blindly, focusing on her book and finding a little while later that she had poured chocolate sauce on her sausages instead of gravy. She gave an infuriated huff and slammed the heavy tome closed, trying to calm herself. She just wanted to curl up in her big four post bed with the curtains drawn, surrounded by soft blankets and food. The idea of nesting was heavenly, as was the lost memory of sleep. All notions of peace however were ruled out when another huge group of Gryffindors flowed in from their final classes of the day, bringing noise and happiness with them. Rude.

 

“Hi girls, oh yeah Alice, Frank said he got detention in Herbology, so he’ll miss dinner.”

“Thought he would, he knew that essay was rubbish”                                             

“Reg is sitting over there with his mates, God it’s like I don’t even exist, I’m just his girlfriend but you know…”                                                                                                                    

“Don’t know why the three of you even bother with lads, me and Lils don’t have boyfriends and we survive.”

“Oi, pads, chuck it here”

“Shove off, will you?”

“Hey, mind if we sit here?”

 

Lily had pushed her face into her hands at the influx, realising after a pause that the last question was aimed at her. She looked up, startled “Er, yeah. Sorry James, ‘course you can” She nodded, pulling her book off the chair, not even attempting to stop it hitting the ground with a heavy thud “Right .. Thanks Lil” James said sitting down, shooting a quizzical glance at her plate. “Is that chocolate sauce?” He asked blankly

“It’s been a long day. Hell it’s been a long week. Merlin, I need to sleep” She sighed, vanishing the chocolate sauce from her plate and pouring gravy over the food, loading up on Yorkshires too.

“Well you better get your energy up for tonight” He grinned, it faltered slightly when Lily blinked at him uncomprehendingly. “The party … tonight … the party” He tried to remind her.

“The  ... oh crap. I’d completely forgotten” She said, the vague hope of sleep cruelly killed once and for all.  She genuinely didn’t think she could spare the time or the sanity to watch the common room be destroyed that night and she was about to tell him so but he looked so damn hopeful.

 

“Alright then Potter, music?”

“Check” Sirius grinned

“Food and drink?”

“We’re going to get it while Sirius starts the party up” James informed

“Oh are we really? How are we going to do that without getting caught?”

“Oh ye of little faith”

“Fine, decorations?”

“Decorations? Why would we need bloody decorations?”

 

The pair fell into bickering about the relative advantageous properties of decorations and whether they ought to be reserved for certain traditions like Christmas and birthdays (James’ point) whilst Lily argued that she wouldn’t attend a party that didn’t have balloons. “Oh for love of Merlin. Shut up, Potter” Marlene said a few minutes later. “I know that you love the sound of your own voice but I have a test on pruning venomous Tentacula tomorrow and I’d really appreciate studying now so I don’t get stung and die!” she snapped and Lily and James fell silent with slightly abashed whispers of apologies.

“She doesn’t like me much that one, does she? He asked in a whisper. Lily shook her head and swallowed.

“Better than she likes Black” She consoled him.

“Ah well there’s always that.” he agreed, spearing most of a chicken fillet on his fork and eating it one mouthful, reminding Lily a little of the time she had been to a zoo and seen a snake dislocate it’s jaw to swallow an unfortunate rat whole. She felt the same as she had then, disgusted and nauseated but reluctantly impressed.

 

...

 

An hour later Lily was sitting on the arm of the sofa in the common room of Gryffindor tower, overseeing a piece of paper folding its self up when Remus walked over and sat beside her. “That doesn’t look like charms homework” He smiled and she grinned. “That would be because it’s not … I’m having a night off” She smiled. It was unbelievable how thrilling that thought was, it almost seemed dangerous but she felt buoyant and light as she took a swig of the butterbeer that Remus handed her. “Watch this, I need to know what you think of him” she said.

“Him?” He questioned but she shook her head

“ _Finite_ ” She ordered and the paper stopped with a quiver, dropping into her hand. She took Remus’ free hand and put the small red paper shape in his palm.

“A lion?” He smiled.

“He’s called Godric” She informed him.

“How did you make it so detailed? He asked, inspecting the miniscule folds. She smiled and put the shape on its legs on the hearth rug.

“ _Engorgio_ ” She said, stopping the spell when it was slightly larger than a normal lion. “Watch what I learned today … _Piertotum locomotor_ ” She prayed it would work and Remus watched in the moment of stillness that followed. The moment was over when the lion raised its head with a strange, stiff and angular movement and sniffed the air before loosing a bellowing roar on the unsuspecting first years scurrying around. “There, decorations” Lily said proudly “Check” Remus grinned and they both dissolved into fits of laughter.

 

She looked around as their laughter dissipated, feeling eyes on her. She spotted James lounging against the common room wall, by the portrait hole. His eyebrows raised in fond amusement at the sight of Remus laughing, it was a rare sight these days. Lilly excused herself “You look after Godric” She smiled, putting a hand on Remus’ shoulder as she left him. She wound her way through the crowds that were already gathering in anticipation of the party; he picked up a length of silver material from behind him and turned to leave.

 

By the time she reached him he was climbing out and heading down the corridor. “Oi, Potter. Come back” She called, finally freeing herself from the common room as she heard Sirius’ voice booming, magically magnified no doubt. “Hello, lads and ladies of the three house alliance. Welcome to Gryffindor tower and welcome to the unofficial start of the Quidditch cup!” A cheer went up and Sirius was laughing. “Now if you could all remember not to give fire whisky to those below fourth year, we don’t want a repeat of the Wood incident from last year –“ The portrait of the fat lady swung shut suddenly behind Lily, the gilded frame was empty. All the noise of the party was silenced, leaving an uneasy muffled quiet behind it; when combined with the half-light sliding through the thin windows it was almost eerie. “Why didn’t you wait for - … James? James where are you?” She hissed, looking along the very long, very empty corridor. “I swear Potter, if you’re hiding behind a tapestry, I’ll kill you” She sighed, pulling her wand out and starting down the corridor. “Merlin knows why I agreed to help you when I had so much to do” She grumbled quietly.

 

She spun around, hearing a stifled chuckle behind her. The corridor was still empty. She raised her wand hesitantly “ _Homenum Revelio_ ” she whispered. The corridor was illuminated with a pale yellow glow before fading back, seeming darker than before. That made no sense. It was like the spell could sense someone close but not where they were. “Well that was just rude” James said smugly form behind her, smirking as she jumped and turned to face him

“What the hell are you playing at? Where were you?” She asked, noticing the cloak over his arm and frowning as the answer dawned on her.

 

“James, is that?” She asked

“Oh so I’m James again now that I have something impossible for you to disprove” He smiled, holding it out to her. She took it reverently in her hands. It felt like liquid; smooth and flowing and not really there, somewhere between existing and not. “It’s beautiful” She whispered “It’s not made of Demi-guise hair or enchanted as far as I can tell.” She threw it over her shoulders, marvelling at the way she disappeared from sight “How is it done?” She asked and he shrugged

 

“It’s an heirloom I think. I mean when Dad gave it to me he said his dad had given it to him too. It was really useful for his work, he was an Auror, and so I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to give it to me. He just said he wouldn’t be needing it anymore so I took it. That was the last time I saw him.” He said. Lily’s eyes softened and she laid the cloak over his arm again. “He was very ill, wasn’t he?” She asked hesitantly

“How did you- Remus told you” She nodded

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything” He shook his head

“its fine. Cancer. It was too late when they found it; he died a few weeks after the diagnosis. I’m kind of happy that that’s my last memory of him though. I saw him smiling and looking normal on the platform, I had no idea what was happening to him..."

 

She nodded, following him as he started wandering down the corridor "So it's been you and your mum for a while now?" she asked, leaning into him a little

"And Sirius" She looked up in confusion at his fond tone. "His folks went really mental at him one day in the summer hols so he packed a bag and got the knight bus to my town, spent ages trying to find the house on his own. Eventually he turned up on our doorstep, absolutely soaking wet and my dad just said ‘come in son' and I guess he never left. He's been a real help since dad passed, we’re brothers more than mates ." James reflected.  Lily watched him quietly, gaining an insight into how James and Sirius worked. With a start she realised that the summer Sirius had been thrown out had been the summer after she had lost Snape, the summer he stalked her around the streets of their village. They walked to the kitchens in reflective silence. It was James that broke it. "Do you want to fondle the still life or shall I?" He smiled. Lily observed the usual cocky mask with a small smile. There was still something missing from his eyes. "You can do the honours." She granted him and, after a hysterical fit of giggles from the pear, they entered the kitchens.

 

They snuck back out under the cloak a few minutes later after several extremely helpful elves had laden a tray the size of a table with a wide variety of snacks. They laboured up the staircase with it beneath the cloak until they reached the safety of an alcove. Lily pulled the cloak off of the pair of them and left it draped over the food and tray. “Put it down.” she told him; he complained that he would never be able to pick it up again but after seeing the look on her face he did it. “Thanks, _Locomotor tray”_ Lily whispered, the only indication it gave of having moved was a slight creak of the bowing wood. She pointed her wand at what she guessed was the heart of the food mountain and whispered “Gryffindor tower” a slight whistling noise could be herd as it sailed away from them.

 

“Is there any way to let them know it’s on its way?” Lily asked him, looking rather proud of herself. James nodded and pulled a small, battered leather bound note book from his bag. He flicked through it and pulled out a quill and a small pot of ink. After a moment’s thought, he scribbled ‘Food’s on its way to you now but it’s under the cloak, so good luck finding it’ Lily was about to ask what good writing in a note book would do when someone else’s writing began to trace itself on the page. ‘Thanks mate, I’ll have the book on me all night if you need anything.’

 

 Seeing her confused expression James pointed to the book “in fifth year I made four, all connected, if we ever split up there’s always someone we can contact. It’s a slightly tweaked Protean charm, so if you’ve got it on you and someone else writes in theirs, yours will heat up. Ta da! Instant messaging service.” He looked quite pleased with himself by the time he’d finished explaining it to her.

“Wow. A Protean charm would get you an outstanding at N.E.W.T level, and that’s for a basic one, why did you never pass a charms test until sixth year if you could pull off something like this in fifth?” Lily asked, exasperated. He just shrugged and smirked at her obvious praise. “Party?” he asked innocently. She glared playfully and walked past him back towards the common room.

 

As they re-entered the party, it was madness. They were greeted by a resounding wave of sound as the portrait hole opened. Lily looked around with a grin as James helped her in. “Unbelievable” she said as she noticed that the mountain of food was already being demolished. She shook her head, perking up when a new song started. It looked like Sirius had rigged a muggle record player to pay a variety of muggle and wizarding songs. "May I have the next dance, Miss Evans?" James asked

"Too ABBA?" She asked

"True." He winced. "Go get a drink and I'll get Pads to put something decent on." She smiled, following his lead through the party, catching brief snippets of conversation with people as they went. Lily went to get the drinks, spotting her dorm mates and going to talk to them as James disappeared to find his best friend.

 

A few minutes later, James snuck up on her, taking the dinks from her and setting them down. He took her hand without a word and pulled her over to the cleared area in front of the fire that was acting as a dance floor. "James, what are you doing?" She blushed

"Dancing with you" He said confidently. She was about to protest again but the new song's intro distracted her.

"Did you ask for this?" She asked him, surprised. He nodded. "But I love this song. How did you know?" She asked grinning

"So you'll dance with me?" He grinned.

"You picked a blue oyster cult song. How can I refuse 'don't fear the reaper'?" She grinned. James knew his face was suitably smug as they danced, he owed Macdonald massively for telling him all of her favourite songs. They ended up dancing for quite a few songs, just messing about and teasing each other. James made a note of the looks they got from others as they had fun, amazed that Lily was so involved that she hadn’t noticed. Finally Lily felt like she was going to drop, a slow Elvis number came on at that moment. She blushed and stopped dancing, realising James still had her hand. He seemed perfectly at ease and she knew how perfectly cliché the situation had become. "So, the drinks" She said, pulling away.

"The drinks." He nodded, letting her back away. "Actually I need to go find Mooney and hide the cloak." he sighed, ruffling his dark hair

"I'll go, really. I know a good hiding place." Lily smiled, disappearing from him in the crowd. He hesitated in the midst of the dancers, wondering why she had suddenly been so keen to escape him. He hoped he hadn’t overstepped the lines, cursing himself he wandered away from the dancing in the other direction, grabbing a glass of fire whiskey as he went.

 

Lily soon had the cloak and was heading to the cupboard where things like mops were kept, knowing that there was a loose floorboard under the carpet in the corner that no-one else knew of. She pulled on the cupboard door, frowning as it wouldn't open. " _Alohomora_ " she said, pulling the door open and gasping at what she found. Sirius was already occupying the cupboard, thoroughly tangled up with a Hufflepuff girl as they kissed. She couldn’t help it, she was laughing loudly enough to gain Sirius' attention "Lily!"  He huffed "it's lovely to see you but I'm awfully busy … go get back to Prongie …" he suggested in a drawl, attempting to hide his frustration. The door slammed shut on her and she wheeled away, laughing so hard that she staggered into someone.  "Whoa Lils, what happened?" It was Remus.

"Sirius is a little busy in there" She snorted. Remus rolled his eyes

"Of course he is, who is she?"  Lily shrugged

"A sixth year Hufflepuff I think" Lily grinned.

 

"What should I do with this?" She asked, lifting the cloak. Remus smiled knowingly.

"What other Marauder secrets did he tell you on your journeys?" She blushed at his expression

"The notebooks, they're amazing. He spoke about his dad too, and that Sirius lives with them" He nodded as Lily sobered

"Want to know some more of our secrets?" he smiled, holding his hand out for the cloak.

"Sure" She smiled, handing it over. He grinned, throwing the cloak over them and leading her to the staircase which led to the boy’s dorm, knowing it would be quieter there. "Wait!!" She hissed at the foot of the stairs. "Isn't it like the girls?" Remus shrugged

"Don't think so. Sirius has been more gentlemanly with the ladies than storage cupboards in the past." Lily bit her lip, taking Remus' hand as she gingerly stepped up onto the first step and grinning when nothing happened. 

 

They sat halfway up the staircase, the noise of the party numbed to a comfortable level as he pulled the cloak off of them. "So what's the big secret?" She smiled. He grinned and picked his bag up, pulling a sheaf of folded and dog-eared parchment out and handing it to her. "… Thank you?" She said, nonplussed.

"Oh ye of little faith" He smiled, tapping the top of the parchment with his wand " _I solemnly swear I am up to no good_ " He said. Lily started to giggle at the ridiculous words but stopped as she noticed ink starting to slowly spread across the unknown device.  Words appeared on the front of the parchment. " _Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers, are proud to present, The Marauders Map_ " she read.

"Go on, open it" he enthused. She did, the parchment rubbing and creaking as it moved. She watched the webs of the strange, dry, black ink spreading everywhere, eventually taking the shape of a map of Hogwarts. All the shortcuts Lily knew were on there as well as a great many she had never suspected existed. Some routes seemed to go right of the edges of the map, she realized that these tunnels led out of the grounds. None of these things seemed significant however, compared to the fact that there were hundreds of small labelled dots moving around; when she read the labels, she saw each dot represented a person. It could see everyone, everywhere within the grounds.

 

"Nothing can fool it, not Polyjuice potion, enchantments … not the cloak. Not even animagi" He said, watching her pore over the map, eyes flickering to their dots on the stairs and then to Sirius in the cupboard, the girl's name was Mandy Abbott. Her eyes went to James next. "Is he … ?" Remus nodded. "He paces a lot these days, but he wouldn't normally do it at a party." He frowned. "I'll go put the cloak in the dorm." He smiled at her, getting up and leaving her alone with the map. She ran her finger over James' dot sympathetically before realising she hadn't seen Peter all day; he hadn't been at any meals in the halls or in the common room that night. She started unfolding the map further, searching him out. Though before she found him, she heard the door to the staircase open and close. Her eyes darted to the dot approaching her.

 

"Hey Lils" James said quietly, clearly he had expected to find Remus with her. He glanced at the map as he approached, confirming he wasn't near under the cloak.

"...Hey" She said, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty and suspicious but unsure why. "Remus was showing me the map … how on earth did you four manage it?" She asked but he didn't respond as he sat, giving her a sad look

"… nothing was happening you know…" she murmured after a pause, wondering why she was explaining herself to him. He had shared a little of his story with her earlier, trusted her with that. Did he really think she and Remus would be snaking off and getting up to Sirius-esque antics in their dorm? "None of my business Lils" he said, taking the map

"Well still, nothing happened. Remus is a mate, a really good friend, James." She said. He looked up at her; a little mollified

"Well he ought to be shot for selling trade secrets" He smiled, tapping her on the head with the map. She grinned

"Call the court Marshall" Lily smiled. "Do I know all of the Marauder secrets now then?" She asked, bumping her shoulder into his

"Not quite, Miss Evans" he smiled gently "There's one or two more to unearth before your initiation."

 

                                                            

She nodded "Maybe I should go down, me and two highly eligible Gryffindor boys disappearing up to the dorms; people will talk" She said conspiratorially.

"People do little else." he said calmly. They caught eyes for a moment and Lily smiled a little

"Thanks for the party James, for tonight" She said quietly

"Thanks for humouring me, and proving me wrong about decorations" he grinned, taking a sip of his drink to hide it

"Ah I converted you … Goodnight James. And er, good luck for the game tomorrow. I'll be watching." She nodded and walked down the stairs, slipping back into the party unnoticed.

"Goodnight, Lily" James said to the empty staircase. He finished his drink as he watched Lily's dot until she was safely back in her dorm. He raised his wand to the parchment and whispered " _Mischief managed_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.
> 
> So i did a bit of maths and figured out that the Marauder's seventh year would have started in 1977. I've tried to keep any music mentioned to the right time frame .... Don't fear the reaper may be a favourite of mine ... maybe.
> 
> Anyhoo. I hope you liked it, let me know.
> 
> \- L x


	5. Keep Calm and Quaffle On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Quidditch cup tournament has begun and things are going just about as well as can be expected for the maruders. Two particularly determined bludgers mean bad news for Gryffindor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I wasn't quite expecting this chapter to turn out like this or be so long, but I hope you like it.

Blood pumping against your eardrums, deafening the roar of the crowd all around you. Adrenaline forcing you to your feet, forcing the screaming billows of jubilant air from your lips. Your face splitting into grins and whoops and howls as the pure energy of it all tries to escape you however it can. From Lily's perch in the stands, she couldn't imagine how it must feel to be James Potter right now. With a shrill whistle blast they were off. Lily was certain that it wasn't magic allowing them to kick off from the ground with such ease, those graceful brooms had to be powered from the channelled waves of energy which the spectators were radiating.

 

Oh yes. The quidditch season had begun. Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff. And the Gryffindor captain was in his element. James was circling the pitch, gaining height and doing extravagant spins and twirls as he went, occasionally waving to people in the stands. Lily laughed and shook her head, glancing back at Remus. "So maybe he is still an arrogant git" She said. He shook his head.

"Just an awful show off." He assured knowingly.

 

Once the teams were airborne a crate was opened on the ground below and two bludgers rocketed up into the air, followed by the quaffle, thrown by Hooch. Both sets of chasers were moving, vying for the first goal of the game, the beaters converging on the bludgers. James was above it all, looking down on the weaving robes of Gryffindor red and Hufflepuff yellow. He kept a special eye on Sirius who was currently aiming a bludger at the best Hufflepuff chaser. He shook his head; there was no subtlety where Padfoot was concerned. The game below him was fast paced and fierce. Gryffindor's gruelling training practices under his regime seemed to be paying off; they soon left Hufflepuff standing in the dust. He laughed, wheeling around as he searched for the snitch. His game was much more sedate than that below. The yells and jeers of the teams were muffled by distance and the roaring interference of the crowd. All that mattered now was that he was free, spinning around as he searched, testing himself against gravity as he sought out the tell-tale speck of gold that would decide it all.

 

He was distracted by an unsettled noise of dissent rippling through the crowd. His eyes found Lily and Remus in the stands, giving them a questioning glance. Lily looked up, eyes panicked. She was shouting something to him but he was too far away. He pulled his broom around, keeping low to the body of the broom to increase his speed as flew directly for the two Gryffindor seventh years in the heart of the stands, stopping sharply an inch from crashing. "What?" he demanded.

"There's a bludger on Sirius … It's not right." She said. All three looked around as another hiss ran along the crowd, only to see Sirius managing to skilfully spin out of the path of a bludger. It wheeled back in a large arc before aiming at him again, the other bludger sharply changing path, unaided by any beaters, and converging on him too.

"That's no coincidence." James said, frowning.

"It's hexed, James. Go. We'll get to Hooch." Remus urged him.

 

Sirius dodged another attack by spinning his broom so he hung upside down, the second bludger managing to catch the tail of the broom, sending him spiralling off course. He was unable to steer and heading for the ground fast; he was in a freefall. James watched in horror as the bludgers regrouped. Sirius was too busy trying to make his broom respond to notice the two projectiles behind him. James swore, urging his old Comet straight for him, away from the stands, intending to force Sirius out of the bludgers’ path. He hit him hard, knocking the malfunctioning broom away sharply; the impact seemed to help Sirius regain control of it. James shot him a hopeful look but Sirius' grin faded as he looked behind James and the stadium fell expectantly silent.

 

He knew what was going to happen but he barely had time to brace himself before the impact came. He was unconscious before he even registered the force or direction of it, only wondering if being knocked out always felt so colourful.

 

Lily was just starting out across the pitch to find Hooch, seeing the bombardment as she glanced up. Sirius was free of the bludgers’ attention but she saw them hit James. The first struck him from below, snapping his broom clean in two and knocking him unconscious and sending him into the air unsupported. He seemed to float in a slow arc from the force of it; his body limp as it started to fall. Then the second bludger hit its mark. It struck his side. The collision seemed to return the world to its normal pace and then accelerate everything tenfold. James' whole body convulsed in mid-air and he began spinning as the ground rushed to meet his form. Sound seemed to flood the world again as adrenaline filled Lily, though somewhat distantly at first until it was like a damn of sound had ruptured between the pitch and crowd. She started running towards the spot where James would surely land, aware Remus was running too but they were both just moving, she couldn’t think of a way to slow him down, her mind jumping frantically between useless spells.

 

“ _Arresto momentum_.” Remus yelled, wand up and James’ body slowed; it was still too fast. Lily tried to regain her control and raised her wand intending to help him.

“No Lils, the bludgers” Remus urged. She looked up, realising that one was circling back for James and the other hunting Sirius again.

“ _Impedimenta_.” She yelled, but the ball only seemed to encounter some resistance, slowing a little as the charm hit it. “ _Immobulous_.” She called. This time gravity took hold of the ball, dragging it to the ground where it looked as lifeless as James.

 

Meanwhile, Sirius had been struggling to extricate his wand from the pocket of his Quidditch robes, shouting “ _Bombada Maxima_.” as the belligerent ball approached. It exploded magnificently, creating a condensed ball of fire and gas that seemed no less inclined to chase him than it had in its first incarnation. He was managing to dodge it well, but again, it caught the tail of his broom, setting it alight and making it malfunction. The broom began jumping and stuttering as he decided to attempt a landing, still dodging the ball that followed him. He looked over and saw Lily take out the other bludger, He cursed that he was too busy firing desperate spells over his shoulder at the inferno behind him to aid them in slowing James. He wished he’d been bloody subtle enough to stop it following like Lily had, rather than make it explode. James had talked about the gas when he had saved Whisp in the Diagon Alley attack but Sirius hadn’t had time to recall the conversation.

 

Once she had stopped the bludger on James, Lily glanced to Sirius but Joined Remus to slow James’ descent until he would land safely. “ _Arresto momentum_.” She yelled, watching as James’ pace downwards jerkily slowed. “Where’s Peter when you need him?” She asked Remus, concentrating on the spell. “Someone needs to help Sirius.” She added. Remus looked around, all of the students in the crowd were just watching. Some were looking on in horror but others, mainly Slytherins, looked on with interest and a joyful malice at the attack on the blood traitors. At that moment, the teachers ran onto the pitch then.

 

“Hold him, Miss Evans, Mr. Lupin.” McGonagall called as she ran towards them, flanked by Slughorn and Flitwick. Slughorn dealt with the fiery bludger chasing Sirius whilst McGonagall extinguished his broom. It still spiralled and a look of grim resignation settled on Sirius’ face. As soon as he was low enough he tipped himself sideways off his broom, knowing he wouldn’t be able to land it. He seemed to have misjudged the distance however, his body crumpling to the ground with a sickening snap and a pained moan. The Gryffindor head of house and the potions master hurried over to him, leaving Flitwick to conjure a stretcher which the two students lowered James’ body onto as he got low enough. A sympathetic sound of pain went up in the stands for Sirius’ painful dive but James being safely deposited on the stretcher seemed to deserve a wave of cheering.

 

“Will he be alright, Professor?” Lily asked, moving to the side of the levitating stretcher, looking down at him in fear.

“Madam Pomfrey will have him fixed up again in no time I expect, Evans.” He assured gently as all of the other players landed at the far side of the pitch, talking to Hooch.

“James? Prongs?” Sirius’ voice came weakly as McGonagall moved the stretcher bearing him closer. “I’ll bloody kill him if he’s hurt himself trying to be a hero…” he muttered.

“Now now Mister Black, I wouldn’t be so hasty if I were you.” McGonagall intoned. “Filius, would you escort these pupils to the infirmary please? And Horace, if you would be so good as to take the surviving bludger up to Professor Merrythorpe’s office? We’ll soon see if something is amiss here, which I am very much inclined to believe. Never in all my time at Hogwarts have I seen a bludger make such a sustained attack upon certain pupils, I want it investigated.”

“Of course, Minerva.” Slughorn blustered, summoning the ball. “Good job by the way, Lily.” He nodded and set off for the castle, breaking the meeting of the three heads of house. Flitwick flicked his wand and the stretchers set off to follow Slughorn out of the pitch and across the grounds, Lily and Remus staying close.

 

…

 

Sirius’ leg was quick to heal, just one “ _Episkey.”_ charm from the matron and it was as good as new. However the charm did have the side effect of a rather potent ache that was due to last few hours. After he had moaned and whined for fifteen continuous minutes he was given a potion to relieve the pain that was actually a sedative. “oh … my mistake dear.” Madam Pomfrey smiled sweetly, winking at Remus conspiratorially as Sirius was reduced to content hums, looking about in an unfocused sort of way.

 

James was not so easy to put back together. It took the matron hours to lay healing spell upon spell on him. The bludger had fractured most of his ribs which had caused massive tissue damage and trauma and even more worryingly his spine had been damaged and his head seemed to have been hit with considerable force by the wood which had snapped off of his broom in the first bludger collision. Of course on top of these serious problems he was covered in deep cuts and heavy bruises.

 

Madam Pomfrey made good use of Remus and Lily. Lily’s knowledge of heeling was advancing at a considerably fast rate and she was able to help with some of the procedures. What surprised Lily was Remus’ competence with healing, especially as he had never indicated an interest in it. It took Lily a while to remember that his mother was very ill, he went to visit her nearly every month in hospital, he must have learnt from caring for her. Lily marvelled at Pomfrey’s skill and calm demeanour. Her grim determination would almost seem obstinate at times if it were not for how she’d gently explain a procedure to the Gryffindors ever now and then. They weren’t entirely sure if this was to reassure them or teach them, perhaps both.

 

The three of them worked during the rest of the day and much of the night, putting James back together again. It was in the dim glow of the ward’s candles and lamps that they decided that there was nothing more they could do for him. “You two should rest, you did well today, and you did him proud. I’ll make you some beds up here.” She said kindly.

“Um, would be okay if I just sat with him? I don’t think I could sleep much anyway.” She smiled a little. The matron nodded and put a hand to Lily’s shoulder.

“Of course dear. Remus?” She asked. He too declined politely. The motherly woman gave Sirius more of the concoction which kept him placid and sleepy before she left him, it had been generally accepted that the longer he was in that state, the more his leg would heal. The matron left soon after, trusting the care of the two boys to their friends.

 

Lily exhaustedly pulled a chair to James’ bedside, sinking onto it slowly. Her adrenaline must have worn off hours ago, whatever she had been running on since seem to have dissipated abruptly and completely as she looked on him. “Hey Lily, It’s alright now. We fixed him up” Remus said, alarmed by the tears that were on her face when he turned back from checking on Sirius. He went over and sat by her, winding an arm around her when she leaned on him.

“You really think he’ll be alright?” She whispered.

“’Course he will … its James. He’ll be fine because we need him to be. It just might take a while for him to heal internally.” He said soothingly, hoping he was right.

 

They fell into silence and Lily reached out to take James’ hand. At that point, Remus moved to the other side of the bed and they sat with James and their thoughts between them until the sun started to rise again. Lily lifted her head from the mattress by James’ hand, which was still linked to hers, as the sun filtered in, disturbing their sense of waiting with the visitors it brought. Lily hated it. All those people filtering through as she just sat by him as they rubbernecked like hopeful vultures. She only released his hand to gently soothe his hair back or take his temperature. She was sure most of the people who came weren’t even close to James. The only people who were were currently sitting by him, sedated or mysteriously missing. Try as they might, Remus and Lily couldn’t bring themselves to try and figure out where Peter was. They just confirmed how much it hurt that he wasn’t there when James was like this.

 

 In some remote corner of her mind Lily wondered if the strangers would gossip about the way she was holding onto James, touching him and caring for him so tenderly and being so aggressively protective. Remus was wondering about her reaction. So was she. James was very definitely a friend now, a dear friend it seemed. It was only natural she should do this to comfort him as she hoped someone would comfort her if the tables were turned. In the darkness of the second night on the ward she convinced herself of it before she finally fell asleep from the first time since before the game. Her head on the soft mattress by James’ hand once more, their fingers still twined. She feared if she let go for too long he would be lost.

 

Later that morning, before the sun had risen into the tall infirmary windows but after the night had started to recede through them, Lily started to wake, hearing two muted voices coming closer, echoed by light footsteps.

 

 

“How was your journey?”

“Not fantastic. I was never great at apparating and given the circumstances … I thought the train may have been safer. The last thing he needs is me splinching … he always worries so much.”

“Well you would have had no cause to worry, Amelia. As you can see, he’s been in good hands.”

“Well I never, is that?”

“It is, yes. And about time too if I may say so.”

“I agree Minerva.”

 

Lily finally woke fully from her stupor as she recognised one voice “Professor McGonagall? I’m sorry, Madam Pomfrey said-“ She stopped speaking when she saw the owner of a second voice. She was a short witch with hazel eyes and light brown hair, wrapped in warm travel cloak. Her face looked like a kind one, even if there was some distress upon it. She knew who this woman was before Remus started awake.

 

“Mrs. Potter?” He said, jumping to his feet.

“Oh, how many times must I ask you to call me Amelia, dear? You’re my boys.” She said, hugging Remus in a way that made Lily’s heart swell to watch and left a certain look in Remus’ eye that she was unused to. “Two of my boys unconscious.” She sighed, looking at Sirius. “Was that just to shut him up?”

“I’m afraid so.” McGonagall said in her clipped tone giving a thin lipped smile. This woman, Mrs. Potter, just nodded.

“I expected as much … But you.” She said, turning to Lily with an expectant look on her face.

“Oh …” Lily said, clearly flustered by the unexpected attention. “I’m no-one, I’ll er … leave you to it. So sorry Mrs. Potter.” She swallowed, glancing at James and swallowing as she laid his hand down, aware of everyone present watching the action, knowing they’d see her cheeks flush red.

“There’s no mistaking you, dear” Mrs. Potter said with a smile. “Merlin, he described you perfectly … I thought he was exaggerating. I didn’t think anyone could be as pretty as he thinks you are.” Lily blinked in surprise, glancing at Remus for help. He only gave her a look like he was supressing gales of laughter. “You’re Lily Evans … I never thought I’d see the day when you two were -“ Remus lost control of his laughter at that point.

“They’re not, Amelia.” He laughed.

 

Lily’s blush intensified deeply as she understood. James had described her to his mother back when he had asked her out incessantly, with some depth apparently. She frowned and looked back at his unconscious face. He barely looked like himself without the animated energy he always wore. Surely he wouldn’t tell her about some girl he liked to wind up at school. For the first time Lily considered the unthinkable reality that James had actually meant it when he asked her out seemingly endlessly.

 

Her train of thought was disrupted suddenly when there were arms around her, pulling her into a hug so filled with love it startled her. It was the kind of hug only a mother knows how to give. “I have so much to thank you for Lily, love.” She smiled.

“You do?” She asked, amazed and a little dazed by the woman’s emphatic nature.

“Oh yes love. I don’t he think he would have ever sorted himself out if it weren’t for the boys building his ego and you keeping it in check … and I wanted to thank you for giving him another chance. I’m assuming you have that is, but given the stories I’m hearing lately …” She said hopefully.

“Yeah, we’re starting from scratch I guess.” Lily smiled, seeing how Mrs. Potter’s face lit up at that, she smiled back.

 

She soon fell into conversation with the woman, fascinated by her and her relationship with her son. A short while later she was aware that they were sitting by the bed, one of James’ hands cradled in both of her own as she got to know his mother. It was utterly surreal. McGonagall and Remus were sitting on the other side of the thin ward, placating a still doped Sirius.

 

They sat and talked and laughed all day, the mood in the ward became buoyant and optimistic. Amelia Potter radiated comfort and hope, it seemed. As the sun began to set on them Mrs. Potter declared she had to go home.

“But James hasn’t woken up yet; won’t you come back tomorrow, just in case?” She asked, secretly quite keen to talk more with the woman.

“No sweetie, he’s well-tended to here” She smiled.

 

They both stood and Lily was pulled into another hug, a kiss dropped on her forehead. “Give him a chance, love. He’s ready to take it” She winked at her, touching her hair fondly before she went to kiss James’ cheek. Lily watched as she walked away from them, leaving the ward and a wake of content silence behind her.

 

“So that’s the woman who learned to tame the Marauders?” Lily asked in quiet awe as Remus joined her again.

“Yeah, Mrs. P did a pretty good job with us.” He smiled.

“Well maybe I could learn a thing or two from her.” Lily smirked, taking her perch by James again, laughing at the horror on Remus’ face. She settled into her chair, ready for this night shift with a little more hope than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: Don't worry, our dashing hero will return to the land of the living very soon.
> 
> \- L  
> xx


	6. Lily's Broken Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily Evans has a secret. It's not as dramatic and mysterious as those of the Marauders but James is still intrigued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long to write. School's getting more and more time consuming at the mo, enjoy x

Suddenly the world was awfully quiet to James.  He blinked in the weak October sunlight that filtered through the tall, thin windows. He was in the infirmary though he couldn't really remember why. Maybe it had something to do with the pain which was seeping into his bones and the chemical haze in his mind. He was warm though, the air was still and he felt safe in the comfortable haze.

 

He hummed quietly, his hand closing around a smaller, cold hand within his grasp. He heard a small gasp and let his head loll towards the source. "Hey Lilyflower." he slurred in what he thought was a suave way.  
"Hey, Potter." She teased gently, clearly relieved as she squeezed his hand back. "How're you feeling?" She asked.  
"Shit." He answered honestly. “How long was I out?"  
"It's Tuesday afternoon, so the better part of three days."  
"How long have you been here?" He said, coughing weakly.  
"The better part of three days" she repeated the answer with soft eyes  
"Lily Evans missed class just to sit by a comatose for three days?" He asked, feeling a little more like himself again.

 

"Not even old Clearwater would be mad enough to predict that." Sirius grinned as he walked in, a slight limp replacing his usual swagger. "Nice to see you in the land of the living, Prongsie, you had us worried."  
"Some more so than others." Remus added meaningfully as he followed, shooting a glance at the abashed Peter who was hot on his heels.  
“Did any of you cry by my deathbed?” James battered his eyelashes at them.  
“Awake less than a minute and he’s insufferable.” Sirius teased.  
“Says you … Anyway, it was hardly your deathbed. Nurse Lily saw to that.” Remus grinned  
“seeing as you two are best buds now it’s totally okay for me to imagine that. Right Prongsie?” Sirius smirked.  
“Imagine all you like, Black. It’s as close as you’re going to get.” Lily shot back with a smirk, though James looked like a lot of anger was trying and failing to raise its head through his sedated state.  
“Ohhhhh, little Lily learned how to banter with the big boys.” Sirius crowed.

 

Lily smiled as the boys settled around them. "Old Clearwater says he did foresee this though, didn't he?" she asked.  
"Oh yeah." Peter said, speaking for the first time. "He was telling everyone in Divination how he'd had a vision of James doing something noble and heroic that would kill him."  
"You can be a self-righteous little git." Sirius nodded. They all laughed. The relief at James regaining consciousness seemed to have made them all buoyant.

 

"What else did I miss then?" He asked, wincing as he sat up, carefully maintaining his hold on her hand.  
"Well Sirius took a dive off a broom and fractured his tibia, I met your mum and it turns out that that girl Sirius was getting off with in the cupboard at the party was the girlfriend of the Hufflepuff beater. He decided to hex the bludger to attack Sirius as recompense … that's why they were so erratic… James?"  Lily said, concerned by how he had suddenly paled.  
"You met my mother? When?" He demanded.

 

"She came in to see you yesterday and she stayed most of the day with us, just talking." She smiled "Apparently you were a hilarious baby." She smirked.  
"Oh god no." he murmured. "Did she bring photos?" He asked, looking to Sirius when Lily didn't answer.  
"Sorry mate, I was doped." he answered.  
"Only the few in her bag she always carries." Remus assured James.

 

They all fell into a comfortable conversation, though it was clear that James was tiring and starting to struggle as the afternoon wore on into evening. As the sun started to fall Madam Pomfrey ushered them out, insisting they had stayed long enough and that now all they could do for James was to let him rest. The boys reluctantly left but James' hand tightened on Lily's so she hung back with him. "What is it, James? I have to go." She whispered.  
"Will you come back, under the cloak?" he asked.  
"I think for tonight you need to rest … If you're in here tomorrow night we will."  
"No ... Just you. I like having you all here but I just need someone peaceful, someone to help me." He said, clearly embarrassed at having to admit it.  
"Okay, tomorrow night, just us." She promised, smiling fondly as she smoothed his mad hair back from his face.  "I need to stop looking after you." She sighed, knowing he wouldn't stay this vulnerable for long. Once he had recovered she wouldn't be able to be like this with him. She tried to convince herself that that wouldn’t be an issue.  
"Thank you Lils for everything … It's a date." James gave her a cocky grin, already falling asleep.

 

Lily smiled down at him as his hand loosened its grip on hers as he succumbed to his exhaustion. "You bet it is." she whispered, laying his hand gently on his chest and leaving, nodding respectfully to the matron as she left, getting a "goodnight" in return. She was about to round the corner that would take her to the grand staircase. Dinner was just starting in the hall but she intended to go back up to her dorm and catch up on sleep and work but a hand shot out and pulled into an alcove.

 

 "What the he- Sirius?" She asked.  
"Listen, Lily. I've tried to ignore it for James' sake. To be honest I haven't seen him as happy as he has been this term since before his dad passed. But I don't like how you're leading him on." Sirius said far more seriously than Lily was used to.  
"Is this because of the hand holding thing?" She asked, taken aback by the conversation. "Because I'm just trying to help him. He needs someone to comfort him, to help him. It isn't going to be an easy recovery like yours was..." She said, winding her free arm around herself "and besides, I am not bloody leading him on, you know how it is with us."  
"Do I, Lily?" He asked "Cos I don't think anyone does. Not your friends, not me or Remus. To be honest I don't think you two know either. We're all walking on egg shells here. You both need to sort this out."

 

"I can't fix what I don't understand. James doesn't see me the way you all think he does. Were mates just the same as you and he are." she insisted.  
"I don't think that's true Lily, James and I aren't having fucking eye sex every two minutes and I'm not in there holding his hand to comfort him on his death bed." He hissed.  
"Thank you for making your position on me so clear, Black." She said, pulling her arm back. "I'm sorry I've been such an inconvenience but I promise I'm not trying to take him away from you." She said harshly.

 

Sirius gave her a knowing look as the confused and fearful expression settled on her face. "It's okay Lily ... I'm sorry I - " He sighed. “I’m telling you the truth now. He never once asked you out for a joke and I think you were right to turn him down but he won't ask you again. He's too scared you'll say no. I don't want to see him hurt so if you aren't interested let him know." He gave her a forced smile and walked away; leaving her in the alcove as he slipped into the great hall. Sometime later she remembered how to walk, turning and moving away. Tears were pricking at her eyes as she stormed away. She didn't want to think about this. What was the point? Worryingly, she didn't know whether or not James saw her as Sirius seemed to think he did, and more worrying yet, she didn't know how she felt about that. Slowly she climbed the winding path back to her bed up in the Gryffindor dorms.

 

…

 

October wore on just as slowly as James’ recovery seemed to. It soon became apparent that the next Gryffindor game would be in late November and there was a high probability that James wouldn’t be ready to play. “After the whole bludger thing, no one’s that keen to fill in for me out there … You’ll be good to play, right Pads?” James asked, wincing as Remus helped him into a large armchair by the fire of Gryffindor common room.

“Yeah, of course, Prongsie.” He nodded. “I’ll take seeker if you want, actually I’ll play anywhere.” Sirius said, flopping down onto the sofa opposite the chair. James nodded with a sigh as the others settled, pulling out work as they splayed themselves around on the rug.  
“We could move one of the chasers to fill in as a beater for you, but who?” James frowned.  
“That new one in sixth year who’s built of muscles but ain’t all that bright?” Sirius asked, looking over at James.  
“Ah Gregson” he nodded. “That leaves us a chaser short; we should be able to sort that.”

“What about Remus or Peter?” Lily asked, shifting a little to warm her back before the fire. They both protested far too quickly, insisting that they were too clumsy, that they would bring shame upon Gryffindor for all time. She chewed her lip, nodding at this information.  
“Oh well, at least they’re discounting the points Hufflepuff won.” Remus tried to reassure them, it didn’t really work.

 

Another few days and James was just waking with a slight limp though he still tired easily.

 

…

 

 “Lily? What the hell are you doing up there? Get down here.” And with the sound of James Potter’s voice, Lily’s beautiful escape drained away from her. She looked at the green of the quidditch pitch far below her, its expanse pierced by a boy, pale face upturned to watch her, fear and fury in his eyes.

 

It was the week before Halloween and James’ recovery seemed to be progressing a little better; he limped a little less now though he still tired alarmingly fast. It was in one of the long sleepy stupors he often succumbed to that she had slipped away. Giving a breezy lie about potions essays and charging James’ care to Remus, she knew he was capable of it. Instead she had slipped out into the grounds, the heavy fog as her cover, and taken to the air.

 

Flying released her. It was her cure for anything and it was her secret. There was no drama or conspiracy when she wound her way through the hoops. All of the worries from exams to Death eaters melted away from her, as tough she could urge her broom fast enough to leave them in her dust. But now James Potter was intruding on her sanctuary, shaking its foundations so much she wasn’t sure how she had ever thought it secure in the first place. There was a reason that very few people knew that Lily would sneak out to fly, the reason being she didn’t want James to know. Her heavy heart dragged her down to the ground faster than James’s anger.

 

“What the hell are you doing out here, Potter?” She snapped, his threat making her defensive. He frowned at his surname, the change in her attitude threatened to give him whiplash, just an hour ago she had been holding his hand by the common room fire, smiling and laughing.

“Whoa Lils. What are you doing here? You don’t fly” He said soothingly.  
“I do fly. You just didn’t know. Is there a reason I shouldn’t be here?” She demanded, fingers tightening around the broom in an effort to calm herself.  
“We couldn’t find you, we were worried.” He sighed, making Lily feel intensely guilty on top of the injustice of having her escape stolen from her.  
“You knew where I was … the map …”  
“Peter has it, and no one’s seen him all day” he told her. She soon relaxed, sitting on the damp lawn, James stiffly joining her.

 

“So you can fly, Lils?” He asked  
“Evidently so.” She nodded.  
“Show me?” He smiled. An interesting thing happens when you put two show offs together, the competition raises the stakes so high that the pace of the game can’t help but follow, so it was with Lily’s flight. Having an expectant James before her made it all the more vital she do this well, as though it would win her back her escape. For all this time she had hidden. Now there was no reason to, she was free to show her skills.

 

“This Lily is a QUAFFLE” He said, summoning the mentioned ball. Her eyebrows shot up. Did he honestly believe that after seven years in the wizarding world she didn’t know the rules of quidditch? It was practically an insult. Before he could say another word Lily had snatched the ball and shot into the air, weaving and twirling in the most skillful way she could manage, showing her full potential. She then fell into the position of a chaser in one of James’ training plans she had heard him explaining. She followed the tactic as though there was a game raging around her, finally moving to effortlessly throw the ball through a hoop from a considerable distance. She let the ball freefall until it had a large head start on her. She pointed the nose of the broom down vertically until she was in a steep dive. A quick glance at James’ face proved that the display was having the desired effect; he was awed and a little terrified at her trajectory. The pitch was her stage. A foot from the ground she plucked the ball from the ground, pulling her broom up sharply so she sped away from the ground.

 

She did a few languid rounds of the stadium on the way back to him. “This James. Is a quaffle” She said, pressing the ball into his chest with the barest hint of a self-satisfied smile.  
“That was … amazing” He said after a while of staring at her, she nodded simply.  
“Yes, I am.” She said, frowning at his confusion.  
“Lils, why did you never try out for the team? We’ve been looking for a player like you for years” He said, exasperated.

 

“Isn’t it obvious James?” She asked, sighing when he shook his head. “It was already fifth year when I got really into flying, you were already captain by then. If I’d turned up to try outs and you’d put me on the team … you know what it would have looked like.” James nodded; he had been so vocal in his affections for her it would have looked like he was letting her on the team just to score points with her, no pun intended.

 

“Surely they would have realised I’d put you through for skill after they’d seen you fly, seen you play like that? Do you really care about rumours like that so much so that it’ll stop you playing what you love?” He guiltily realised that it had been him blocking her from her hobby, forcing her to sneak out to the pitch to practice with no one else about.

 

“Who ever found the truth preferable to a rumour?” She asked with a sigh, "someone would always believe it was bias that got me in. I like to be judged fairly, on my abilities and this is my sanctuary, I can’t have whispers tearing it apart.” Whispers were like fire, consuming the halls of Hogwarts, student by student. “It was bloody hard practicing without you finding out” She said, trying to lighten the mood a little.  
“How did you, then?”  He asked; attention caught.  
“I sneak out at night or in bad visibility. In the holidays I went to the forest by Alice’s house and we practiced together. You know all times you asked me to Hogsmede? There was a reason I couldn’t go …”  
“You hated me.”  
“That too …” She blushed  
“You were practicing while I was gone.” He realised, his tone incredulous. She nodded with a smile.

 

He considered for a moment, looking at her. She was soaked through from the fog, the patriotic red and gold dulled by the dim afternoon light and water. Her cheeks and nose were pink from the biting cold and her anger at his intrusion seemed to have abated. She looked relieved. She didn’t have to hide anymore; they both knew there was a way for her to play. “Take the chaser spot in the next game, Lily. She raised a hand to pull her damp hair pout of the ponytail it was in, giving her a moment to consider. “We both know people would make the same assumption” She said carefully. They were treading close to the line that would make them talk about the elephant in the room. Sirius wanted them to declare themselves, but how could she when she was only becoming more and more uncertain herself?

 

“No one would assume that, Lily.” He said softly. “We’re not like that now.”  
“We’re constantly together and more often than not we’re holding hands, people are already talking” she sighed.  
“Is that really a problem?” he asked, looking at her intently.  
“I don’t know James … I really don’t … maybe soon it won’t be but I don’t know.” She looked down, not wanting to see his reaction, wondering if this is what Sirius meant by leading him on. She blinked in surprise as he took her hand gently, loosely enough for her to pull away from him, she considered it too. It transpired that her fingers curled around his, the elephant went back to its corner of the room and they went back to their safe buffer zone of limbo.  
“Just … consider flying for us, Lily. Gryffindor deserve a good game. I think we could find a way to keep rumours at bay” he smiled.

 

He continued before she could argue. “Come on Lily, you’ll freeze if we don’t get in soon” he started to lead her along until she could no longer argue. She wanted him in the warm as he wanted her to be, him getting pneumonia would really screw him over right now.  
“Fine.”  She sighed, trudging through the mud. It was just starting to rain as they entered the castle, winding their way back to the common room through secret passages at a leisurely pace. The common room was empty, unusual for a Friday evening.  
“Are they all at dinner?” James asked, Lily shook her head slowly.  
“Ended hours ago” She frowned before shrugging it off. “I’m gonna get cleaned up and do the reading for McGonagall.” She smiled, letting go of his hand, heading for the girls staircase.  
“Don’t forget the charms practice too.” He called after her. She nodded and smiled to him uncertainly before she ducked into the staircase.

 

She was smiling as she jogged up the stairs, broom over her shoulder. She pushed the dorm door open easily. “Oh you’re all up here, we wondered where everyone was.” She said, throwing her broom onto her bed. It hadn’t landed before she noticed that something was very wrong. Her four dorm mates were all grouped together, watching her silently. Mary and Alice were sitting on Alice’s bed, arms around each other tightly, Mary wasn’t looking at her at all, pale and fragile, Alice looked ill. Lily glanced at Marlene who was leaning uncomfortably against a bed post and then to Dorcas; she looked venomous and vindictive, a combination that was never a good thing.

 

“What’s going on?” She asked, taking half a step backwards, winding her arm around herself, as though it would rebuff her uncertainty.  
“Where were you Lily?” Dorcas asked simply.  
“Out on the pitch, I told Alice …” She said, nonplussed.  
“Why did you go out when you did?” She asked again. Lily didn’t like the accusation in the interrogation, tripping over herself to keep up with Dorcas put her on the back foot.  
“You know why” She snapped defensively. “So none could see me.”  
“You came in with James” it wasn’t a question.  
“Yes”  
“So he was with you on the pitch.”  
“He found me there”  
“You flew for him?”  
“Yes, is that a problem?” She asked indignantly.

 

"So you flew for him when you won't for us? I thought all the cloak and dagger was so he wouldn't find out and then you just _show_ him"  
"I chose to, I really don't see how it has anything to do with you. If you must know, he's already seen me." Lily snapped.  
"You spend a lot of time with them now Lily. "  
"Mary wanted me to get to know them; it's not my fault that we get on now."

 

"Well don't let us get in your way, it's time you left."  
"Excuse me?" She asked incredulously, walking to her bed. She picked up her broom and went to sit, barely catching herself as Dorcas vanished her bed. "What on the name of Merlin is wrong with you?" She raged.  
"We won't be second best anymore Lily. This will hurt less" Marlene said, not looking at her. Mary and Alice were crying now.  
"Where would I go?" She asked blankly, looking to them.  
"Anywhere but here" Dorcas cut in. "Go to your marauders seeing as its them you chose.”

 

Lily's final barrier broke, she bypassed anger and defensiveness, turning on her heel and leaving the room with stiff, unnatural movements. She didn't hear the sob behind her. Once the door was slammed on her back she was running down the stairs, tears streaming down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed, next chapter should be up in a few weeks
> 
> \- L
> 
> x


	7. The fifth bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorcas' anger only serves to force the Marauders and Lily closer, perhaps a little too close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry I haven't updated in a few months. I've finished my A-levels so i'm back to writing and getting back into the hang of it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

She didn't know how long it had been when the store cupboard door opened and she didn't know how she had got here or how she had lost her broom along the way. All she knew was she was numb with cold apart from the dry fire behind her eyes and down her throat. She had been sobbing, possibly for hours. It was just as dark outside the cupboard as within it now; the only light spilling in was from the embers of the fire that silhouetted whoever had disturbed her. She cringed away from them, trying to melt away.

 

"Lily, there you are" he sighed in relief. Remus. Of course it would be Remus to find her. "Do you want to talk about what happened Lily? We've been looking everywhere for you. "  
"Should have used the map." she croaked petulantly, hugging her knees. He closed the door, illuminating his wand and sitting next to her. She couldn't be bothered to move away from him and talking hurt her throat, asking him not to come nearer wasn't worth it. It wasn't Remus' fault she supposed, it wasn’t Remus she was angry with. She still couldn't decide who it was she could be angry with. Dorcas had only spoken the truth, humiliating Lily in the process but still she didn't have the right to be angry with her for pointing out the obvious. The Marauders? It wasn't their fault she was abandoning her friends. Sirius still seemed hate her, she had barely seen Peter since term began. Who did that leave to blame? Remus? James? Well James had been trying to get on better terms with Lily, now he had them, she couldn't blame him for that though. Remus was a friend, had come to find her when she felt so utterly wretched, he was a comfort. She really only could blame herself, her pride didn't like that.  
"Peter is still MIA with it." He sighed, wrapping his arm around her. She leaned into him tentatively, feeling safer close to him.  
"You know, don't you?" She asked. He nodded gently.   
“Mary burst into our dorm after it had happened and told us. We've been looking for you for hours, running past you all night.” He was speaking so quietly, he had a gentleness about him that had always made her wonder how he had been sucked in to the mad world that Sirius and James had invented. She didn't want to think of the other Gryffindors now, she and Remus were safe in their darkened little cove and for now she was with someone who wouldn't judge her, who only wanted to help. For some reason it only made the guilt worse.

 

"You want to talk about it?" He asked again.   
"I … I …" She swallowed thickly, tears springing to her eyes again. She shook her head angrily, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes to stem the tears. She hated this, being so vulnerable, she shouldn't need the approval of those girls to stand tall but they had pulled the rug of her security out from under her and let her know it was all her own fault. A gentle hand pulled her own from her eyes. "It's alright Lily, I'm here." He said. With that she gave up, leaning into his warmth and crying quietly. Remus stroked her still damp hair slowly, wishing he could ease her torment. She was such a gentle person beneath her proud façade. He had never really considered how vulnerable she must feel, how many directions and pressures were pulling her out of shape. She must be terrified for the safety of her parents and sister, for herself and muggle-born friends, and then there were school pressures of homework and NEWTs and high expectations, the pull of two different groups of friends. She was probably as confused as James was too, never quite on the same wavelength as each other. He looked down at her sadly. "It's alright" He soothed, wishing he could offer her something more stable from all she was suffering through.

 

It felt like an age had passed when she finally controlled her breathing and regained herself. “What now?” She asked, wiping her face with a sleeve. He wiped a few stray tears away too.   
“What do you mean?” He looked down at her. The pale wand light leeched her already pale face of colour; her hair looked almost black with dampness.   
“I can’t go back, they won’t have me. I know that there used to be accommodation for the head team but I don’t know where it is. It should be on the map…”  
“Don’t fret about that, we need to warm you up first, you’re freezing.”  
“Hm? Oh, it’ll be my quidditch robes, they got wet when I was flying.” She said in a distant, distracted manner  
“Lily that was hours ago. We need to sort you out or you’ll be ill” He said, lifting her to her feet with a strength that unnerved her a little. She would never have guessed he could lift her with such ease, to look at he was much leaner than James and Sirius; she had always assumed it had been due to his illness and the comparative lack of quidditch training. She begrudgingly stood though it did take a couple of attempts for her limbs to cooperate through the cold that had jarred her bones.

 

He slowly led her out of the cupboard into the still empty common room and over to the boy’s staircase. "Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”  He soothed as she hesitated at the bottom stair.   
"I really don't think it'll make matters better" She said, stepping back.   
"Lily you need to dry off, it’s the best we've got for now."   
"Remus I can't, they're right and I don't think I can face it if they know I ran to you all. I don't need help. I'll look after myself." She shook her head, backing further away.  
"I would drag you up there if it would make it any easier but it won't, I know that. Please Lily? Even just to let the others know you're okay." He pleaded. "James was frantic before I found you, that was ages ago … he's probably climbing up the walls…" He knew it was low; Lily was so invested in James' recovery that Remus knew she wouldn't refuse if she thought it would help calm him.

 

 She nodded, moving to the stairs and taking a slow step up, she shook his hand from her elbow as they went. She knew it was meant to help her but she had seen his ploy, pissed that he would resort to such emotional blackmail to get her to go up the staircase. He pushed the door open for her and she stepped into the warmth of their dorm, suddenly understanding how deathly cold she was.  


”Lily” Two voices chimed at once before they started talking over each other, demanding answers of Remus. It was abrasively loud compared to the murmurs of the cupboard and the journey here. They were frantic and to Lily it just felt rude. She didn't bother listening to the gaggle of demands.   
“Where the bloody hell did you find her?”  
“Is she alright?”   
“Why is she so pale?”  
“Why is she so cold? Is she alright?”  
“She’s going to faint, isn’t she?”

 

A pair of arms was around her then, not as gentle as Remus had been; a crushing force in comparison. He was much warmer and the pain of the embrace brought her back to her senses. “James?” She looked up at him.   
“Sorry Lily, Merlin I’m so relieved. We didn’t know what had happened to you; we needed to know you were safe.” He sighed, looking down at her.   
“When Peter gets back with that map I’ll paint the walls with him.” Sirius growled. Lily peeked over James’ shoulder to watch him pace. Surprised at his reaction, he almost seemed to care. She pulled back from James, much to his surprise, apparently. “I thought you weren’t all that keen on me, Black.” She croaked.   
“You’re growing on me” He shrugged “Plus, anything could have happened, Peter’s up to something and it could have wound up with us not finding you." ah, so Sirius' reaction was about peter stealing his precious map, figured.  


 “Where’ll she go?” James asked  
“She won’t want to go back there even if they decide to take it back.” She heard Sirius say  
“Reckons that she’s going to head accommodation but I have a better idea…” Remus said.   
“I don’t want her alone in there, it’s awful.” James said firmly.   
“I know” Remus soothed before muttering an incantation that Lily couldn’t place. There was a dull thud behind her.

 

“Oh … right.” James said faintly and Sirius laughed.   
“So very nearly your dream come true Prongsie.” He muffled a laugh again.   
“This is alright by you, isn’t it?” Remus asked James.   
“If it is with you two?” He asked.   
“It’ll take some getting used to, but why not, she’s nearly one of the gang anyway.” Sirius said nonchalantly.   
“I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise, mate.” Remus reassured.

 

A fifth bed, much like the other four, now stood in the dorm. Until half way through their second year at Hogwarts there had been a fifth Gryffindor boy, Davey Gudgeon. He’d had a run in with new whomping willow that had been planted and his parents had pulled him out of school. The newly conjured bed stood where his once had, slotting in the generous space between Remus and James’ beds. Lily was tired and pissed off and generally sick of being spoken for and about like she wasn't in the room. "Do I have a say?" She asked the three boys. All of whom looked at her in surprise, James nodding. She gave a wry smile. "I'm off to find the head of house; she'll know somewhere I can go. No James" She said as he tried to protest. "Me being in here will make it all a lot worse. I'll get in your way and stumble into whatever other little Marauder secrets you have squirreled away. I don't need your pity or your charity. I can look after myself, like I told Remus." She didn't know what was going on and she didn't really care.

 

She was out of the dorm and half way down the staircase before she heard someone come after her. "No Remus. They know I'm fine now, that's all you said I had to do" She said, not turning to look at him.   
"Well there were two things wrong with that" a cocky voice said from behind her "One, I'm not Remus and to be honest I'm a little insulted you thought I was, I'm not nearly so flat footed"  
"Piss off Black"  
"And secondly, you really are not fine" She paused at that, turning to face him.  
"You'll give me whiplash, Black" She sighed.  
"I aim to please" He smirked, the expression slipping at how uninterested she looked. "Come back upstairs?" he asked  
"Why? I don't understand you. One minute I can't sit by James' bed in the hospital wing but the next I can sleep in the dorm and we can all be best friends? Will Remus and I plait your hair too?" She snapped. "You must think I hate you" Sirius sighed   
"Yes actually" She answered bluntly  
"I don't Lily. What I said that night was out of order, I just want him to be happy, I get too protective of him these days. I'm sorry." He said, somewhat more sincerely than she would have expected.  
"You should be" She said with the slightest smile. He looked up with a smile to answer at that. "Fine" She said "You really think it won't make things worse?" he asked him, to which he shrugged.  
"Who knows Lilyflower, they have a problem with how you've been acting. If it were me I'd stick them the v and move on." She laughed a little at that, wondering how the world dealt with Sirius Black, she certainly couldn't stay mad at him.

 

“So that bed’s for me?” she asked uncertainly. Sirius nodded. “But for how long?” She asked again.   
“For as long as you need it, even if that’s all year.” He said "I think you and I need that long to figure out if we're actually mates" he smiled.   
“Thank you” she said, looking down. She realised how childish she'd been to refuse their help.

 

…

 

 

"You can't force her to stay James; it’ll be weird for her. She's really upset mate." Remus sighed. James huffed angrily. "Exactly, she's upset. I don't think she should be alone with herself" He answered just as Lily was sheepishly returning to the room. "Can she speak for herself?" Lily asked. James blushed and nodded "Thanks ...erm thank you for wanting to help me, you lot seem to be the best friends I have so I'm sorry for spiting you. I just wanted to say that, erm, if you'll still have me … I'd like to stay with you please." She murmured, blushing deeply despite how cold she was.

“Of course you can. Where’s all of your stuff, Lils?” James asked.   
“Everything’s still in my dorm … apart from my broom. I dunno where it went. I didn't exactly have time to pack” She answered with a sigh, moving to sit on the edge of her new bed as Sirius slipped off to the bathroom. “I’m going to go up there and get it all for you.” He said simply, turning for the door. “You aren’t their favourite person right now.” Lily waned.   
“They kicked you out because of me; it’s me they have to face.” He said with conviction. She nodded her permission despite thinking that really it was her own fault.   
“I hope you have a trick for the stairs but … Thanks James.” She said in a small voice. He assured her that it was the least he could do and left the dorm, walking with much less of a limp when anger fuelled his strides. Lily sighed quietly. "Where did Sirius go?" She asked.  
"He’s gone to get rid of anything incriminating from the bathroom, no doubt. Now that we have a fine and noble lady among us we might actually stop treating this place like a dump."

 

 James finally let his anger show as he was storming down the stairs. He was furious, it was better than guilt, much more productive in his experience. He paused at the foot of the stairs which led to the girl’s dormitories and placed his wand in a notch in the stone wall. The small nick would have been so ordinary in the stones complexion that most overlooked it. “ _Immobulus_ ” he whispered, causing a blue light to ripple along the rough, pitted stone of the wall. He took a step onto the staircase, somewhat relieved when no siren sounded and the staircase remained just that, not turning into a slide as it usually did when a boy tried to breech it. He only hesitated when he realised that he didn’t know which dorm the seventh year girls occupied. Lily hadn’t hesitated when entering their dorm for the first time last year; surely they must be in roughly the same position within each tower. He got to the highest dorm and, ignoring the aching fatigue which had built up in his limbs, knocked solidly on the door.

 

“Lily?" A voice called hopefully. Mary.    
"It won't be her"  
"It better not be."  
"Piss off Dorcas, I want her back."  
"You agreed to this, Alice. As did you Mary so it's no use snivelling now. "  
"Did we hell! You told us it was happening."

 

James sighed as he listened to the rising voices, silencing them with another heavy knock.

 

"It's not her, she wouldn't knock that loudly"  
"She could if she was angry"  
"Why would she knock at all? This is her home. "  
"Not anymore"  
"Oh for the love of merlin will someone just open the damn door?"

 

There was a moment of squabbling followed by silence and the door opened.  "James? I thought it was pretty clear that we didn't want you here. "  
"Piss off Dorcas." Marlene sniped, pushing her away from the door to look up at her once nemesis "what do you want James?" She asked quietly, almost repentant in her tone.  
" _Locomotor trunk_ " he said. Pointing his wand past her and ignoring her completely as the trunk sailed over to them but Marlene held her ground, blocking the door. James held in a sigh "Mary, is this everything?" He asked, not looking at her.  
"No, erm, I'll fill her backpack" She said, jumping to her feet and emptying some drawers into a backpack which James pointedly ignored, he could guess the contents of the drawers. What he did notice was that Lily's entire bed had been vanished and his anger flared again "Did you do that in front of her?" He asked quietly, eyes flashing to Dorcas. She just sneered at him. He ended the levitation charm suddenly, letting the trunk fall to the stone floor with a heavy thud that made the three other girls flinch back. "Oh come on Potter, what are you going to do? You can barely walk. If you really want to know, yes I vanished her bloody bed in front of her. I had to get rid of her somehow." She spat. "Mary will you stop helping him?" She snapped at the girl.

 

James realised how vulnerable Mary and Alice looked without Lily by their sides. "Don't talk to her like that or you'll make me even angrier." He said just as quietly, barely containing himself.  
"Won't I like you when you're angry?" She teased. That was it. James lost his last shred of patience and raised his wand but he was too slow. Mary was shaking with anger, wand pointed at Dorcas as she yelled "Shut up, just shut up!" It wasn't a spell but the wand reacted as Mary wanted it to. Dorcas was yelling too, or at least it looked like she was, no sound was coming out. It was impressive coming from Mary but James hadn't yet forgiven her for standing by and letting Dorcas hurt Lily.

 

Mary closed the backpack and handed it to James as if Dorcas wasn't clawing at her face in panic behind her. "I'm sorry" She whispered before she released the bag to him. He swung it over his shoulder and gave a curt nod. Marlene stepped back to allow the trunk passed and James could see the repentance in her eyes. As for Alice … well, Alice was still crying on the bed as she had been when James had entered, so she must regret what had happened. Later he would tell Lily.

 

He immobilised the stairs and levitated the trunk again, not saying another word as he started down the stairs. He sighed angrily as there were footsteps behind him, turning, he saw Dorcas glaring. He stormed back up until they were nose to nose, he much taller despite standing on a lower stair. "No, you listen now, Meadows. You disgust me. You were supposed to be her friend and you betrayed her. Don't you dare pin this on me you vile cow, you chose to boot her out and I can forgive the others but you're going to regret this. I swear." He hissed. Storming away and leaving a glaring, still magically silenced Dorcas in his wake.

 

When he reached the common room he took a moments rest. The climb back up to the dorm seemed torturous but he did it, the trunk bobbing along merrily beside him. When he entered he smiled at the scene. Lily looked a little more alive and was sitting talking to Remus on his bed while Sirius seemed to be trying to put out a fire. "I was gone for 10 minutes Pads!" He sighed, smirking through it.  
"Are you gonna put me in the kennel?" He pouted. James changed the subject as Lily looked up at that in confusion. "So what are you actually doing? Wait; are those Lily's Quidditch robes?" He frowned. "Well Lils took a shower so I was trying to dry her  robes off and kinda set them on fire instead … I will fix them though" He insisted, Lily laughed quietly at that. James looked to her. She looked relaxed; it was odd after the earlier stress. "Is that my …?" She blushed  
"oh Merlin, I'm sorry. Sirius set the only clothes I had here on fire. He said you wouldn't mind if I borrowed this" She blushed more deeply. She was in one of his old oversized quidditch sweatshirts and a pair of Remus' Jogging bottoms. "Er no, it's fine. You wear it better" He said, wishing he could roll his eyes at his own words "Just keep it" He mumbled, setting her trunk down gently at the foot of her bed and passed her the backpack. She frowned; opening it and looking in. she blushed and zipped it closed quickly at finding the contents of her underwear drawer in there. "Did you …?" she asked.  
"Hm? Oh no, Mary did."

 

Lilly nodded and put it on the floor "Of course she did."  
"Lils ... I think none of them wanted to do it, it was all Dorcas." He said, looking to her, her face impassive as she shrugged. "But they did let it happen so, six and two threes really" He sighed, sitting on his bed.  
"Thank you James, for doing that. I couldn't face them. I don't think I can for a while actually" She sighed.  
"We could help you with that once we get the map back." Remus said with a smile  
"And then I can kill Peter." Sirius added happily.

 

"Speak of the map nicking devil" James said, sitting up as he heard Peter's distinctive footfalls drawing close. "Padfoot …" James warned, seeing the glint in his eye he always had when he wanted to shift into that huge hound to scare Peter. Lily couldn't see that, not yet. They would all have to be absolutely agreed to tell her they were animagi because if they did she would surely find out about Remus' 'furry little condition' as they all teasingly called it. As chummy as Lily and Remus seemed lately he doubted Remus wanted her to know about that. Sirius nodded his understanding, sitting on the bed to stop himself as Peter entered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought
> 
> More to follow in the next week or so
> 
> \- L  
> x


	8. Bad Moon Rising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hogwarts is an insulated and isolated world but hints about the darkening situation in the wider wizarding world are bleeding through. An encounter with an old friend and a secret lay the foundations of surprises yet to come.

"Do you believe him?" Remus asked; voice quiet from the dark to the left of Lily's new bed. The other three marauders lay asleep in their beds, exhausted by the argument which had followed Peter's return. Lily lay on her side, looking towards the patch of darkness where Remus was also lying awake in his bed. He sounded more tired than she was used to. Lily considered his question. "There's no reason Peter couldn’t have found a girlfriend … though still, taking the map with hm seems a little odd, despite his explanation …" Remus sighed, knowing that Peter's story had holes.   
"Why would he want us to be ignorant of them badly enough to take the map away with him?" She asked "We wouldn't judge him, no matter who she is" She said gently.  
"Maybe it's not a she at all; he could be worried what we'd say to that." He suggested, to which Lily shook her head, despite him being unable to see her. "Peter isn't gay." She said certainly. "But there's a reason he didn't want us to know who he's been seeing. Even if he didn't trust me, I don't understand why he wouldn't tell you guys" she sighed.

 

 They fell into thinking about Peter's insistence that he had been seeing a girl, no he wouldn't tell them her name, and that he'd taken the map so they wouldn't try to find out who it was he was seeing. For some reason, the story didn't quite add up. The whole deception was on too large of a scale, too well planned, too defensively planned. "Maybe he just wanted some time alone." Lily said eventually. The conversation stalling after that. They both lay awake a little longer, Remus eventually hearing her breathing change as she finally settled into sleep. He smiled gently. He liked this kind of conversation, where reverent words and gentle faces just got lost in the darkness. It was times like that when you felt you could tell someone anything. He had so badly wanted to tell her his secret in those moments before she fell asleep. That way he wouldn't have to see how revolted she was by his condition. He could be free of the secret and stay safe in the dark. But the moment passed, that whispered sanctuary was gone now, a different hum filling the air with the chorus of sleeping breaths. Yet again Remus was the only one left awake in the darkness. Whereas talking late at night felt intimate and gentle, being the only one awake in a crowded room felt so very lonely. He glanced at the moon. He knew already that he would transform tomorrow night, he didn't have to look up to check. The waxing moon was shrouded by thick cloud though, blocking his view. He let the curtain fall back into place and let his exhausted body fall into sleep, preparing for the ordeal that came every month.

 

…

 

The first time Lily woke in that dorm it was with a rude awakening. "For Merlin’s sake, Padfoot. Shut the hell up." James was growling. It seemed that Sirius was not shutting up anytime soon though. When Lily opened her eyes, Sirius was standing on his bed, utterly shirtless and singing what sounded like opera music. Very loudly.  He wasn't coping too well with that falsetto either. It was mayhem trying to get ready, not like the gentle chatter of a dorm of girls. It was loud, boisterous and involved far more nudity than Lily was entirely prepared for. Thankfully, only shirtlessness at first. However she was once more immensely thankful for the wonders quidditch could do to a body. Both Remus and Peter were much more retiring, closing the curtains around their beds to change while Lily occupied the bathroom. Quickly learning to magically seal the door with a quick " _Colloportus_ " charm and block the peep hole with a stray sock she'd found on the floor. Seriously, why did a bathroom need a peep hole? She dressed and washed quickly, leaving the bathroom and screaming. "Jesus, put some pants on!"   
"Again, you seem to have me confused with someone, I am rather flattered though" Sirius smirked "And it's alright Lils, it's not like you saw anything, I'm saving that for our second date." He winked, receiving a shoe to the side of the head from James and reluctantly putting on pants. "I've seen your arse and that is enough to scar me for life" She answered.   
"Doesn't it intrigue you? I've been told I have a very enigmatic rear." He smirked.   
"Down boy" Remus said from the other corner where he stood, doing his tie in front of the mirror, a very prim and proper affair compared to the spectacle of Sirius, now clad in boxers, on the floor as he was trying to pull on a pair of ridiculously skinny black jeans as Peter said over and over he'd get told off for having them on anyway. It was going to be hard to get used to all of this.

  

Once they actually reached Defence Against the Dark Arts, the boys seemed to slip back into their infuriating old ways. Lily couldn't believe that they were ignoring the tuition on the patronus charm. Reports were coming in each day on feathery wing as the prophets were delivered at breakfast that there was dissent amongst the dementors, the likelihood of them going rogue and joining Voldemort was on the rise. The need to protect themselves from dementor attack seemed imminent and yet here James and Sirius were, arsing about, Peter following as he always did. Though now his sycophantism was reaching new heights as he tried to make up for eloping with the map. It infuriated Lily beyond belief. Eventually as they were practicing the charm, Remus led her to a less crowded corner of the room, away from the boys and Professor Merrythought both.

 

"Have you ever managed a patronus before?" He asked her quietly, trying to soothe her.  
"What? Oh never a corporeal one" she admitted. "Have you?"  
"Oh we've all managed it, that's why they're not that interested" He frowned at them. There it was again, that flare of irritation, bordering on dissent, from Remus towards his friends.  
"Show me?" She asked, perching on a desk nearby, giving an expectant look. He laughed after a moment of uncertainty, giving in to her intent expression.  
"Expecto Patronum" He whispered; eyes closed as he found his memory. Well, not a memory as such but a series of them, all of which culminated in a sense of contentment, acceptance and friendship. When he opened his eyes he smiled at the sight. Lily cooed at the huge dog that was pacing between them. "He's an Irish wolf hound I think" He smiled at her, avoiding Sirius' glance from across the room.  
"He's gorgeous" She smiled, holding her hand out to him. She marvelled at the way the hound stepped forward and sniffed, seemingly of his own volition. "Is it my turn now?" She asked hesitantly, certain she couldn't make something as beautiful as Remus had done. He nodded "You can do it. Just find a happy memory and sort of let it fill you; wash everything else away from you. That’s when you cast the spell" She nodded, accepting the tuition. She tried and failed to find a strong enough memory, her first thought was of that day in the park when she had learnt that her being a witch didn’t mean she was destined for loneliness. It was the first time she had felt, accepted just for her magic alone. But the memory was tinged, jaded by her loss of Snape. She searched her memory further; aware that time was dragging on behind her.

 

"Does it have to be the happiest? I can't find one" She sighed eventually.

 

He sat by her on the desk as the hound paced around them protectively. “It just has to be happy, not the happiest. The stronger the memory, the stronger the patronus." He explained. She nodded, standing up from the table. The dog lay by Remus' feet, watching her as expectantly as his master was.  She found a happy memory, nothing exceptional by anyone else’s standards, just Petunia smiling at her without reservation. The memory held too much reverence compared to its content. It was so valuable because Lily had rarely seen her sister smile after that, and never at her. She did as Remus had instructed, letting herself focus fully on the memory.  "E _xpecto Patronum_ " She said, wand extended comfortably. A silvery thread shot from her wand, growing into something, a large, vague shape. It seemed like a large animal yet somehow, slender, agile, definitely four legged. A few people watched. It wasn't taking shape yet but it was better than the cloud a few others had managed to produce. Some people wondered aloud whether it was a horse, some whether it was some kind of big cat, a lioness or cheetah. Lily glared when Sirius mused it could be a giraffe. When she caught James' eye though she lost her concentration and whatever the shape was, it vanished. She bushed, both berating herself and trying to avoid James' eye. His gaze and expression didn't falter though. He was watching her intensely, as though her patronus meant a great deal to him.

 

She calmed herself, ready to try again. A different memory flitted into her calmed mind, causing the corners of her lips to pull up. She and James were dancing at the party. It was strong, fresh. She could remember how the song wasn't quite clear, the lyrics of Blue Oyster Cult muffled slightly due to its own volume and the hum of chatter. She remembered the dancing, the warmth of the butter beer. It was a happy memory, so she accepted it, remembering every detail, letting it fill her mind " _Expecto patronus_ " She smiled. Again a shape formed, much clearer than before but still not identifiable. "Not a giraffe then" Peter observed, sitting by the other two. Whatever she was, she was much smaller than a giraffe, maybe even smaller than a horse. Now it could be seen that the legs were thinner than that of a cat. "It might be a gazelle?" A girl nearby said. Lily supposed that should be complimentary, light, agile and fast. Again the shape faded and Lily realised how awkward it would have been if James could know which memory she had used.

 

"That's it Lily! You've nearly got her. You need something just a little stronger" Remus praised, his patronus had faded with him focusing so entirely on Lily. She remembered something then, a brief flash from when she was very young, around four or five. She had been sitting in the garden with her father, not long after she had first realised she could do what others couldn't. They were both sitting on the grass and she had packed a flower, its petals opening and closing in her little hand. Her father had been so amazed, so joyful and proud. It was a golden moment and proved to have more strength than the others. When she cast the incantation, a fully corporeal, silver patronus leapt from her wand. “A doe!" She beamed, watching the creature, mesmerised. “Remus, look!" She said, looking to him, seeing something odd in his eyes "Isn't she okay?" She asked, still in awe of what she had to remind herself wasn't a live creature. It was too easy to forget that she wasn’t a separate life when her ears swivelled and she paced, leaving a translucent silver glow in her wake. "No, she's beautiful." He praised. Lily looked to the other marauders, noticing the look of fear on James' face.  He was wide eyed, almost dazed as he looked at the doe which was circling them. Sirius conjured his own patronus, a wolf, sleek and smooth as it loped to them, pulling Lily's gaze from James to it.

  

"Okay now everyone, come back in" Merrythought boomed jovially. "Now that you all seem to have the hang of that, how about we have a few practice duels, hm?" She asked "You all know the rules, no maiming, mutilating, vanishing or transfiguration of your peers. Who shall we pick for a demonstration? Snape, Potter. Neither of you seem to be taken with trying a patronus so you can show us a good duel. Front and centre, good lads. “The room stilled at that, the silence making the portly teacher look up. “Professor? Sorry professor but James is still recovering, you can't possibly expect him to duel" Lily said, moving towards the teacher. Imploring for his safety despite her irritation. A slight murmur rose at her defence of him but she ignored it. "Ah yes, I do believe Minerva sent me an owl on the subject, you may take his place miss Evans." She relented. There were many instant outcries at this but they were silenced. "I've made one substitution, I shan't make another. Miss Evans, mister Snape, take your places please. "

 

Since the incident at the start of the year Lily had managed to avoid even passing Snape in the corridors thanks to the map and the secret routes that riddled the stonework of the castle. Now here she was, facing him on the raised duelling platform. “Well bow" the teacher frowned. Snape bowed deeply, much to Lily's surprise. She inclined her head in turn, not looking away from him. She knew better than to think he would duel fair, even under the gaze of a teacher. She waited for a moment, forcing him to act first. He struck silently, smirking. So he's mastered non-verbal spells for duelling then, that was a little ominous. She deflected it silently. Using simple hexes seemed childish but she still attempted to disarm him, which he blocked. "Don't be kind Lily. You can do it." Someone called. Sirius? She pushed the shock away and took the advice. She was getting better at this. She managed to land a stinging hex on him, sidestepping the confused curse he sent back to her. She didn't know what the hex was but it cracked a stone in the wall behind her when it thudded into it. " _Incarcerous_ " She yelled; the rope that shot from her wand tying itself around his leg. She tugged back sharply and he fell, causing a jeer from many of their class mates. He sat up, face full of fury at his embarrassment. "You won't beat me." He snapped.  
"Why? Am I still a pathetic little Mudblood girl to you?"  She raged, really angry now. The class fell silent. "Won't he be pleased when a Muggleborn knocked you to the ground?" She stormed towards him, the rope on his leg tightening as she did. "Can't a half-blood price take the shame of it?" She hissed quietly when she was close enough. All of the anger, the injustice was swelling n her. This bastard had killed her best friend, taken him and twisted him, branded him with Voldemort’s mark. "Well you can run back to your master and tell him yourself" She said, severing the connection between her wand and the rope.

 

Evidently no one could hear some of their remarks because the professor called "Well done Miss Evans, a good show. You'll have to try harder than that to beat her Mr. Snape.” Snape was down, technically Lily had won. She turned her back on him after a sneer to him on the floor.  The sneer is what broke his last shred of composure. It was like Potter was standing over him mocking. Then he watched her turn away, catching her smile at Potter and Black as they cheered at her. " _Serpentsortia_ " He spat, the rope becoming transfigured into a large snake. “ _Effingo_ _multis_ " It duplicated itself until there were several identical snakes starting to move towards her. "Lily, move!" James yelled. She spun to look at Snape, fear in her eyes as she took a step back. He smirked, he hadn't been beaten after all, and she was panicking. " _Bombada_ _maxima_ " She shouted. There was a tremendous bang and both Lily and Snape were thrown back from the force of the explosion she had conjured. " _Impedimentra_ " Remus called, catching Lily's descent so she didn't hit the floor. He and Peter scrambled up onto the platform to check she was alright, landing on her feet a little dazed as the spell released her.  "I'm fine, I'm fine" She assured, waving them away a little so she could recover. A general murmur of disgust ran through the small class. The explosion had blown a hole in the platform, creating a gorge of splintered wood and paintwork where the snakes had been. Now they were splayed about the room in chunks, blood and gore emanating from the royal blue and gold paintwork of the stage. Quite a few of their peers had been struck with parts of the small snake army. "What the hell do you think you're playing at, Snape?" James asked savagely, starting towards him. "You were down and her back was turned!” Sirius grabbed him and pulled him back sharply.   
"Later James, not here" He hissed in his friend’s ear. The professor seemed to agree with James though. She was a big believer in chivalry and rules of gallantry. "Mr Potter is correct, you defied the rules of duelling and common decency Mr. Snape, twenty points from Slytherin and you'll be here at the end of the day to repair and clean the room. Are you aright Miss Evans?" She asked.  
"Very well Professor, thank you" She muttered.   
"Nice basting curse." She murmured to her as they left class a few minutes later.  
"Just getting out all that pent up frustration from seeing my arse earlier, eh Lils?" Sirius teased, trying to ease the tension as James was still trying to launch himself at Snape. He was definitely recovering; it now took Sirius and Remus to hold him back. Last week Lily could have done it with ease. "Leave him James" She sighed "Nothing happened"   
"No I bloody well won't. I'm going to fucking kill the slimy little bastard" He fumed.

 

"Mr. Potter! My office, immediately." The harsh tones of McGonagall ensnared them, a clear reprimand for his language imminent in her tone. "Mr Potter? Yes all of you, and you may as well come along too Miss Evans, yes, come along now" McGonagall called. They all turned, dragging James from his glaring match with Snape who had just neared them in the corridor. As Peter followed behind them, Snape's cool gaze shifted to him. He raised his eyebrows at the plump boy before going to the Carrow twins.  "She's been training then" Alecto said snidely, looking at Snape.   
"That little Mudblood fancy of yours is becoming a problem, Snape.” her brother, Amycus, continued  
"She's only going to get worse too, they're all planning to fight against him after they're done here." Snape sighed. "If she weren't so chummy with Potter and Black she'd be harmless."  
"How do you know they’re planning to fight? Are they creating some sort of resistance?" She chuckled spitefully  
"No, they aren't part of anything yet. I've told the dark Lord all I know. That's why I'm still here and not out there with him. What are you doing here Alecto? Do you have any sources with anything valuable to give him, or are you still just hanging on for your NEWTs?" He asked, making her glare as venomously as if he'd slapped her.  
"Just don’t make a fool of yourself again Snape, will you?" Amycus cut in, looking at him condescendingly before leading his sister away from the sallow faced boy.

 

Meanwhile, McGonagall had chivvied them into her office and sat behind her desk, leaving them to stand and peer around one another on the other side. Her formidable expression faded. "I have been informed of what happened and believe you to be utterly justified for your outburst." She assured, smiling slightly as James nodded, still with a brutish look about his face, as though he were itching to give them all the slip and hunt down Snape, which in reality he was. "I wanted to call you in to talk about the upcoming quidditch match." She had his reluctant attention at that. "Word has just come through that there are thunderstorms expected on the proposed day of the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw Quidditch match so severe that the match has been postponed, which I am sure you'll be glad of" She gave the hint of a smile, just letting her eyes light up a little, the support for her house out winning her professional neutrality. The boys looked around in meaningfully. "When has it been rescheduled for?" James asked keenly.  
"The last Saturday before the Christmas break, I trust you will be recovered enough to play by then." The head of house answered. "Yes, but -”  
"No buts Potter. We need a good strong game if we're to beat Slytherin this year."  
"No Professor, it’s just that one of our chasers left this morning. The Aurors found his mother … She should recover but they're pulling him and his sister out of school. They think they'll be safer abroad" He said, falling quiet. Everyone fell quiet. It had been a while since they had heard anything reliable from outside the school. The prophet was starting to become vague on anything which could possibly be connected to Voldemort's movements. "Of course. Will you have enough time to find someone to fill in for him and train them?" She asked, sadness in her eyes. The boys shifted uncomfortably, knowing they probably wouldn't.  
"Professor?" Lily asked, stepping forward. "I can fly pretty well. I already know all of the team's manoeuvres too. I'd like to play if that's okay" She said.  
"Well Miss Evans, that's down to the captain to decide. I do give you my approval though." Her teacher answered. Lily nodded. "Will you have me, James?" She asked with a blush as she turned to him. After everything she'd said about not wanting his approval, here she was, asking to play for him. "Gladly Lils, it's about time you got to show them how you fly" He answered. After that they left McGonagall to join the throngs in the hallways, letting the week blur by in the usual routine of classes and homework and extra study. They all started to practice their DADA more and more and Lily's appetite for healing grew exponentially.  They were training themselves.

…

 

By the time Friday rolled around the atmosphere in the castle had changed substantially, whilst the castle was festooned with the usual cheery Halloween decorations of flocks of carved pumpkins and floating candles the mood had become grim, alert and foreboding. The Halloween feast only highlighted this. The speech from Dumbledore was focused on standing together; in even the darkest of times and that there would likely be much grimmer things than Halloween in their near future. The hall itself was almost empty compared to usual; so many students had been removed from school when really Hogwarts was the safest place for them. Since they had conjured patronuses there had been another mass attack and it had been discovered that dementors had abandoned their posts at Azkaban. A lot of people were practicing their patronuses.

…

 

Saturday morning was utterly different to the past few mornings Lily had woken in the boys’ dorm. She woke in the early hours as the pale dawn light crept in through a gap in the curtains and onto her face. She whined quietly, tossing and turning for a little while, daring to attempt to fall back into a rather nice dream that she was rapidly losing to consciousness. Needless to say, she didn't re-join the already forgotten dream. Instead she lay for a while with her eyes closed, listening to the sounds around her. After a moment however, this too proved fruitless. She frowned as she realised that the dorm was utterly silent. She opened her eyes to confirm her suspicion. The lack of sleeping breaths and murmurs was explained by four empty beds. Last night Remus and Sirius had gone out after the feast and apparently not returned, but more than that, James and Peter had followed them after Lily had fallen asleep. Although she supposed Peter could have seized the opportunity to go spend the night with his mystery girl. It just didn't make sense.

 

She supposed they could have crashed a party in another house but surely she would have heard about it when they had, she was with them so constantly. At the very least she would have heard rumours. She highly doubted though that James had the stamina to party all night or would have wilfully deceived her to stop her going with them. Even more laughable was the thought that Remus would chose to party a night away. She highly doubted too that Peter would be the type to stay over with a girl. No, it was far more likely that they'd waited until she was sleeping and gone on some perverted mission to defend her honour against Snape. She curled up in the bed. She hated Snape now, there was no doubt of it, she was utterly repelled by every aspect of him. She realised that the fear that came from the thought of the marauders attacking Snape was not from one boy being outnumbered. She feared for James. The consequences would be awful. He could get kicked out just for being a noble git. He had a dangerous hero complex. She shook the thoughts away.

 

Regardless of the reason though, she had been abandoned. As she sat up on the bed, that reality sank in. The four boys had been furious with the Gryffindor girls for dumping Lily, but really how was this any different? Only a few days later they had turned their back on her too, leaving her alone. She chewed her lip, wondering, if it was a party, why they hadn't invited her. Childishly she wondered why James hadn't invited her. She'd been kidding herself. They didn't want her around anymore than Dorcas did; she was a pity case, a pet. She would only get in their way. Maybe she had been wrong to start wondering about James and herself. She killed that thought where it stood. Her confusion turned to anger. As ever, it was born by her damaged pride and embarrassment but she pretended that it was their fault.

 

The usual routine for her to express her anger began, almost on autopilot. She grabbed her quidditch robes from the top of Sirius' trunk; he had finally honoured his promise to repair them, and went to change in the bathroom. Her own broom was still wandering the grounds after she had let go of it so she picked up James'. It was identical to hers, only with the exception of having an engraving from a family member on the handle. She ignored it. She didn't want to be endeared by him now, she wanted to be furious. It did confuse her though why a boy with family money would cling onto a relic of a broom like this. She was sure that if her anger faltered sadness would sweep in like the tide and drown her. Anger was productive. She could wait for the monsoon to deluge the forest fire. She got to the quidditch pitch without seeing a soul, few people were about at five thirty in the morning, it seemed. Once she was in the air though it felt like she had been flying for years. She practiced the team manoeuvres that James had gone over with her since she had agreed to play. She couldn't recant that now and she wouldn't, even if they didn't want her around. She would play and she would enjoy it.

 

Her mind led her to reassess her time with the Marauders and with James, somehow there were three distinct groupings, the marauders as a whole, James and then Remus. Sirius's repetitive insistence that there was something going on between her and James had begun to make her wonder if there really was, or whether he was clinging onto the old joke of James asking her out constantly. As a joke, she never understood it. Yes, knowing someone was asking you out to make fun of you made you feel pretty crap, but she could never figure out how he got any kind of enjoyment from it. It certainly never got him a girlfriend. No girl could have his time; he was so busy using it to torment Lily. It also stopped Lily having any proper boyfriends because she couldn't stand them arguing with both Snape and Potter constantly. She didn't even consider that James might really like her. If he did, why not mention they were going out last night. She shushed herself; they had every right to go out without her, all of them. Soon, her thoughts got in the way of her practice so she landed; her recollection of the hushed argument with Sirius in the hospital alcove was the final straw. She couldn't bring herself to admit there was any kind of feeling between them.

 

When she landed and checked the time she discovered that she hadn’t been flying for years, the time was six thirty seven. She'd been up for an hour and seven minutes. Yet she still didn't feel fully relaxed. Most of the students wouldn’t rouse themselves until at least nine on a Saturday; she still had the grounds to herself for hours. She nipped into the Quidditch changing rooms and pulled off the heavy flying cloak which she was wearing over a vest and leggings, replacing it with a thin hoodie. What with extra Quidditch training and looking after James she hadn't been for a run in weeks. She decided a lap or so around the castle's grounds would do her good. She dumped her kit bag by the main opening to the pitch so she could pick it up again when she wanted to walk back up to the castle. She set off, running parallel to the fringe of the forbidden forest, smiling as a large tentacle stretched up, breaking the glass smooth surface of the lake. She turned to point this out to Mary before she remembered that her running partner was probably still in bed and definitely still not being spoken to.

 

She pressed on; soon noticing that the sounds that always came from the forest seemed very close. For a while she convinced herself that her mind was playing tricks on her. She tried not to peer beyond the tree line, eventually though, the noises became too persistent to ignore so she pulled out her wand, not deviating from her planned course. It had always unnerved her how no light seemed to permeate past the boughs of the first few trees of the forest, no matter the time or whether. Despite this knowledge, se glanced in. Her pace faltered when she could very definitely see a shadow, denser than the darkness around it, keeping pace with her beyond the trees. It was big.

 

She froze.

 

It stopped too, waiting.

 

She tried to be logical. Centaurs never came this close to the grounds. But there were all manner of creatures in these woods. She had heard rumours of spiders the size of horses, Thestrals too, though she wouldn't be able to see those. She had been bloody awful at Care of Magical Creatures. She wished she had paid more attention now as she tried to think of what else roamed the forest. Hippogriffs and kneazles for sure. A kneazle was a tiny creature though. She didn't suppose it mattered. She was out here alone with no idea what she was dealing with or indeed, how to deal with it and no one knew where she was, this had been so stupid of her. "Please just be a blood huge flobberworm?" She pled, her voice sounding shockingly loud in the still, cold morning air. "I'm sorry James" She whispered in fear as the shadow started towards her, not knowing why, just knowing she was.

 

"Oh" she gasped as the creature broke the forest fringe, stepping out towards her. Out of all of the magical creatures she had considered, she didn't expect to see this. But there on the grounds stood a perfectly ordinary, if magnificent, stag. It looked at her with interest in the grey morning light. "You're gorgeous" She whispered, heart hammering as she realised she wasn’t in imminent danger. Of course there would be deer in this area of Scotland, she just hadn't expected an ordinary animal to survive the forest long enough to get onto the grounds. It moved closer, nuzzling at her. She put her hand out with a smile, letting the stag nuzzle at it with its velvety fur. "I haven't got any food for you" She frowned, wondering what he wanted. He blew air at her like a sigh. She looked him over, the span of his antlers was wider than that of her outstretched arms and they rose up to crown him at an intimidating height. She put a hand to the thick ruff of fur at the creature’s neck, stroking gently.

 

 "You’re hurt" she said, noticing the blood that matted his left hind leg. "Is that why you came to see me? Hm? You need help." She moved slightly, intending to try and heal the wound for him. It looked deep; he might not survive the day otherwise. "What happened to you in there, eh?" She asked him, noticing how he held the injured leg from the ground, stopping his weight from aggravating the wound. "Something big and nasty got a hold of you by the looks of it." She wanted to do more than heal it, she wanted to comfort him. She looked into its eyes, wondering if it understood any of what it was going through; why else would such a timid creature show itself. There was more than simply life and pain in its eyes, there was sentience, such knowledge and intelligence and insight. Those weren't the eyes of a mindless beast. Lily's own eyes widened, the stags were too emotional, too human. Still, to Lily they were more than human, they were familiar. "James" she said certainly, looking to the rest of the body in confusion. Shock and fear registered in the beast’s eyes. He tried to back away from her, towards the woods but he forgot his wounds. A strange call echoed from him as his injured leg tried to bear the weight of his escape.

 

"Lily?" A voice from behind her called. She spun around to see Sirius standing on the path back to the pitch. He gave her a long look. She frowned at him spinning back to the stag again but it was gone. There was no sign that it had even been there. "James?" She called at the forest, there was no response. "James?" Sirius echoed. "No Lils, he's in the dorm, why would he be out here?" He frowned, walking over and putting his hand on her arm in an attempt to steer her back to the castle. "Did you see it?" She demanded.   
"See what?"   
"The bloody great stag. You must have seen him, he was right there." She said loudly. Sirius winced at her volume. "There was no stag, lily" he said firmly.

 

"Let’s go back to the dorm"    
"why? Am I worth your time now?" She snapped childishly, pulling away from him.   
"I don't know what you're talking about" he sighed, but it was clear that she wasn't listening, still looking for the stag. She was angrier that he had interrupted before she could heal him. She knew it would get infected and she wouldn't be able to bear the guilt if knowing she could have helped.

 

"Lily come on, you're shaking."  
"But... James" she murmured  
"In the dorm" he repeated.   
"I need my bag" she relented, still certain that James and the animal were connected. He smiled   
"I'm two steps ahead Lilyflower" he said, lifting the bag.   
"I don't doubt it" she said, giving him a look which said she wouldn't be placated; she wanted to know what was going in.

 

…

 

"You must have seen him or at least heard him" she muttered for the fifth time as they were crossing the common room to the stairs. He ignored her, trying to gauge how long they had taken to get here. "I think we should just stay here for a bit Lily" he answered, she narrowed her eyes at that, it was a little suspicious. But what drove Lily into the staircase was Mary, hovering hopefully. She ploughed on, up the spiralling stone steps. He huffed, unsurprised by her stubbornness. Halfway up a pained yelp came from the top dorm. Both of them froze. He saw it in her eyes but she had bolted before he could grab her, she was running up the stairs, towards James.  There was no denying it had been James. "No Lily" Sirius growled, following.

 

Remus was passed out, sprawled over the bed exactly as when Sirius had dumped him there, Peter standing near James' bed, looking faint as James gave him a series of orders through gritted teeth. His face was contorted as he tried to stay conscious through the pain blooming from his leg, trying to transcend it unsuccessfully. Under a wide tear in his jeans there was a huge gouge in his leg, a bloodied T-shirt applying pressure in an attempt to stop himself losing blood at such an alarming rate. "Peter, get your arse over here now and put some pressure on this for me before Moony wakes up. Wormy, please" he said desperately. "I can't, I'm not Lily, I don't know how to fix it" he panicked "I already tried Lily and she knows it was me Wormy, I fucked up. She knows." He said, growing faint. They both looked to the door as Lily burst in, Sirius hot on her heels. There was no use hiding the wound, she already knew. James watched as she drew near, watched recognition fill her eyes when she looked at the wound. He wasn't expecting her to meet his own eyes, seeming to find confirmation in them. She knew. That was the point at which he passed out.

 

Lily didn't waste anymore time after that. She pulled off her hoodie "Lie him down on the bed and get his jeans off" She ordered Sirius and Peter. "Do it, now or he'll lose too much blood" she said urgetly, tying her hair back into a bun as she went to her trunk, pulling out the medical  equipment she'd been starting to collect. Sirius and peter did as she said while she ranged the things she'd need beside hm on the bed. She grabbed her pillows too, using them to elevate his leg. "Out of my way" She said simply. "Sirius, I need you to go and nick something to ease pain from the potions store room or the hospital wing, take the cloak." She didn't turn to him to check. She cleaned away the blood, getting a look at the wound. It was much deeper than she had expected. She cleaned it carefully after stopping the bleeding as well as she could. She struggled to grip her wand, realising her hand was sick with blood. Peter ran forward with a towel. She gave him a brief smile as she quickly dried her hand and wand. There was still blood but it wasn't slippery now. She began to chant, trying to stimulate the muscles to knit back together, for the deeper tissue to heal. It was desperately difficult. Sirius had returned, placing two jars of a gloopy, opalescent liquid by her. She still hadn't finished. Eventually, the tissue seemed to have taken. It would be weak for a while but at least it wasn't severed. She couldn't make his skin heal though. She bit her lip. "Peter, go get some food for when they wake, it looks like they'll both be weak." She said with a glance to Remus, waiting for his footsteps to fade as she observed the skin.

 

"Food?" Sirius dared to question.  
"It wasn't a complete lie; we'll all need it sooner or later." She said, thinking.  
"So why did you want rid of him?"  
"Because if he faints we won't be able to move either of them" She said, glancing to Remus. "Lay him straight would you? He looks awful." Sirius did as she said, laying him out like he was asleep, making sure his head was supported. "So why would peter faint?"  
“I’m going to have to stitch the skin." She sighed. Sirius looked confused still.  "Muggle doctors do it. I can't make his skin close over with magic, so I'll have to stitch it by hand and then use magic to accelerate the sealing of the wound. He's going to have one hell of a scar." She said grimly.  
"Stitching? Like with a needle and thread? I can’t believe muggles have to do that … Why do you have to do it to James? Surely there’s a spell, an incantation …"   
"There is, I've tried them and it won't take, something with magic made this wound, it's immune to it. It wasn't as bad deeper but the closer to the surface I got the harder it became; his skin is totally immune to it. So this won't be pleasant, you shouldn’t watch" she said. She cleaned his skin and the wound the best she could again, certain he wouldn’t get infected. She dried her hands, picking up the surgical needle. Her hands were trembling as the adrenaline began to wane. She took a deep breath, calming herself. She had never done this before, any of it. She had managed this far though; the only difference was that it would be her hands, rather than her magic that would be working. She doubted her hands far more. She threaded the needle, glad she had been prepared and decided to bring the muggle equipment with her. The initial stitch was the hardest, gauging how deep and how close to the wound to go with the needle.

 

She was aware that Sirius was watching with morbid curiosity as she sewed James back together. Peter was still MIA as she used a severing charm to cut off the excess surgical thread a while later. "So, if his skin is immune to magic, how are you going to accelerate the healing?" He frowned. She thought for a moment.  
"In my trunk, there’s a little case with different bottles of potions in it, can you bring it to me?" She asked. He nodded.  
"Which one do you need?" He asked, looking at the six small potions blankly.  
"Essence of Dittany, it's in the orange bottle, a dark potion with a colour like iodine." She answered.  
"I think iodine must be a muggle thing" He answered, pulling the bottle out that most matched the description and removing the stopper before handing it to her. She smiled gratefully; her hands had started to shake again. She picked up a dropper from her array on the bed, starting to drip the murky, orange-brown tincture onto the seam of where his skin met. Each drop hissed and gave off acrid smoke as it hit his skin. As she had hoped, the skin healed over, the scarring might not be as bad as she had feared, but it would scar nonetheless. She was halfway through when peter returned with a huge tray of food which he levitated onto Lily's bed. "Stay back Pete" Sirius warned, this still wasn't pleasant. It was another half an hour before Lily stepped back from the bed, drenched in blood and sweat as she looked at the long, thin scar of an angry purple that marred his leg. "I'm sorry it couldn't have been cleaner" She sighed, running a finger along the scar. "Lily, you fixed him. A scar is the least of his worries. It'll fade. He thought he was going to die." Sirius said. She nodded, exhausted, mentally and physically. “What happened to you in there?” She whispered, repeating the question she had posed to the stag to James.

 

"I'm going to have a shower. I’ll take care of him, you know I will. But I want answers this time. That animal out there was him. I want to know what the hell is going on or I'm done here" She said.  
"Lily, wait we can-" Sirius began but she turned, heading for the bathroom, ignoring him.  
"Keep his leg elevated" She sighed as she shut the door behind her.

 

When she came back out the dorm had been tidied completely. Her dittany was stoppered and in its case. The case itself was atop her trunk with all of the other things she had used, including her wand, all which had been cleaned. James' sheets, which had been severely bloodied, had been cleaned too and the jeans he had been wearing were being repaired by Sirius. "He hasn't woken up yet." Peter said when he spotted her. "He's making noises though, so he might be coming round”. She nodded gratefully and picked up a spoon from the tray on which the food mountain rested and went to the jars Sirius had brought her. She inspected it, no label. She opened it and sniffed the opalescent liquid. "Wow, where did you find mistlayne?" She asked him. It was a powerful pain killer which was incredibly rare and expensive due to the fact it relieved pain whilst leaving the mind unimpaired, yet Sirius had found two large jars.

  
"I heard a rumour that Slughorn had been brewing restricted potions in his office to turn over a quick profit on the back market down in Knocktern alley." He said. "So I snuck in and had a look about. I'd wager that he has more of that than even St. Mungo's do. He can't complain so much has gone missing either because it's really illegal to be brewing without a Ministry approved licence. We can take as much as we need and he won’t be able to say a word." She thought about that for a while. "Do you think we could get our hands on some more of the stuff he's brewing? Not right now, but before we leave? It might be handy to have a supply at the ready.” He nodded.   
"You and I can sneak in under the cloak. He has all sorts in there. You'll know what you need better than I do." He grinned sa she spooned up some of the gel-like substance, inspecting it. It was good quality, perfect. She looked up as Sirius laughed. "What?" She frowned at him.  
"Nothing, just that … Little, innocent, play-it-by-the-book Lily Evans has become a thief and rebel extraordinaire." He chuckled.  
"You’re a bad influence Black." She shot back

 

Their banter was cut short as James came to with a little moan. She put down the large jar and moved close. Don’t try and sit up, you lost a lot of blood." She soothed him. He nodded, wincing as he realised how light headed he felt. "Can someone help me sit?" He asked after a moment. Sirius went to him quickly, hearing the sharp intake of breath as his leg was moved a little. They built up the cushions behind him so he could sit up easily.   
"Here, for the pain." She said, taking a spoon of the mistlayne and offering it to him. He opened his mouth, swallowing the offered medication quickly. She watched as he looked down at his leg in confusion. Instead of seeing the gaping tear in his leg there was only a fine purple scar stretching cross his leg above the knee. "How?" He asked blankly.  
"Lily fixed you up mate, better than I could have believed." Sirius answered. James looked up at her in awe as she put the jar down.    
"I'm sorry about the scarring, there wasn't much I could do, we can make it fade quickly though if we can get our hands on a certain salve … that's not what I want to talk about though." She said carefully. "I need to know everything James or I'm done. Done with chasing around after you with no idea what’s really going on. Done with whatever this is" She said, gesturing vaguely between them. "I need to trust you and I so badly want to trust you, I want to understand and be a part of this group but you're keeping things from me and it scares me. It makes me doubt you and I can't bear that anymore … What are you keeping from me?" She asked, her tone almost pleading. He looked at her sadly. This was his fault, he had to make it better but it wasn't his secret to tell. All he had wanted for so long was her trust. Now he could have it in a few simple words but loyalty silenced him, loyalty to Remus, to the secret they had all kept for nearly seven years, the secret they had gone to such lengths to protect. A calm voice interrupted this internal war. "It's aright James. She deserves to know, it's time." Remus said quietly as he sat up, watching them all from exhausted, sunken eyes. "It’s time she knew the truth."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I hope you liked it, leave any feedback in the comments, it's greatly appreciated :)
> 
> Also, i know I said that wasn't going to name anymore chapters after songs but this is one of my all time favourites. If you haven't heard it before you need it in your life. Trust me.
> 
> \- L


	9. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily finally stumbles into the biggest of The Marauder's conspiracies. As Lily has a crisis of faith in her friends, a face from the past is obsessed with weighing her down in useless nostalgia. More than one revelation awaits her.

The words rang in her mind. Remus looked so pale, all weak and ill and grave. His tone worried her more than the words. There was no levity with him now, no gentle charm. "Remus … What are you taking about?" She asked. Surely whatever was happening was down to James. The way they all looked to him now it was like he had somehow usurped the leadership of that gang from James.  He looked to James and nodded in encouragement.

 

"Remus mate, I can't" He said. Lily frowned at that. She rarely heard them call each other by their real names, always with the stupid nicknames that made no sense. There was too much that made no sense now. So she just stood in the middle of the dorm, waiting for James and Remus to battle it out silently.

 

 

"Okay" James sighed, wincing as he shifted himself. "You're right Lils; we haven't told you everything-”  
"Whoa, don't Wormy and I get a say in this?" Sirius demanded. “I know that Moony wants her to know but still, it affects us all, it affects Dumbledore and McGonagall and his family. We could get in serious trouble for this James, if she tells a soul -"  
"But she won't. She’s kept it all a secret without us even asking, the cloak, the map, and the notebooks. She's one of us now Pads. To protect him she'd keep the secret." He snapped back. There was a tense silence while the brothers glared, eventually Peter's voice cut in timidly. "I want her to know … I mean, I trust her, she’ll understand. She accept everything else about us, why not this too?" He said, smiling to Lily gently. That seemed to swing it for all of them. There was another short silence after which Sirius shrugged "Fine, she'll figure it out anyway."  He sighed petulantly. James nodded as Sirius went to sit on his bed, watching them. By this point Lily was utterly confused, wondering how big the conspiracy she had stumbled into was if it could incriminate all four boys and several teachers. She conjured a chair by James' bed and sat, looking at him intently. She was staying silent. "Okay Lils, this is hard to explain and you probably won’t believe me. You have to be open-minded about this, okay?" James said, focused on her despite being aware that all eyes were on him.   
"To be honest, I'll believe anything right now." she sighed, but nodded her agreement, waiting for him to continue.

 

 

"You did see me on the grounds. I was the stag you tried to help. It was stupid and reckless and downright dangerous for me to show myself to you but I was injured and disorientated in the woods. I didn't realise how late it was getting. I could barely think for the pain. Then I caught a scent. It was familiar and when I'm in that shape my mind uses simple logic unless I try really hard to access something more insightful. To me that scent meant I would find comfort and safety. I followed it to you. You guided me out of the woods without even knowing it. The instinct was being proved right but you saw me. You saw me inside that stag and Sirius helped me escape but I knew it was too late." He said, looking to his friend, whose expression had softened slightly. Lily was not as easily swayed as Sirius.  
"Yes but, how the hell were you a stag, James? Did someone transfigure you?" Shed asked, wondering who would have the ability or motive for such a trick. She ignored the whole concept of what he seemed to associate with her, deciding she would dwell on it later.  
"No Lily"  
"Then how?"  
"You know how … think."  
"You have to be kidding" She said after a moment, sitting back in her chair, refusing to even think the word.   
"I'm not Lils, you saw it, how else could it be explained?"  
"You're an animagus?" She said, almost scoffing at the idiocy of it "You know James as far as excuses go that's one of the most grandiose I've heard. ‘Sorry you're confused Lily but I can transform into the representation of my soul manifest as magnificent and proud beast'. I don't buy it James." She said in a harsh tone.   
"How can I prove it? I can’t move and transforming now could tear open the scar." He protested. She thought for a moment.

 

 

"How did you learn then?" She asked, humouring the madness for a moment.  
"We first read about animagi in first year, never considered it to be a possibility until the summer holiday before third year. We never actually managed it until Fifth year." He answered pragmatically.  
"We?" She questioned  
"Peter, Sirius and I" He said promptly.  
"So you three mastered what most wizards never can and you did it at the age of sixteen?"  
"Yeah" He said earnestly. His sincerity made her genuinely question whether he was telling the truth or he was insane and just believed he was telling the truth.

 

"Why? Why on earth would the three of you want to transform yourselves, knowing how dangerous it was? You could have killed yourselves in the attempt." She said, exasperated. "I know you were always trying to prove yourself, prove your innate talent, your skill, but this is too much to be assigned to pride." He was silent at this for such a long time that she pulled her intense gaze from him to the other boys who were looking serious.   
"We had to take care of Remus, we couldn't bear it anymore. He needed us." Peter said eventually, voice full of sadness. Lily frowned, looking to Remus. After a moment he swallowed and patted the bed beside himself. It was time; he had to remind himself of that.

 

She got up and crossed to him, perching on the edge of his bed beside him with her back to the others. She took one of his hands in both of hers. It was so cold. He squeezed her hand very gently, as though he couldn't afford to spare any more energy on the touch. "I'm so sorry Lily, I should never have let you get this close to me, and it isn't fair on you, I know." He said, smiling wryly as he held her hands. "I'm ill, Lily. I have a condition and I know it'll repel you to be near me once I tell you. I understand if you feel deceived or betrayed or repulsed. I just ask one thing; please don't tell my secret. It would cause a scandal that would shame us all and ruin the teachers who have helped us. And I just wanted to thank you. Thank you, Lily for being such a wonderful friend so far. I've enjoyed it so immensely. Thank you" He whispered, tears in his eyes as he prepared himself to say goodbye to her.

 

"Hey now Remus" She soothed, an edge of fear in her voice at the way he was behaving. "Whatever it is, the boys know, right?" She asked, he nodded with sad eyes. "Well, they're all still here, sticking with you. What illness would mean I wouldn't too? You're one of my dearest friends Remus, you really are. I love you" She smiled, eyes filling too, she couldn't bear the thought that he could be ill, dying. Maybe he had been all the while and she'd never known. She didn't care how the stag fitted into all of this. She was facing the prospect of losing one of her best friends and it felt like she was suffocating. "Remus, please. What's wrong?" She whispered. The drama with James could wait.

  
  
"Lycanthropy" He answered with a pained expression. "That's what's killing me." He looked up at her, bracing himself to use her forever.   
"Don’t be ridiculous." She breathed. But seeing no contradiction in his features he sobered, tears slowly blurring his face for a moment a she shook with quiet sobs. When she withdrew a hand, Remus thought this was it, the moment she left him. He was amazed when one hand stayed, the other just using her sleeve to wipe away tears. "Oh Remus" She whispered, cupping his cheek in her hand, gently stroking his pale skin with her thumb as if to check this was really happening, that they were, in fact, still siting on that bed, sharing that secret. "For how long?" She asked, pain in her voice.   
"I was five when I was … When he bit me. He came into the house, killed my mother and bit me … All because people thought of my father as a blood traitor for marrying a Muggleborn." he looked down in shame, the anger and injustice burning him as much as the pain. "Does it hurt awfully?" She whispered, knowing it was a stupid question but needing to know. He nodded.   
"Physically yes, but more mentally round the transformation." He smiled a little at her confusion. "Imagine it Lily, for days before and I try to mentally prepare myself, knowing it won't work. I worry about what would happen if I got free, how many students I could kill before anyone could stop me, worse, how many I could bite and leave alive. This has to be worse than dying, living like this. It's so hard living with the guilt and the fear and the agony. I know I should push you all away to protect you but I'm so selfish. I want to hold onto all of this love while I can. And anyway, my friends usually end up protecting me from myself as much as anything else …" he smiled at Sirius a little.

 

She moved to sit close beside him, hugging him with her head perched on his shoulder, peering up at him , she started to ask "But how do they protect you when you're a …" She bit her lip in hesitation.  He smiled in surprise that she was still willing to be so near to him. "You can say it you know … Werewolf?" He guessed how her sentence would have ended.  
"Yeah ... That."  
"We usually call it his 'furry little problem' though" Sirius said.  
"Some people think he has a rogue rabbit" Peter added. Remus smiled at them, thankful for them trying to normalise it, to make him feel accepted within the joke, rather than the subject of ridicule.  
"It's a nice euphemism as far as they go" She smiled through damp eyes. He was so relieved she was taking it like this, still clinging onto him. Maybe he was worth saving after all.  


"James was telling the truth about them being animagi Lily, that's how they protect me." He told her very gently. They take me through a secret passageway under the whomping willow. It leads me to somewhere away from people where I can be contained. It's far too dangerous for them to do it as humans; animals are immune to werewolf bites though."   
"Thank Merlin" Sirius interjected playfully.  
"Yeah.  So animals, but really we needed at least two big, strong animals to be able to pin me down when I'm like that and a much smaller one to stop the tree attacking us through a mechanism at the roots." He explained "They took a big risk in helping me. The teachers know about me of course but if they found out about them … they'd be in so much trouble. That's on top of the risk of me killing them once a month too." He sighed, wrapping an arm around her, drawing comfort from her as she was from him. He dared a glance to James. For once he didn't seem angry about how close he and Lily were, he just looked desperately sad.

 

It had been James who wanted to bring Lily into their group; he saw it as his own fault Remus had to dredge up this pain. It was like watching him cut himself. Remus saw the pain as cathartic though. It was a therapy to know he would never have to lie to her or hide from her again.

 

"That's where the nicknames come from" Remus added, explaining further when he saw she wasn't following, pulled from her train of thought. "The nicknames only we use for each other ...  I'm Moony" he grinned.  
"Oh well that's sensitive of them" she frowned "wait ... Prongs?" She smiled, looking to James, "because of the antlers"  
"Took me a whole week to think if that" Sirius grinned.  
"Can't you show me?" she asked James, despite knowing there was a risk that the wound could tear open.  
"Soon, besides you've already seen me." he promised with a gentle smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.  
"So Wormy and Padfoot"  
"Wormtail" Peter corrected with a blush. Lily smiled.  
"So what manner of beast has a worm tail? A lizard? A worm?" She teased   
"guess again Lils" Remus smiled, starting to rather enjoy this.   
"Oh, are you a mouse? Remus said they needed a small one" she said.   
"Nearly, should I show you?" He offered nervously. She nodded enthusiastically. Peter so rarely got an opportunity to show off that, along with her genuine intrigue, she wanted to praise him. If this was real, it was unbelievable that they’d achieved it.

 

"Close your eyes" Sirius trilled, to which she pulled a face but complied. He giggled as Peter changed and he scooped him up.  
"Pads ..." James sighed reproachfully as he held the rat right to Lily's face. He ignored him.   
"And open them ...SURPRISE!" He sang as Lily opened her eyes, jumping at how close he was.   
"Peter?" She asked, awed. Sirius offered him up and Lily took him gently, lifting the brown rat from Sirius’ hold. He would be totally unremarkable for a rat if it weren't for his behaviour and something in his eyes as he sniffed and nuzzled at her. "Hey now" she murmured to him. "So what's Sirius? Padfoot, is he a big cowardly lion? A domesticated little moggy?" She smiled before a low growl ripped the room, grabbing her attention. She automatically pulled Peter closer protectively. A huge hound was drawing closer, teeth bared as he stalked near, a low grumbling from his chest. "Enough Pads" Remus sighed, but he didn't, lowering himself to the ground like he was going to pounce, he looked frenzied. "Sirius!" James roared, throwing the day’s prophet at him. His demeanour changed instantly. He scampered to James' side, sitting with an expectant look, every inch the house trained hound. Peter uncurled from the fear induced knot he had worked his little body into, squeezing loudly at the dog, as if berating him.

 

She released Peter and he scampered away, down from the bed to the pile of food. "Not with rat hands" James sighed, as though it was a regular issue to see the rat reaching into the communal snack pile. The dog snapped at him as he walked over, managing to still carry his signature swagger even on four legs. He jumped lithely onto the bed with Lily and Remus. It was getting crowded on the bed but Lily stroked his soft fur as he dumped his head goofily on Remus's lap.

 

"How bad wait this time mate?" Remus asked, looking to James, noting the scar on his leg.  
"I'm fine now, that's all that matters." James said. He didn't want him to have the guilt of the injury but he couldn't lie to him. Remus saw through it though.   
"How bad was it?” he repeated.  
" ... Not as bad as it could have been" he said eventually and Remus winced. It had been bad, very bad. Anything could have happened if he'd injured James that badly, caused him so much pain that he had become lost in the forest. He could have been killed by a wild creature with no strength to defend himself. If it was as bad as he feared, the wound itself could have killed him. Lily watched the exchange apprehensively. "I fixed him up easily enough Remus. If I can make him sit up and smile then it can't have been all that bad."  
"You underestimate your gift when it comes to healing Lily, I don't." He said. "But thank you for fixing him." He said sincerely.  
“Oh but this is James Potter we're talking about. I can put him back together; I doubt anyone can fix him." She teased to soothe Remus, glancing to James. James had been about to argue. What Lily had done was beyond belief, to nurse someone through a werewolf attack was bloody difficult, especially such a bad one. He caught the slight edge in her glance though and it stayed his tongue. Neither of them wanted Remus to know quite how much pain he was capable of inducing. He was still Remus to them; they couldn't allow him to become a monster to himself.

 

"Are you in pain, Remus?" She asked gently as she brushed his hair from his forehead as Mrs Potter sometimes did when he visited. It was full of care and love; if he could remember how it was to have a mother he would define the touch as maternal. He swallowed, nodding faintly. His exhaustion was returning rapidly, visibly grabbing him, adding resistance to every move and dragging him to the murky kind of sleep, riddled with black fog and shadows. He was trying to fight it and only exhausting himself the faster for it. He wanted to stay awake in the light with his friends. Lily bit her lip. "Have something to eat and I'll give you some of the mistlayne, it'll help you sleep and ease the pain." She said. She touched his arm as she stood. "Thank you for telling me, Remus." She said gently. She motioned to Peter and he scampered forwards, now in his human form once again. He came and put some food in front of Remus and they had a short conversation in muted tones as he ate. Lily crossed the room to James, checking his temperature and the scar.

 

"Are you in pain?" She checked. He shook his head.  
"That stuff's still working." He said, pointing to the jar of mistlayne. She nodded.  
"You’re cold; can I put the covers over you?" She asked. He nodded, she still seemed unimpressed with him and he couldn't work out why. She covered him over and picked up the mistlayne. Remus spied it as Peter left him and Lily came back. "My my Miss Evans, how did you get your virtuous hands on a ministry controlled potion?" He asked. "Well, not through virtuous means." she smiled, at which Remus’ eyes slid to Sirius without any further prompt. Once he took the potion he was asleep in seconds, pain and nightmares forgotten as he fell into a blissfully empty sleep.

 

 

Sirius stayed by him in his sleep, like he was still protecting him. Lily went and closed the curtains on one side of his bed so the light from the window wouldn't wake him.

 

"You're still mad at me, right?" James asked her quietly.  
"I don't know James, I just don't know" she sighed, looking up as a handsome black owl perched at their window, letter in its beak.   
"Whose is that?" He crowed, sitting up. Lily stormed over to it after a slight pause.   
"Take it back to him, I don't want it." She said to the bird which blinked at her lazily. "Hermes, go back to him." She begged.  
"Who does it belong to?" James asked her, seeing her distress.  
"It doesn't matter because I won't read it."  
"Lils ... I thought things were a little better with Mary now."  
"Mary has a barn owl" she said, still flapping at the bird which stayed in place. A low growl suddenly came from Sirius as he picked up the scent of the birds owner.  
"It's Snape’s" Peter said. "He set it on me once, it's a nasty little shit."  
"Just like Snivellous then" James said "Are you going to read it then Lils?" He asked.  
"I'm about to throw the bloody owl out of the window, does it look like I'm going to read it James?" She snapped. Even just seeing her name written in that spidery script made her feel ill.

 

Suddenly Peter was between the owl and her, pinching the letter from its beak, tearing it a little in his haste. Before she could grab him he was on four legs, the letter in his mouth, so large in comparison to the rat that he was stumbling over it in his dash to James. In the strange manner that rats do, he had managed to climb vertically up an overhanging corner of his quilt and into James' lap, holding up the letter to him. "Peter you little shit, James, give it back, now." She snapped. Peter dashed off to hide under his bed. "James?" She said, holding out her hand. Instead of handing it over, he opened it. He sounded like the words were poison as he read them aloud, his mouth twisting them into something grotesque. "Look at this … _'my dearest Lily'_ Who does he think he is, your boyfriend?’ _Sorry to write to you like this but I have to warn you-'_ "  
" _Incendio_ " She said, wand extended. The parchment smouldered between his fingers, blackening it before he could read any more of it.  
"Lily!" He yelped, dropping it. She summoned the singed parchment.  
"I don't have a boyfriend" She said harshly in response to his previous question." Apparently I don’t have any privacy either." She offered the parchment back to the owl. She stroked his inky feathers briefly, allowing herself a single moment to remember. She had loved the owl once, thought he was the most handsome animal on earth. She had even named him for Sev when he couldn’t think of a name. Hermes, the Greek god famed for delivering messages. She loved ancient mythology as a child, the mystery and magic of it all. "This is my reply Hermes; don't bring me anything back, okay?" She said much more softly. She swallowed, closing the window as it took off, taking the memory with it.

 

"You're an arse" She told James, grabbing a few things from the food pile and a book before she retreated to her bed, closing the four-poster's curtains with her wand once she was seated within it.  
"Lily?" He tried to protest to the closed curtains. There was no answer. He cursed himself and flopped back on the pillow. "Oh piss off Padfoot" He muttered, noticing the dog giving him a 'well that was stupid' look.

 

It was an age before anyone moved from the positions they had ensconced themselves in, the sky fading to a deep purple. "Well I'm starving and it looks like Moony's out cold for a few hours yet. Anyone up for another trip to the kitchens?" Sirius asked, stretching out as he stood from his friend’s bed.  
"Me" Peter said quickly, keen to escape the tension of the room. James shook his head desperately at them; if they left a shouting match was the only thing that could happen.   
"No Prongsie, you need to rest that leg up, we'll bring you something back up though." He said theatrically. "You want anything Lils?" He called. Lily's head appeared from between two curtains, pushing them apart.   
"Sure, just bring me anything?" She asked.  
"That we will Lilyflower." He bowed before dragging Peter from the room. It left Lily and James alone. Well, Remus was there too but he was very unconscious and therefore not contributing much to the discourse.

 

"I'm sorry." James said as Lily came over to check the scar.   
"I know" she sighed, not meeting his eye. He gently caught her wrist as she pulled back "James…" She started in exasperation  
"No, hang on." He implored. "I'm sorry, I really am. I thought you hated him these days, especially after the thing in DADA the other day. I shouldn't have nicked your letter and I shouldn't have been a dick. I couldn't help it when I read what he called you. After what he did to you and what he's done since he doesn't have the right to sweet talk you."  
"I do hate him, but you must realise it hurts, not what you did. He hurts me all the time. Not by being overtly malicious. Just the knowledge that he's so close and yet it's not him. It's like my best friend died and I could never grieve. Everyone wanted me to be angry, so I couldn't grieve him. But on top of that, he's not dead. He's walking and talking, writing me letters with a bloody dark mark on his arm …" She said quietly.   
"Do you love him?" James asked quietly. She looked up in surprise.  
"No ... I never loved him, not like that anyway. He was my brother, my best friend. So I supposed I loved him in a way, just not the way you’re afraid of."  
"I'm not afraid."  
"Your pulse is giving you away." She gave a smile as he looked down. He hadn't noticed her move her hand in his loose grip, taking his pulse at his wrist.   
"Maybe it's not fear doing that Lils" her smile slipped and she withdrew her hand.

 

"Don't do this James" She sighed, folding her arms defensively around herself.  
"Why not? There's something Lils. You can’t deny there's something here."  
"I can't bloody trust you James! And for as long as that 'something’ exists between us I can't trust myself either. You're an animagus … is there anything else you haven't told me?"  
"You know why I couldn't tell you that." He argued, thinking it hardly fair she would hold it against him.  
"Yes, but I can't help but think there's more I don't know. I trusted Sev, I trusted Mary and Alice and Dorcas and in the end they all treat me like shit, James. So excuse me if the only person I trust right now is Remus!"

 

The Remus comment could be dealt with another day. "What do you want me to say Lily? I would never hurt you, now that you know this I'll never lie to you again." He promised.   
"Don't you get it. You already have hurt me. I know we said we were putting it behind us, starting over this year but, really James. Those years of teasing? It hurt. I couldn't hold down a bloody relationship for more than five minutes, Sev was badgering me about it constantly and so was Mary. Even when you weren't picking on me, I was being reminded of it! You're not starting in the best place to be virtuous." He frowned.  
“You mean when I was asking you out?" He frowned. She nodded curtly. He couldn't believe it. She thought that had been him trying to hurt her? She really had no idea how he felt for her all these years. She thought he was taking the piss, wounding her pride on purpose. "Lily I-" He fell silent as Peter and Sirius returned, looking at her reproachfully. They were always interrupted. Lily composed herself faster than James and looked up at them.

 

"You won’t believe who's pretending to be homeless out next to the portrait hole." Sirius said casually as he gave out the food.   
"I solemnly swear I am up to no good" James said quietly, tapping the map with his wand.   
"That's cheating!" Sirius protested but he was quelled with a look from James, he was not in the mood to play along. Lily went over to see, peeping a reasonable distance from James. 

 

 

"What did he want?" Lily asked in a closed tone as she saw Snape’s dot pacing.  
"He was badgering MacDonald. He wanted her to give you a letter, looks like he wasn’t pleased with your response to his owl."  
"So what did you do?" She asked.  
"Split them up before MacDonald did anything too rash or told him anything and I told him not to bother, you'd burnt the last one after he'd called you ‘ _dearest’_." He shrugged "Peter just stood there gaping. He tied to give me the bloody message then, talk about desperate, he didn't even sneer, the slimy git." Lily didn't react to the insult; she was used to it now.  
"I don't care what he has to say" She shrugged; he was making it hard to achieve the clean break she wanted from him. The break was jagged and he kept aggravating the wound, infecting it painfully.  
"What if it's important?" Peter asked hesitantly. She raised her eyebrows.  
"Then I'm sure I'll find out through less slimy channels" She answered, meeting the hand Sirius extended in a high-five.

 

A while later Remus woke and Lily made sure he ate before he fell asleep again. They all ate, chatting quietly without incident as the sky darkened to royal blue then to smoky black. It had been a long, exhausting day and Lily crawled into bed gratefully, her sleep punctuated by gaping wounds and Snape chasing her with a dire warning. He never managed to give her it though; his mouth would disappear whenever he got close to her, just an expanse of pale skin between his nose and chin. A series of flashes of lights and shouts also played behind her eyelids, making her restless and just as exhausted when she got up as when she had fallen asleep.

 

"Nurse? Please can I go to breakfast and have shower?" James asked once she was up.  
"Can you stand?" She asked. After a moment he fought to his feet. "Fine, but Sirius has to do your bed bath" She teased. Limbo again for them then. When they were all ready Lily dosed James up again. He felt perfectly fine after he took the mistlayne, his mind unimpaired and the pain gone. Remus was feeling and looking a lot better so he came too, so they all headed down the spiral staircase into the empty common room. Sirius and James were the first out of the portrait hole, both stopping suddenly. "Would you look at that?" Sirius said with a smirk in his voice.  
"Er, you should see this Lily." James said, looking back at her. They stood aside, letting her jump out of the portrait hole to see Snape slumped against the wall, asleep.  
"Was he here all night?" She asked, crouching in front of him. There were pages crumpled in a carpet around him and a pot of ink was upturned by his hand, the ink setting in a small, smooth surfaced puddle that reflected the four boys standing over her in dark hues, leeched of colour. Remus looked like a phantom. "Looks like he really wanted to warn you" Peter said quietly. Lily sighed and picked up the ink pot, putting it upright by his hand. The movement rippled the surface of the ink stain. 

  
"Lily?" Snape started awake, her shock was reflected in his dark eyes; they were face to face on the floor. Instantly four sets of arms pulled her up and away from him but he jumped to his feet. "Lily please, just read this." He said loudly. She was being rushed away, around a corner and into a passage concealed by a tapestry, then James and Sirius were gone again, leaving Lily to fume with Remus. She closed her eyes, listening to the boys talk. She tried to control the would, conceal her pain in anger. "Listen mate, she doesn't owe you anything, like I told you last night." Sirius said, hands up defensively as they stood between Snape and the corner, aware that Peter was trapped behind Snape, between him and the portrait hole. "I'm not your mate, you smug git" Snape snapped. "I need to tell her, it's urgent." He said, looking around them.  
"I'm sure it is" James said tightly, letting last night's argument with Lily keep him in check. "Tell me and I'll tell her, or I'll give her the letter if you want?" He offered, Snape just snorted at that offer.  
"I'm not trusting you Potter, this is too urgent. It's for her own good" He implored  
"Like the snakes were for her own good?" James asked, unable to stop himself. Snape paled further. He saw where Lily got her pride from, Snape had taught her it, it was there in his eyes, just like hers. But snape’s eyes were dead. Lily’s pride smouldered in heer eyes like it was burning her. "This conversation is over” Sirius said, pushing James back gently, motioning for Peter to follow, they moved back to the corner as Snape gaped.

 

"LILY? Are you going to let them speak for you, let them control you like this?" He yelled, hoping she was still close. As always, Peter was lagging behind. Snape launched at him, grabbing his left arm and dragging him back, nails digging in through his hoodie. Peter yelped. "Take this, give it to Mary." He ordered him, forcing the letter into Peter's hand.  
"Why would I do that? They don't talk anymore." Peter answered, nonplussed  
"It doesn't matter" He recalculated quickly "Just get her to put it in the dorm or leave it on her bed or something."  
"Lily doesn't live in Mary's dorm anymore …" Peter frowned in confusion, trying to pull away as his expression darkened, his hand tightening on Peter's arm. "Peter" James yelled.  
"Where does she sleep, Pettigrew?" He demanded. "Tell me" Peter looked between the Gryffindors and the snake, panicking. "She sleeps in our dorm." He said quietly.

 

"Shit" Sirius sighed, seeing the anger in Snape's eyes. Remus was suddenly by them and the pair managed to wrestle James back to the hidden passage, knowing he would be too weak to fight.  
"Get off me Padfoot" James spat savagely as he tried to free himself. "Where is she? Where's Lily?" He demanded. They were alone in the passage.

 

"She must have snuck out as we were getting you in" Sirius muttered. Lily was standing behind the corner, listening to Snape rage at Peter. There was no way he could escape on two legs. Lily needed to give him a distraction to work with. " _Diffindo_ " She yelled, pointing her wand at the stone wall above Snape as she jumped out into the corridor, dodging back again once the curse was cast. A cloud of thick dust filed the corridor from the rock that exploded, disorientating him. It gave Peter a chance to break out of his hold. Under the cover of the thick dust he transformed, running as fast as he could for the corner. When she spotted the rat, Lily grabbed him with little dignity and ran with him tucked in like a rugby ball, only just managing to throw herself into the passage and out of sight before Snape rounded the corner, enraged. He saw only an empty corridor. They all held their breath as his footsteps drew close to their hiding place. Sirius had caught Lily when she had thrown herself blindly into the passage, he set her on her feet properly and Remus let go of James cautiously. They moved away from the passage mouth silently, knowing they'd emerge far from Snape.

 

They made their way towards the great hall quickly, all tense after the encounter. This couldn't keep happening.  Lily barely noticed the way people were looking at them as they passed as they left the hall after breakfast. She realised they were looking at her, al grim and respectfully pale faced "James?" She said in confusion.  
"I've noticed" he assured. Their suspicion was confirmed when they stepped into the hall and they were met by a sudden cessation of conversation, a wall of silence hurting at them at a hundred miles an hour. McGonagall spotted them huddled in the doorway of the hall and jumped up, striding through the silence towards them. There was no knowing twinkle in her eyes, she was tight-lipped and severe. Surely she couldn't know about the skirmish upstairs already.

 

"Miss Evans" She said in a quiet tone when she reached them. "I think you had better come with me."   
"Why?" Lily demanded, scared by her demeanour.  
"Lily dear, this isn’t the place … there's been an attack." She admitted at the urgency of Lily’s tone. She shook her head quickly   
"On whom?"  
"Lily …"  
"WHO?" she yelled, paling. The teacher didn't flinch.  
"Your parents, dear." McGonagall told her quietly.

 

Lily staggered back, her hand coming up to her mouth as she shook her head. All the oxygen in her body had abandoned her. She was falling.  She couldn't breathe. "Potter, Black get her to my office. We need to keep her safe" McGonagall urged but it was a blur to Lily. She tried to fight as she was bodily lifted and carried from the hall but she wasn't strong enough. She couldn’t breathe.

 

She couldn’t breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever, i hope you enjoyed this chapter and as ever, constructive criticism/ random comments/ kudos/ lovely people are very welcome. 
> 
> See you soon
> 
> \- L


	10. For The love Of Lily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the attack on Lily's parents holds some unexpected yet long awaited consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not update for a little while because things are going to be a bit hectic with exam results/ holiday/ driving test but i'll try and have chapter 11 up before i leave for uni. In the meantime, enjoy.

Slowly Lily regained a vague awareness of herself. Her muscles were tight, each of them contracted and locked into place so that they ached, her teeth were grinding together painfully and her eyes were screwed shut so tightly that colours danced behind her lids, warriors silhouetted against a fire, looming and shifting with jarring motions. Her mouth tasted disgusting too, bitter and metallic, like blood, she realised. She must have bitten her tongue at some point. Hard. Why had she done that? Why was she so locked within herself? Where was she? She tried to stretch beyond herself. Her throat was raw and she realised she was in a foetal position on the floor as she felt the cold, solid surface beneath her. Sounds began to cut though her haze of darkness and mist, vague and blurred, distorted by the brain fog they had to travel through. After a while realised they were voices but they made no sense to her, like she was listening to the radio from another room, only the cadence of the voices touched her, not the meaning.

 

"Lily? Lils, can you hear me? "  
"It's a panic attack, there's nothing you can do…"  
"I'm not leaving her like this!"  
"You're not helping her James!"  
"And what is it to you?"  
"You damn we'll know, why do I have to keep telling you you're not the only one who cares about her?"  
"Prongs, Moony, this is hardly the time."  
"I'm afraid I agree with Mr Black on this occasion, Lily must be the prime concern, for all of us."

 

Everyone turned from Dumbledore as Lily came to, whimpering a little. Sirius moved over to her and picked her up, moving her to the couch nearby as she looked up at them, opening her eyes slowly. It had been too dangerous to put her on it before in case she fell off, now she could be saved the ache of a flagstone floor. "Hey Lily, drink this, it'll help" he said, pushing a hot cup into her hands, she did as Sirius told her, taking a sip of the potion that further relaxed her muscles, leeching some of the pain. She felt so small. They all loomed over her and she could do nothing but comply to Sirius because she believed that the potion might bring her some peace. She couldn't argue, let alone access her mind enough to realise how unusual it was that Sirius was helping her and that it was just as odd that she was accepting his help.  She glanced up at him after taking a sip. He winked, having laced normal tea with mistlayne in an attempt to soothe her, the attack really had been awful to watch; he felt the need to be there for he now. Their differences were reconcilable.

 

"Why was I on the floor?" She croaked. She really wanted to ask what was going on but that was too enormous of a concept to wrap her fogged mind around, much too open ended.    
"It would seem you suffered a panic attack, Miss Evans. I am assured by your friends that this is not a regular occurrence but more than understandable given the circumstances I should think.” A voice came from behind the forest of bodies pressing around her, looming like watchful oaks, like the warriors behind her eyelids. They parted and Lily realised it was the headmaster who had spoken. He was seated at his desk, appraising her over steepled fingers, his eyes for once not twinkling through his half-moon spectacles, but grave. His words made her forge through the brain fog to her memories. The panic attack. The hall. The circumstances. Her parents. Oh Merlin, her parents. They all watched as she drew her legs up, making herself small as she pulled her knees to her chest as her breathing sped up, seemingly exponentially. She felt like she was drowning in air. She had only ever felt like this after the attack on Diagon Alley. A hysterical burst of laughter left her distantly at the memory of her mother force feeding her scalding tea as she sat in their kitchen in Surrey. The brain fog must be receding now. What's wrong with her?" Peter asked fearfully. "I think she's going into shock Remus said. James’ jaw tightened. She was suffering and he was helpless. He hated it.

 

She thought of her mother, of the pink carpet in their hallway at home and how it reflected in the glass of the picture frames when you looked at them from the front door. She thought of how the reflection gave a merry, pink tinge to the greens and yellows of her grandmother's paintings in the frames. now she saw them differently. In her mind's eye the glass of the frames was shattered, the pictures shredded and torn, the remnants blustering around the darkened hall in the gust of wind from the open front door. She saw the carpet singed and smoking. She saw her family atop it, dropped like marionettes without strings, pale, still and glassy eyed. They were staring at her lifelessly. "What happened to them?" she asked when she realised she could speak again. Her voice sounded so small.   
"They survived Lily" the headmaster said gently, giving her a slight smile as her head shot up in disbelief. "The ministry were tipped off in sufficient time to intervene, though it appeared that the Death Eaters were never intending to kill your family. It seems as though your sister wasn’t home and so was spared any trauma." Lily could breathe again. They were alive. They were safe. It was all she could fixate upon, the Death Eater's intentions would puzzle her later. "Where are they, are they safe?" She asked, wincing as her muscles protested when she tried to sit up.  
"They've been moved to a secret, ministry protected location for now."  
"Can I see them, please?" She asked quickly, looking between Dumbledore and McGonagall hopefully.   
"I'm afraid it isn't possible Lily dear" McGonagall answered her gently, face soft as the sudden bloom of hope was sapped from Lily’s face. “Your parents are in total isolation to protect them, only three people know where they are. No contact is allowed with the outside world.”  
“I understand” Lily swallowed, fidgeting with her hands in her lap as she took it in, trying to catalogue her questions and emotions. Now that the fog had almost cleared she wanted a plan, a response. She quickly realised she could only play a waiting game.  “... We also feel that perhaps it would be safer, more prudent even, for everyone if you distanced yourself from them once the protective custody ends ..." The head of house continued hesitantly, interrupting Lily’s internal moment of drawing up battle plans. All the hope in Lily withered and died as she was pulled from the war rooms in her mind. She felt just as cold and sick as she had before, useless.

 

Lily looked at her blankly. So the price of protecting them was not seeing them, perhaps ever again. She vividly remembered the last time she had seen them, how her mother had told her to do what she felt she had to, damn the consequences. Now she had to protect them, damn the consequences. But the consequences were never seeing her family again. Perhaps see could see petunia, but she doubted that her little sister would want to see her, especially now. She had caused their parents to be attacked; her sister would hate her more than ever."I think you're right" she said at last. "The closer I am, the more danger they're in" she took another deep drought of the spiked tea; evidently it only took away the physical pain. "How badly injured were they?" She asked.  
"They were healed quickly, they're just shaken now Lily. The Death Eaters broke in at around three this morning and your parents were treated by four. It seemed like the Death Eaters were delayed in their attack by some strong protective spells around the entire street." Dumbledore gave his twinkling smile but the sly compliment fell on deaf ears. So they had been hurt badly. They were trying to spare her feelings without lying to her, just as she and James had tried to spare Remus’ feelings the day before.  She looked around herself, taking stock of her surroundings. They were in Dumbledore’s study, rather than McGonagall office as she had been expecting. All four boys were there along with both the teachers. She realised they were all looking at her expectantly.

 

She got to her feet, wobbling a little as her muscles initially protested. Peter dashed over, propping her up. She thanked him quietly as she regained control of herself. "Will you keep me updated?" She asked the teachers, they assured her they'd tell her everything they knew and the boys seemed to close ranks around her as they headed for the door with her. Unusually, it seemed to be Peter and Sirius who were helping her the most. Remus looked really ill again, his skin waxy and pale, and James looked grim. "You need some mistlayne? Where's the phial we brought?" She asked, needing a distraction. "I made Pads put it in your tea when McGonagall wasn't looking, I think Dumbledore caught us but he didn't say anything.”  James said with a shrug. She lapsed into silence again.

 

They had wandered all the way back past the main hall, slipping unnoticed back up a few corridors, filtering through the castle when she spotted a dark cloak whipping around the corner in front of them. It could have been anyone. It could have been, but of course, it wasn’t. “ _Him_ ” Lily hissed. The boys converged to stop her but they were too slow. Suddenly she had weaved past the four of them, running around the corner, chasing the anonymous cloak. She rounded the corner and the wearer turned to face her, he must have heard her running up behind him. His dark eyes widened at the sight of her. “Lily … Are you okay? I heard about the hall, I tried to-” He started.

 

"You" she yelled, storming towards Snape, cutting him off. She drew her wand, as if to curse him, throwing it away instead as she reached him. Magic wasn't violent enough for her now. The wand made a skittering noise as it rolled away on the stone floor. She grabbed him, pushing him into a stone wall with al her strength. She took fierce, vindictive pleasure as she heard his head hit the stone with a sickening thud. She didn't care if she knocked him out, he wouldn't escape her so easily. Snape’s eyes unfocused for a moment but he gathered his wits about him quickly, his eyes returning to their bottomless darkness, so sharp at the edges.

 

"You knew. You fucking knew they were going to be attacked! Is that the warning you were trying to give me? Well was it?" She was screaming at him, pinning him to the wall with ease. "If you'd listened to me you'd know" he said, it wasn't snide or hurtful, he was being sincere and it infuriated her. "How did you know?" She demanded fiercely. He hesitated at that. She was going to tear him apart.  
"Lily ..."  
"NO. You don't 'Lily' me. How did you know?" She was getting louder as she spoke, clutching his robes.

  

"Alright, it was asked what we could do to neutralise you, I suggested the attack on your parents ..." He admitted after a long pause, he was looking down. This was the closest she been to him in nearly two years sand it was the realest emotion he'd seen on her in all that time. Usually potter sneered at him from her face but this rage was hers, no one else was even saying anything. The Gryffindor attack dogs just watched on, not even trying to 'protect' her, they were sentinels of her rage.

 

She dropped him, stepping back. James had been closest to her and made the others stop helping her thus far. He was the only one who knew the issues she had with the very concept of Snape due to their conversation the day before. She would do what she had to and James would let her. At Snape’s admission however, James started forward, unsure if she would pass out again. Before he got near her however, Lily's fist connected with Snape’s face. She had stepped back to swing at him.

 

Blood erupted from his nose which gave an oddly satisfying crack and Lily pushed him back to the wall. "You fucking bastard" she screamed in his face. "Why? Why did they deserve it?"  He was looking at her with wide eyes; this was not supposed to happen. "You were becoming a danger" he spat "a threat to the cause. That's why we're still here. Our mission is to make sure no witch or wizard leaves here with the intention of fighting the Dark Lord's cause. The stunt you pulled in DADA marked you as a threat, so do all the other reports we have on you. We had to break you." He said "but don't you see Lily? I protected you as much as I could." He protested as her face darkened. "I had to protect you and obey orders at the same time." He said, trying to touch her face, she flinched away so he continued. "I ordered them not to kill your parents, I told them that killing them would only galvanise you, I knew we just had to harm them enough to scare you. I told them that you hated your sister, that there was no needed to hurt her. I was the one who warned the ministry. I tried to minimise the damage for you." He pled, as though it could possibly assuage his guilt In her eyes. He genuinely believed what was saying. It sickened her.

 

"You disgust me. You gave Death Eaters my address, set them on my family. I didn't think you could take anymore from me, make me hate you anymore. You're dead to me, and I don't even care." she raged. “As for you 'saving' my sister ... I haven't had a sister in seven years, you saw to that when we were eleven. I could have salvaged some kind of civil relationship but no, you were too superior, too disgusted by my family, my heritage, my blood. Now I barely have a family outside those four boys and that's your fault." She screamed, pointing behind her to the four lions.  
"Petunia was inferior! Not just because she was a muggle. She was a vile child, so sulky, so spiteful. I was only as disdainful of her as she was as you. Don't blame me for her hatred. She hated you long before I showed you what you were. Secondly, those dogs aren't your family." He hissed. James was amazed that they were dredging this up, all the raw wounds Lily still carried. He couldn't work out what Snape was hoping to achieve here. Maybe he thought he could immobilise her with anger and escape.

 

"They are more of a family than I've ever known. They are brothers to me more than you ever were, Severus." She said sharply but they both froze. Severus. Sev.   He swallowed.   
"I never wanted to be your brother, Lily" he said gently after a pause, looking down at her. Sirius was half-heartedly restraining James now; truthfully he wanted nothing more than to see James kill him. They all knew that the look on his face only meant ne thing. He leaned in, as though he was genuinely trying to kiss her. They all wanted to hurt him, the image of what Snape wanted was sickening to them all. "Oh really?" She smirked, suddenly driving her knee up into his groin. All four boys behind her inhaled loudly, giving into the genetic sympathy the injury sparked. All members of the double X chromosome club couldn’t help but feel a ghost of a knee to the groin when they watched it happen, no matter how much they loathed the recipient. When she let go of him, Snape dropped to the ground, boneless and moaning as he curled into a ball, bloodied and in pain. "I owe you nothing, you vile shit" she said sweetly. "If you _ever_ so much as think of talking to me again. Don't." She said. The single word was laced with more threat than any of them thought it possible for her to muster.

 

Normally her anger was hot and borne of injured pride and self-defence. This was retribution, tight, controlled, vindictive. James had never seen her like this. It scared him. She was still aflame, but the flames were so cold they burnt those standing to close, blinded those who stared for too long. As he looked at Snape on the floor James realised, loving her was offering yourself up to this, throwing yourself into a vat of liquid nitrogen as her cold tendrils took your breath, froze your mind. He would throw himself in gladly though because in that moment he realised what he had felt for her until now _was_ the obsession of a besotted schoolboy as he had so often denied to his friends. In that moment she became a real person, her vices illuminated before him in a split moment, casting drawn out shadows. He saw her pride, her wrath, her insecurities, vulnerabilities and the ice in her. It was the first time he had considered that she was layered, painted in shades of grey like everyone else, not just brilliant white. And it didn't change a thing. He didn't want to 'fix' her. He didn't believe in that. He wanted to be the one to bring her back to the dawn when she was lost in her darker shades. He loved her more. He reached out slowly, his touch hot and rough on the smooth, pale skin of her hand. She swallowed as James withdrew the hand, having given her her wand back. He was giving her a choice for how she'd continue now. She could hurt Snape seriously or come back to herself. She looked to James like she was waking up, paling when she looked back at Snape on the floor. "I'm done here" She said with a quiet air of finality, managing to retain a hand on her wand as her arm fell limp. Lily was so often the healer of their group, smiling and encouraging, that this side of her made them realise why Snape could see her as a threat. In defence of something she loved or believed in, she moved beyond herself. She could be ruthless.

 

"Come on Lils" Remus murmured, pulling her away gently. She followed his pull, numb now she had done it. All of her anger, as vast as it had been, was gone, leeched from her by Snape. She would have felt disconnected from her body, her reality, if it had not been the quiet faith James had shown in her by returning her wand. She could have killed Snape with it. She had almost wanted to. Almost. Like fire, her anger had taken all of the oxygen as it raged, extinguishing itself, leaving her as a shell. The boys led her back to the empty common room, settling her near the fire. Sirius changed into the great hound, lying by her in front of the fire. "What if someone sees you?" She asked quietly, stroking the thick fur on his head. "Don't worry about that." Remus said gently sitting on the other side of her with the map. Sirius put his head in her lap. They were quiet for a long time.

 

"I should be happy, I should be so grateful that they survived … why do I feel this way?" She sighed "Oh yeah cos it's still my fault" She muttered.  
"No Lils, don't say that." Peter said quietly  
"Why? If I wasn't like this they would be safe at home tonight instead of trapped in a ministry safe house. If I wasn’t like this, Petunia wouldn't hate me. They'd be so happy if I wasn't ... This." She muttered  
"And by 'this' you mean a witch?" James asked. "You'd really give up all that talent? You'd give up all the good and healing that you're capable of, you'd give up every moment you've spent in this world just for an easier ride?" He asked but the implication was clear. Would she trade every moment that was spent in this world with him? If she said yes, then she had lied to him on the platform at the start of the year. It meant she wasn't willing to fight, damn the consequences. She hadn’t lied to him, she was ready. "You're right" she sighed at last. "This whole situation is just weird." When she looked up at him, James was appraising her, she hated it. She fell quiet again for a while. Her mind drifted to Snape. "Do you think I hurt him badly?" She asked later.  
"Who, Snape?"  
"Of course Snape"  
"Trust me, he won’t be strutting about for a while" Peter smiled "but I am a little scared of you now." He teased. She smiled  
"Oh Peter, I would never hurt you." she smiled, opening her arms to him for a hug. Instead he shrank down into his four legged form and scampered over, making her smile as he sat on Padfoot’s head to snuggle closer to her.  "Do you think he'll report me for it?" She asked. "I mean it's the last thing I care about now, school rules and being Head Girl and stuff, but I still don't want the hassle it'll cause." James shook his head.  
"He'd never admit that it was you, he'd lose too much face. He'll blame it on one of us, me most likely." He sighed.  
"You can't take the blame James, it’s too dangerous out there for them to kick you out on your own." She panicked.  
"Sh Lils, its fine, McGonagall wouldn't allow it. In fact, after I tell her what he said she'll be wishing she'd beaten you to him." Lily hesitated but nodded, lapsing into silence once more. “He probably will try and pin it on one of us though, the slimy git. Having our wands taken from us would stop us fighting.” James continued.  
“Do they really do that?” Lily asked. “I thought it was a myth to frighten the first years with.”  
“No it’s true.” Remus added quietly, still thinking of the turn in the fight between the Gryffindor and Slytherin, he hadn’t realised how much pain Snape had really caused her.

 

Something else Snape had said dawned on her now. “Reports? What the hell did he mean when he said he had other reports on me?” She asked. The rat shifted against her and Sirius gave a low growl.   
“They’re probably watching everyone they class as blood traitors or threats. We need to be more vigilant.” Remus assured. James bit his lip.   
“Do you believe the … other thing he said? About how he felt?” He needed to know. She shuddered.   
“If he gave a damn about me he wouldn’t do this to me.” She said with certainty. “How could he ever expect to be with them, believing what he does about supremacy and still care for me? It’s too contradictory.”

 

They spent a long while like that, until some people drew close on the map which was laid out on the couch by Remus, behind James’ head. Sirius finally shook Peter from his snout, crouching to let the rat crawl up onto his back instead as everyone else stood. They all followed the dog and the little rat getting a lift on his high back. He was already a flash of fur up the staircase with Remus behind him as the portrait hole opened at the far side of the dorm, Lily and James not yet having reached the sanctuary it promised. She didn't turn to see who it was until she heard their voices. "Lily?" A tentative voice murmured. Lily froze and swallowed before turning to look at Mary and Alice, eyes just as dead as they had been whilst staring into the fire. "Lily? Are you alright?" Mary asked, rushing over. "It was in _the prophet_ before you came down, then you were there … it was awful"  
"I'm sure it was awful for you" She said blankly. Horror spread over Mary’s face.  
"No Lily, we just, we just needed to say we're sorry. For what happened and what you're going through." Alice intervened. James hesitated beside her. These two genuinely regretted what they'd done to her and had never really wanted to do it in the first place. They loved her and wanted to help her. He could see how the injustice of it still wounded Lily’s pride though. There was a good chance her stubbornness and lack of emotion right now would allow her to turn them away for good.

 

Her face twisted for a moment as she bit her lip. “Thank you” she whispered at last. “It’s okay, everything’s okay but I can’t talk right now. I just can’t. I’m sorry.” She turned away from them, glancing to James as she headed up the stairs. James waited by the other two girls for a moment. “It’s as good as you’re get and frankly, it’s bloody generous considering the pain she’s in. Just give her a few days.” He said, nodding to them before he followed after the others, the pain in his leg starting to blind him. The blessed relief of the mistlayne was up there. So was Lily.

 

The day slowly drifted into night and they lay around the dorm. They whiled away the time alternately sleeping, coaxing Lily to eat and dosing James up with mistlayne. Eventually Lily looked up as she was sitting by James. “Thank you for today.” She whispered gently, squeezing his arm before she sipped off to bed, falling asleep with her back to Remus, facing James. They all fell asleep shortly afterwards, glancing at her worriedly.

 

… 

 

When she woke, Lily felt lethargic, heavy. She was still in a strange place mentally, feeling intensely guilty but knowing she didn't feel as guilty as she should, effectively creating a paradox which her left her spiralling down to feeling like utter shit. She lay still, her eyes closed. She knew the boys wanted to help her but there was little that could be done. After a moment she realised they were talking. She stayed as she was, hoping the sound of voices would lull her to sleep again. She focused on them. "Prongs, this is mad. We can't carry on like this.” Sirius sighed. “We all care about Lily. If you’re gonna get this territorial you need to tell her how you feel. If you don’t we’re gonna argue and she’s gonna be stuck in the middle because none will talk to her for fear of you.”  
“What, so you give a damn about her all of a sudden?” James growled  
“This is exactly what we’re talking about mate. She’s not yours to defend. She doesn’t need defending at all frankly. We all saw yesterday that she’s pretty good at that herself.” Sirius sighed. Lily was frowning in her mind. She knew that she shouldn’t be listening but she couldn’t stop. This was eavesdropping, a dangerous game to play. However it was the only thing that could she could fixate on as much as her guilt. James had fallen quiet, stewing. “Look, I’m sorry. This is stupid. But the way I feel about Lily … it makes me irrational. The uncertainty of it makes me lash out. I just wonder if she has any idea at all. Then this could be settled.”  
“You still … feel the same?” Peter asked quietly.  
“What are you asking Peter?” James sighed, already knowing.  
“Do you love her James?” Remus asked. “Not how I love her, she’s my sister, my friend, like she is to Mary and Alice, or was at least. Do you really love her?” Remus pressed.

 

Lily was frozen into an unnatural stillness, surely noticeable by it. She wasn’t breathing. She wasn’t thinking. She was listening. In the pause that dragged over the dorm. It felt like razors over her skin. She was being hung drawn and quartered, dipped in acid and confusion, drowning in them.

 

“I still love her. Of course I do. I think after yesterday … I think I love her more than I thought I could.” He swallowed, his voice was full of an emotion Lily didn’t understand. It was all she could do not to scream and hyperventilate. The implication of ‘still’ was lost on her. “But you don’t get it.” James continued. “I feel all of this and I can’t say a thing, I can never let down my guard even for a second because she’ll see it and it’ll freak her out and she’ll never talk to me again. I can’t do it.”  
“But if she never knows, what’s to stop her meeting someone else? You head what Snape said to her, you know how many other guys here think the same. What’s to stop them asking her out?” Sirius asked very carefully. James didn’t explode. “Even if she knew she would meet someone else. She thinks that all those years of me asking her out was intended to hurt her, she thought I was a bullying arsehole.” He groaned  
“But James, she didn’t pick up the pieces after she said no, we did. Every time she broke you. You love her. Even if her knowing that never means you’re together … she deserves to know, She deserves to be able to make an informed choice!” Remus argued.

 

“Informed choice my arse, isn’t it obvious that how she feels has changed? The tension between you is killing me” Sirius whined. “Just tell her, for the love of Merlin.” He begged.  
“For the love of Lily …” Peter corrected. There was a dull thud as a cushion hit him in the face  
“What do you suggest? If I tell her she won’t believe me and she’ll hate me for it. I just wish she knew somehow …” James looked stricken and the conversation died, leaving the boys to look between themselves hopelessly. No one had a suggestion. "I'm going for a walk" James muttered, pushing himself to his feet. He kept his eyes down, he couldn't bear the looks they were giving him; it was like he was dying. He felt like he was. The whole atmosphere of the room was tense, claustrophobic. He had to escape. He gave a last fleeting glance to Lily, knowing something wasn't right but dragging himself away.

 

 Lily heard him leave.

 

 It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. As she felt her panic rise up, her mind suddenly closed off, as though sealing itself off from what had been said around her, she was putting herself under mental quarantine. Autopilot kicked in. After a few minutes she yawned loudly, scrubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand as she pushed herself into a sitting position. The three boys jumped like they'd forgotten she was there. She pretended not to notice. "What time is it?" She asked, voice creaking. "Half ten, but don't worry, we got an owl from McGonagall, you're not to go to lessons this week, she feels it would be best." He said, to which she gave the retort she usually would.  
"She also thinks me disowning my family would be best, I need to show people that it didn't work, I need to show them that I'm fine."  
"But you're not fine Lily …"  
"You look like hell" Sirius chipped in. Lily sent a chilling glance to him. "Sorry, of course you're not taking this easily, how could you?" He muttered repentantly. She nodded forgivingly.  
"I didn't have any classes today anyway, it is Monday right?" Peter nodded in response, keen to affirm anything at all.

  

She got to her feet. She went to the bathroom to change. She ate some of the food Peter brought to the room. She gave them weak smiles. The emotional embargo persisted. Eventually it became too heavy, it felt like it was pushing her into the floor, compressing her spine. “Excuse me.” She said eventually. She stood. She left. She found herself standing in the common room with a pile of books in her arms. They were heavy. She put them down on the arm of a chair. Everything felt this robotic.

 

She didn’t know where she had been expecting to run to. Out of desperation she looked to the broom cupboard, suddenly realising there were other people in the common room. It was busier than she had seen it all year. A group of fifth year girls were making up divination essays in the corner during their free period, two first years were sitting in front of her cupboard, skipping class and arguing. Mary and Alice were sitting on the bottom step of the girl’s staircase. There were just people, all living and making noise around her. She was floating through them unnoticed, she was a ghost. She crumpled into the chair, pulling a book into her lap. Advanced DADA.  She opened it. Then she unsealed her mind from its forced hibernation.

 

She tried to process this logically, like she was organising the data from a quadratic equation. When James had asked her out when they were younger, she had seen it as constant and relentless bullying. It had made her doubt everything; she had developed a serious confidence issue from it. After all, the joke must have only been funny if the reality was that there was nothing worth liking in her. But he hadn’t been trying to hurt her, She’d hurt him, broke him according to Remus. That meant he felt strongly. That was an undisputable fact now, borne from logic. She swallowed, barely keeping her own emotions at bay as she glared at the pages of the book she was pretending to read, knuckles whitening as she gripped the hard cover. She needed more evidence though, more proof that he felt anything. If she let herself believe it now and it turned out to be fake, a big set up. It would kill her. She pored over the memories of the time they’d spent together this year, startled as she realised it had only been a few months. It was like living on dog years in this castle, student years. He had found her on the broom. He wanted her and her alone by his bedside when he thought he was dying. He had limped from the forest because she was there. He had defended her when Snape attacked her at the start of the year. He had shared his secrets with her, all of them. She remembered them dancing. She let that memory play, hearing ‘ _don’t fear the reaper’_ playing in her mind, feeing the warmth from him, how gentle he was. She swallowed hard, pulling herself from the memory. She scrubbed a tear from her cheek roughly. They had almost talked about this when he found her playing quidditch. He had seen the truth of it, the longing in his eyes. She had seen that a lot recently. He didn’t know she caught him doing it though. She always shrugged it off rather than make an argument out of it. She remembered James soothing her and getting her things after the girls had dumped her, despite him being weak. He was always there, helping and showing her things. The countless hours they had spent in meetings with teachers and prefects and patrolling halls, in classes, the stolen conversations in the library and murmurs during the night as the others slept. All the jokes and the smiles, the too close moments where something hung in the air and Lily had pulled away or they’d been interrupted. There were more tears now, she pushed them away quickly. Nobody was looking at her.

 

The memory of dancing with him surfaced again and this time she clung to it, letting the emotions of it take her. She thought of any other evidence while she relived it, like reading while listening to the tv. The strained conversation with Sirius by the hospital wing stuck out most. Mrs. Potter’s reaction to her. Remus’ careful distance. It all pointed to James feeling for her. She had been a bitch to him. She’d hurt him so much and he still wanted her after it all, even after he’d watched her beat the crap out of Snape yesterday.

 

Oh Merlin she couldn’t deny it now.

 

She had been so scared every time he hurt himself, so desperate to save him, protect him. Those times alone showed the depth of her feeling for him. When she thought something from the forest was going to kill her, all she wanted was him to swoop in at the last moment like he always did. He made it safe, he always protected her. Even now all she wanted was him to crouch in front of her chair with his gentle smile and a ‘what’s up Lilyflower?’ She swallowed. She couldn’t tell him though. She couldn’t tell him she trusted him completely now, that she understood and she needed that stupid smile. She couldn’t admit she’d been wrong. She didn’t know how to make herself that vulnerable to him.

 

“Lily?” A voice said, concern seeping into every letter.  
“James?” She gasped, turning “Remus, sorry” She said. She closed her eyes, hating herself. She felt so weak. “You’re crying Lily” He said quietly. Peter and Sirius weren’t there yet, it was just them.  
“I know” She said quietly.  
“Is this about your family Lils?” He asked, instantly adding guilt to the plethora of emotions hurricaning through her.  
“It should be, shouldn’t it?” She gave a humourless laugh.  
“Then what Lils? You can tell me, you know all my problems now, maybe I can help with yours.” He said. Always the big brother. He was behind her armchair, she was kneeling up, resting on the back of the chair to face him. “It’s … James” She whispered, looking at the pattern of the golden thread in the chair. When she looked up Remus gave her a slight smile.   
“You heard, huh?” He asked, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. She nodded and Remus pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s alright, it’s okay. I promise. He’ll be back before long. You can sort everything.” She shook her head.   
“How stupid is it, I’m scared …” He pulled back, wiping her face with his sleeve. He opened his mouth to say something else but his eyes widened and he pulled Lily over the back of the chair, bringing both of them to the ground. Lily looked up at him in confusion. She was answered as half of the common room exploded.

 

When she looked up over the edge of the chair, the common room was in utter chaos. Furniture was upturned; there were gouges of stone missing from the walls. “Sirius Black!” Lily yelled as she stood up. She checked Remus was alright, noticing that a mop had impaled itself deeply in the back of the arm chair where she had been leaning a few moments before. “Sirius Black” She called again. “What in the name of Merlin did you do?” She yelled.  He was stumbling about with his arm thrown over his face, above his eyes like some poor imitation of a lament. “Lily, Lils, Lilyflower” He said. She bit her lip, she’d been too fixated on James using that stupid nickname with her; she hadn’t expected the others to use it. It sounded different from him. “Lils you need to fix my face, please.” He whimpered.   
“Why? What’s wrong?” She frowned. He glanced around nervously to check that no one was looking and reluctantly removed his arm from his forehead to show her. Lily started to laugh. She laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. She felt like crap yet she felt elated. The common room was in tatters and yet here was Sirius Black, the master of style and arrogance, with no eyebrows. “Lily stop it. You need to fix it! I’m taking a girl to Hogsmede on Sunday. I have the rest of my life to deal with”  
“Is your hair on fire?” She asked politely through the receding giggles. He whimpered, swatting at his head. “You know I don’t think there’s a spell for this, you’ll be like this forever.” She needled him.   
“Lily please?” He begged, beyond desperate. She smiled and opened the healing book she’d brought down with her. She had a final chuckle at the spoke spiralling from his hair before she took pity, restoring his eyebrows with a sharp (Much more forceful than was strictly necessary) tap of her wand between is eyebrows. There was a muffled pop and he crowed happily as he touched his eyebrows, now fully restored.

 

“I’ll never take them for granted again.”  
“Sirius?”  
“Thank you lily, thank you”  
“Sirius?”  
“We can be best friends now I swear.”  
“Sirius?”  
“I’d kiss you but it’d be weird”  
“PADFOOT?” She bellowed. He stopped stroking his eyebrows and looked at her in confusion. “How did you break the common room?” She asked.   
“Oh, that. There were these two first years by the cupboard and they were arguing about how you’d go about blowing up a structure like a cupboard, they were both brought up in the wizarding world but the littler boy was trying to explain muggle demolition equipment so I kinda went over and blew it up for them.” He grinned.  
“Where are they Sirius?” She asked  
“Who?”  
“The two boys. Are they hurt?”  
“Oh … I probably should have checked that first, huh?”  
“You absolute ARSE, Sirius! You let me fix your hair before checking on those boys. Your vanity will get one of us killed one day.” She yelled, hitting his chin with her wand before she turned away from him. He whimpered as a long beard started to protrude from his angular face but she was already navigating her way through debris, getting closer to the epicentre.

 

She found the two boys slowly disentangling themselves from the wreckage around them. “Hey, hang on.” Lily said, crouching in front of them. “It’s Fabian, right? And Gideon?” Both boys nodded. They were the twin brothers in first year; they were also Sirius’ fan group. She scanned them over. A layer of dust coated their faces, making them look considerably paler than they should be. “Come on, I’ll fix you up, okay?” She smiled. She stood, clearing a pathway from where they stood to a nearby window seat. She pocketed her wand, wedging ‘ _first steps to healing at home_ ’ by Dilys Derwent under her arm. She took a hand of each of the twins, leading them to the window seat and sitting them on it. After a few minutes of intense spellwork they seemed to have more colour and their cuts were healed, bruises already looking a few days old. Then she turned her attention to Sirius again. She watched as Sirius and Remus stood back to back, waving their wands in a long, smooth motion. The debris trembled before suddenly lurching into the air. As she watched chunks of wall sealed themselves back, seamlessly becoming park of the rock again. Chairs were reunited with their legs and a tapestry rewove its self. “Hey Black.” She called when the room looked perfectly ramshackle, as it usually did. “Nice beard” She said when Sirius turned to face her. His outrage soon turned to fear as he looked at her. “ _Expecto Patronum_ ” She yelled, sending the doe chasing after him. His eyes widened and he lurched for the portrait hole. He stumbled as the doe leapt through his back, dissipating as it burst from his chest and out into the corridor, He didn’t stop running.

 

She smirked after him before turning back to the twins. “Now” She said in a mock-stern tone. “No more blowing up storage facilities please or I’ll have to report it.” She winked. “Don’t listen to Sirius Black either.” She said. She dismissed them fondly by telling them that the next period would be starting soon, she told them if they were late she’d have to report that too. The smaller of the twins, Fabian, hung back for a moment and Lily smiled “You don’t want to be late.” She said. “I just wanted to say … Thanks for fixing us up Evans, I promise we won’t stand that close to an explosion again.” She laughed and waved him off.

 

The air was still thick with smoke and dust so Lily opened the newly repaired window and sat heavily on the window seat. Remus and Peter waved as they left. It was time for their first lesson of the week, ancient runes. She closed her eyes, listening as the group of fifth year girls gathered their belongings and left. “I bet not even old Clearwater could predict that.”  
“Maybe _that’s_ what Jupiter in the twelfth house signified.”  
“I said it meant I would fail my potions essay.”  
“You don’t need a planet to tell you that, Sluggy usually fulfils that role.” The few voices lost volume as the girls walked away, eventually silenced as the portrait hole creaked closed. Mary and Alice must have left too as the room was silent, empty. She let ‘ _first steps to healing at home’_ slip from where she had it cradled on her lap. The gentle thud as it hit the rug seemed loud in the room. She kept her eyes shut, inhaling the tendrils of fresh air from the open window above her, feeling the winter sun filter through the warped glass onto her face.

 

“Lilyflower?” A gentle voice murmured. She jumped, her eyes opening quickly  
“James?”  She said, looking to him. It felt much too soon to be seeing him but she felt a smile spreading over her face without her permission. He smiled back at her.  
 “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He said, slowly walking closer, he scooped her book up and examined it, glancing back at the pile by her chair.   
“Where did you go?” She asked, pulling her legs under her to make some room for him on the window seat. He didn’t sit by her, instead he lay the book down in his stead, running his hand over the cover and tapping it thoughtfully. “You know about the room of requirement, right?” He asked, to which she nodded in return. “I go there when I need to clear my head.” He said.  
“What does it change into?” She asked tentatively, not needing to ask what he had been clearing his head of. “A clearing, like in a forest. It’s strange. You know you’re in the castle but everything tells you you’re not. There’s wind and trees, grass and you can smell flowers, hear animals. You can only see the door when you want to leave. It helps you figure out what’s important and what doesn’t really matter.” He said, leaning against the wall. She looked down, nodding. There was a short pause.

 

“Why a patronus?” He asked. She looked up, clearly confused. “Why shoot a patronus at Pads rather than a hex”  
“Oh” She understood. “After yesterday it kind of disgusts me to think of hurting anyone, I gave him the beard and used the patronus to scare him. Now he’ll be seeing that as a warning. He’s waiting for the hex that he doesn’t know I won’t cast. I hope the suspense makes him regret what he did…” She said with a small smile.   
“Nice” He commented.  
“It’s the kind of kind and loving person I am” She said dryly. He smiled at that, unable to stop thinking of her patronus, about what it meant. Did it mean anything? Maybe he was clutching at straws, trying to find symbolism to support him. She seemed different this morning. She was probably still worrying. James sighed quietly.

 

 A comfortable silence followed as he picked up the book and sat, flicking through the pages. “Healing.” He said.  
“Astute.” She shot back; a very slight smile on her lips as James gave a small laugh.   
“So, you’re researching healing, very advanced DADA, antidotes to poisons and potions and protective charms” He said.   
“You’ve been watching?” She asked.  
“Since the start of the year.” He nodded. They both knew he meant since the talk on the platform.  
“Why?” she asked quietly.  
“I needed to know if you meant what you said about fighting against _him_ when we left. It seems obvious that you’re arming yourself with some very advanced magic.”  
“I’m going to fight, James.” She said, foreseeing his question before he posed it.  
“Despite what they’ll do if they catch you?”  
“We spoke about this on platform 9 ¾, I’d rather go down fighting than play hide and seek with the Death Eaters.” She sighed. He winced.  
“It hurts to think of you like that though Lily, to accept the danger you’ll put yourself in. When you were having that panic attack … you were suffering and I couldn’t stop it. It was killing me.” He said, voice breaking oddly as he spoke. “I never want to see you that distressed again if I can help it.” She sighed, inspecting him.  
“You know something I don’t” She realised

 

He nodded, of course she would see that in him “While you were having your attack you kind of, became unconscious for a really long time and Dumbledore told us something, He asked me to tell you when the moment was right. But I don’t want to. If I do it’ll be my fault when you get hurt or killed.”  
“Please James, I deserve to know.” She implored. He hesitated.  
“Dumbledore knows that He-who …. That Voldemort is gaining strength, growing his numbers, he thinks that if there’s no organised resistance to help the Aurors that Voldemort will have enough power to plant puppets in the ministry.”  
“So he’s forming a group?” She asked  
“An order, the order of the phoenix. We’ll be outnumbered and it’ll be dangerous and we’ll probably lose but, hey. We’re not going down without a fight.” He quoted her with a small smile.  
“Would we be under ministry control?” She frowned  
“No, Dumbledore was very clear on that. The Ministry won’t even know about us. We have to be invisible, just a shadow or else they’ll infiltrate us too. If the ministry falls we can’t go with it.” He assured  
“Who else is part of the order?” She asked  
“I er … I don’t know. Until we’re initiated they won’t tell us. That way we can’t give anything away later if the Death Eaters come calling.” He said. “But if this is Dumbledore’s idea we can be sure he’ll invite some powerful and reliable people.”   
“Then why invite a group of kids?” James looked away, he hadn’t considered that. “We’re not that good James.”  
“I know. He wants to train us over the rest of the year, to ready us, to weaponise us.” He said. “And you’re invited Lils. The lot of us are.”  
“Then I’m joining up, James.”

 

Pain and resignation crossed his face but he nodded, he knew that would be her answer. “I’m so sorry James, I’ve hurt you again. I always hurt you” She sighed quietly.  
“I’m scared Lily, so damn scared. I want to fight and I will but it’s so much to face. It’s so lonely and there’ll be so much guilt. It’s not like world war one where we all sing on our way to the trenches, we know that this war won’t be won by Christmas.” He sighed. She swallowed and took his hand. He jumped a little, looking down as she intertwined their fingers.   
“I’m scared too, but we don’t have to be alone. We have each other.” She whispered, noticing how his eyes were filling. He swallowed.   
“I need you to know that I understand how things are between us” He said suddenly “I accept it.” He said, squeezing her hand and releasing it, he stood and paced slowly in front of her as she looked at him, nonplussed. “I was ill and you were helping me, because you’re my friend. But I took advantage of that. I took advantage of you and I swear it’ll stop. You can distance yourself from me. That way it’ll be easier for everyone when … you know. The time comes.” She looked up at him. Her confusion turned to anger as she jumped up too. “Are you trying to be noble, you lying git?” She demanded. His eyes widened and he took a step back from her. “I’m willing to die but I fully intend to come out of the other side of this war, dragging you along if you won’t hope enough to walk by my side.” She fumed.

 

“I want to fight by you.” She said meaningfully, hoping he would hear her meaning.  
“I don’t understand” He said, seeing in her eyes that she was fighting to tell him something. She swallowed; this was it. “I was awake. Were you telling the truth, is that really how you feel?”  
“What?” He frowned, eyes widening as he understood. She had been too still this morning while he’d admitted what he felt for her. She must have heard every word he’d said. So what was she saying to him? “Of course I was telling the truth.” He sighed. “Of course I love you Lily. I always bloody well have. But this year, being your friend too. I won’t risk that friendship. If it means we can keep this friendship going I’ll never talk about it again. I’m sorry.”  
“You bloody idiot, aren’t you listening to me?” She asked, taking another step forward. He didn’t step back. “We don’t have to face this alone.” She said gently, taking his hand again. “I want us to fight this side by side. I want us to survive. I want to be with you on this. With you in everything. I  … I love you too, Potter.” She admitted, cheeks burning but she held his gaze as the meaning fell over him. Her determination outweighing her pride and her fear of rejection.

 

A moment later and he grinned, face awestruck. “Can I?”   
“Please do.” She smiled.  
"So ... Evans, fancy coming to Hogsmede with me?” He beamed. (He really did beam, he was radiant, radiating the light of the sun in that smile)   
“You know what Potter? I think I will.” She grinned. It was like she had never denied him, like they’d never hurt each other. \from the darkness of their conversation, giddy sense of amusement and hope filled them. As if this scene could get any better to James, Lily did something he hadn’t dared to even include in his daydreams of how this might one day unfold. She stood up on her tip toes, smirking as she wound an arm around his neck and ever so gently kissed him, like she would frighten him away if she weren’t so tender.

 

James was internally combusting, this couldn’t be really happening. He was asleep. He was dreaming. But then her arm tightened around his neck and he fell into the kiss, carefully wrapping an arm around her waist, his eyes sliding shut. When Lily pulled back, (Once James had decided it was actually happening he also decided under no circumstances would he break that kiss) she smiled up at James and glanced out of the window. “First snow.” She said quietly, her eyes gentle as she watched the first snowflakes of the year falling from the sky in slow flurries. “Abut time too.” He smiled, hugging her close and resting his chin on her fiery hair as he watched the world turn white. Up in that tower, staring out of that tiny window, they were the only two people in the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that then? I was very excited about finally getting to write it. My OTP finally together. Do you think I did the scene justice?
> 
> Let me know
> 
> \- L


	11. Of Stars, Snow and sleeping Arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas outside of Hogwarts isn't always fun and games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably update this chapter in a few weeks, i just wanted to post something before uni madness kicked in
> 
> \- L

~ For Bethan, who taught me to love the stars and the still of the night ~

 

"OI OI EVANS!" The call reached her and she sighed, bracing herself for the eruption of cheers that had come to echo the call in recent days. This had been almost constant since the Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw game two days earlier. It had been spectacular. Ravenclaw had put up a real fight and it had been a close run match, but Lily had scored just as James caught the snitch, which had apparently been a real crowd pleaser, aesthetically speaking. In fact Lily had scored quite a lot, Ravenclaw were battling to keep up. Since then, the populous of the school had heralded her approach with a cry of 'Oi oi Evans' which usually elicited a roar from the surrounding members of the cohort. She had become somewhat of a school focal point since the game. Whilst she didn't appreciate the wording of the call that now haunted her, their acceptance and enthusiasm stunned her. They loved that she played. They saw her as playing because of her skill rather than her relationship with James. But of course, that relationship wasn't common knowledge just yet. The shouts even stalked her to the platform and the end of term. She turned and smiled to the boy who'd started this round of celebrations. "Oi oi Burrows" She called back. Another cheer went up and she laughed, swatting James on the arm as he gave her the puppy dog eyes. "You're getting better than 'oi oi Potter' already" She said with a small smile.  He grinned, somewhat appeased and subtly offered her his hand as he hopped onto the shining scarlet steam engine. She accepted his help onto the train, wandering along to find a compartment.

 

"Hey Lils?" James said, touching her elbow to make her pause. She swallowed, butterflies at this was really unnecessary.  
"Yeah?" She asked gently, turning to face him.  He pointed to a sign on a carriage door. 'To the head team and company, with special regards and congratulations, A.P.W.B Dumbledore'. Sirius was tumbling along the train after them, frowning as he read the sign. "Hey, we've won loads of games before, how come we never got our own reserved compartment?"  
“I don't think it's because of the game Pads." James frowned. He slid the carriage door open slowly, peering inside. Their luggage was already waiting for them in the racks, as were their owls, caged and dozing.  
"What is it about then?" Lily asked, slipping into the carriage as Remus and Peter caught up to them. They followed her in; they were starting to cause a blockage in the corridor, leaving younger students muttering in irritation at the delay. The door slid shut gently behind them. There was a small table beneath the window, laden with what looked like half of the candy trolley, a pile of daily prophets and a round of steaming hot chocolates. "Look, there's a letter" Peter said. James spotted it and glanced at the front. It was addressed to Messrs James Potter. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and Miss Lily Evans (But mostly Lily and James). James read it out and Lily laughed, taking a seat by the window.

“It says 'To the aforementioned cohort (do forgive me I don't mention all five of you individually by name, writing it out once proved to be most tiring in itself) I hope you find this carriage to your liking, please consider it as a gift to help you celebrate the happy announcement you have yet to make to the Hogwarts populous at large. Regards A.P.W.B. Dumbledore. P.S. I do hope it's a rather public announcement, we could use a little cheer these days.' wow …"

 

"So this is a bribe to make big deal out of you two making an official announcement?" Sirius grinned.  
"What announcement?" Peter asked, looking uneasy.  
"Wormy, you utter dolt, the announcement that they're dating." Sirius sighed. Peter bushed, mumbling an apology. They all took their seats apart from James,  
"You're all really okay with the whole bribery for a poster couple thing?" He demanded.  
"Well … yeah. You'd have to announce it sooner or later and you said you wanted it to be big so why not?"  
"Oh you wanted it to be big?" Lily said, looking from Sirius to James. "Do I get a say?" She asked, eyebrows raised expectantly.  
"Of course love."  He answered quickly, the boys smirked at the pet name.  
"Sit down and take the bribe James, I want the biggest dating announcement known to man. We've signed up to help Dumbledore however we can, morale should be easy … Plus once everyone knows I'll let you hold my hand in the corridors." She said with a smile.  
"And kiss?" he tried to barter.  
"I'll think about it" She teased.  
"Ah such romance." Sirius beamed.  
"Young love at its finest." Remus chimed in, winking at Sirius. Both James and Remus were back in their usual health and fitness since the happenings of the last full moon, some had noted James even had a spring in his step for the last week or so of term.

 

He sighed and sank into the seat beside her, picking up a mug of hot chocolate as he put his other arm around her. Even the ability to do that felt amazing, her snuggling into his side, gently cradling her own drink, made his head spin. "If you two are going to be remotely close in public, he'll pass out." Sirius noted. She laughed quietly but she was blushing, wondering who would be first to hit the floor when they didn't have an excuse to keep a careful distance from each other.

 

A short while after the train had lurched to life, Lily looked up from her drink. "Are you sure I can stay with you James? It feels like a huge imposition." She sighed, looking up at him. The air was bitingly cold, even in the carriage. He rolled his eyes and pulled her closer. "We’ve been over this a hundred times Lils. You can’t go home. Even if you think you won't be in danger there, you can't spend Christmas alone." He sighed. She bit her lip hesitantly.  
"Listen Lily" Remus cut in gently. "If you’re worried about Mrs. P, don't be. She loves having a full house at Christmas, We'll all be staying there on and off over the holidays too." He said gently, picking up the rest of the cups and handing them out. "Really?" She asked gently.  
"Of course. And she'll be especially thrilled that I asked you to come. She loves you." He smiled. Lily must have looked stunned as Sirius joined in too. "Yeah, you should hear how she writes about you in the letters she sends us."  
"She thinks you’re perfect." Peter said.  
"She is perfect" James frowned, throwing a chocolate frog at hm. She blushed deeply again, hiding her face in his shoulder.

 

"Thank you.." She murmured a few moments later, looking out of the window as they rolled past Hogsmede "For letting me stay with you that is." She added. She had been dreading having to go home and spend two weeks in that empty shell of a house on her own. She wondered if they had put up the decorations before they had been attacked. James must have noticed her sadden as he subtly tightened his arm around her, rubbing her shoulder. She smiled up at him, kicking her shoes off and settling in for the journey. Remus picked up a prophet, reading them choice quotes every now and then. It became too blinding to watch out of the windows, everything was covered in snow so she was forced back into the conversation around her rather than falling into the trap of thinking of her parents. She was glad of the distraction, if she succumbed to the thoughts they’d have a hold on he like devil’s snare. The more violently she tried to escape the tendrils of thought, the more they tightened around her, suffocating until she was blinded by everything but the brambles and thorns of her guilt.

 

To Lily’s surprise, Mrs. Potter did not greet them at Kings Cross after the long journey as she had expected. Instead the five of them were going to apperate from Platform 9 ¾ to his house. Nobody explained why but Lily got the strong feeling it was a matter of security which had been arranged without her. They released their owls, letting them fly to James’ rather than drag them through apperation. James suddenly grabbed Lily’s cases as well as his own and before she could stop him he smirked and twisted, disapperating with her things. “I can bloody manage James.” She muttered to where he had just been. “Shall we follow him so you can argue with him and not thin air?” Remus asked with a tentative smile in his voice. He offered her his arm like a true gent and, with a sigh, she accepted it. She was grateful for his help but she hated side along apperation. But it couldn’t be helped that she didn’t know where he lived. She closed her eyes, letting herself follow Remus’ pull, letting herself be thrown into the suffocating brace of disapperation with absolutely no control.

 

Remus brought her back to the air. They actually apperated somewhat gracefully in a lane of well-worn dirt, bordered on each side by hedges that must be magnificent in the summer. Through the bare branches she could see fields buried in white. “It’s behind you.” Remus whispered conspiratorially. She laughed and turned to face the house and her eyes widened at the sight. What a house it was.”

 

The house was amazing. There was simply no other word for it. It stood half a mile from a small, quaint village in the country. It's fronting looked Jacobean but it stood solidly at three floors high in its own and. This had been a house of a lord at one time or another. Lily hesitated as they apperated outside of the gates but the others just kept walking until she was certain they'd stop at the last moment, instead they passed through the wrought iron as though it were an illusion made of smoke and mirrors, their cases coasting through borne aloft by levitation charms in their wake. She supposed se shouldn't be surprised, it was just like the entrance to platform 9 3/4. Remus paused and turned to see her outside the gates on her own. With a small smile he summoned her trunk so she was forced to approach the cats. She reached out to touch it. Met with the strange ghostlike feeling that the gates both were there and weren't. She closed her eyes and stepped forwards. When she opened her eyes she was by Remus, looking back at the very real gates. "Mrs. P must have been expecting you." He smiled, leading her to the house.

 

They entered through a large, circular lobby with a polished wooden floor. A staircase rose up, flanked by solid, sweeping oak banisters . Everything was beautiful. The boys were stacking the luggage up on one side of the rom as Lily looked around in awe, eventually realising hers had been added to the pile and she and James were alone in the hall. Alone for the first time they had kissed. They had only ever stolen fleeting moments in an empty hallway or secret passage, they were never alone. . "This house is beautiful James" she smiled, feeling nervous she added. "Are you rich?" She cringed at her tone. It was valiantly trying valiantly to be casual but never reaching it.  
"Yeah, I guess so." He said simply. They were standing in his home, there wasn’t a lot he could do to deny it.  
"Right …" She nodded, acutely aware of the distance between them.  
“Is that gonna be a problem Lils?" He asked, confused by the conversation.  
"No, of course not."  
"Merlin, you do have a problem with it!" He realised

 

The others had popped their heads back into the hall to watch. "Don't be so snobbish Lily …" Sirius said with smirk, Remus added "Objecting to poor Mr. Potter because of his wealth."  
"I'm not!" She protested, getting frustrated.  
"Then what's the problem?" James asked, exasperated.  
"It's just a lot to take in." Se blushed "I'm bloody lad I didn't take you to my house …" Whilst Lily's family had never struggled to get by, they were hardly comfortable. The kind of subtle opulence almost seemed too much in comparison. "Is that what this is about?" He softened, shooting the others a look to make them leave. "Lily, you know I couldn't care less how well of people are." He said, approaching her.  
"Is that why you didn't tell me?"  
"If I had would it have changed anything between us?" he asked her.  
"No but - "  
"Then there was no need to tell you"

 

"If it really matters, we're an old family with old money, Dad was a highly paid Auror and mum designs robes for famous witches and wizards." In truth he had always been scared of her reacting like this to his money, He didn't want her to see him as a spoilt pure blood brat. “It doesn’t  matter, of course it doesn’t.” She whispered. James softened, seeing how upset she was.

“Oh Lils.” He sighed, stepping towards her but she shook her head tightly, looking away as all three boys and Mrs Potter emerged from the other room. “Lily love!” The older woman crowed, taking Lily by surprise as she rushed over and swept her into  hug. “Nice to see you too mum.” James sighed, running his hand through his hair but the discomfort of the situation was lost on his mother as she fussed around them all.

 

"Right boys, I know you'll all end up on James' floor but I've made you up a room each anyway. Sirius, you know where you are, show Remus to the room next to yours? Good lad And Peter you're at the top of the staircase, first on the left" Mrs. Potter fussed over them and Lily watched with a small smile. So that was how you controlled all four of the boys; planning. She was impressed.   
"And where can I show Lily to?" Sirius asked.  
"Other than the gutter?" Lily cut in with faux surprise. He laughed sarcastically, levitating everyone's cases but James'. "Mrs. P?" he asked.  
"I'm sure James knows the way." She answered him. James frowned slightly  
"Almost certainly mum, but it'd help if I knew the destination…"

"Oh James love, I'm not under any illusions about the leaping arrangements at Hogwarts. She can stay with you. There’s no point in pretending." Lily' eyes widened in horror as she understood, choking on her tea and Sirius dropped half the cases as  mirth over took him. James had started chanting 'oh Merlin, oh Merlin, oh <merlin' under his berth, a blush creeping up his face where it was not hidden under his hands. Remus smirked knowingly as he levitated the dropped cases again, all except James' and now Lily's. Peter was looking between them all, torn between their reactions.

 

"Sorry … are mums not supposed to know that kind of things?" She asked, at the reaction.  
"Mum, we're not.." James started. Lily had recovered from a tea induced coughing fit and carried on  
"Well we are together but … it's only been about a week." She said, hoping the witch would understand.  
"I'm not judging dear, he's been tiptoeing around you for so long the timing of things can go as fast as it likes." She smiled. "Mum!" James groaned  
"No, um. What we mean is that I um, don't sleep with James." she blushed deeper at how it sounded. "Like in the same bed. Oh Merlin I'm making it worse."  
"Can I explain?" Remus asked calmly. Lily nodded thankfully but Sirius whined.  
"No this is a car crash, it's beautiful."

 

"What Lily and James  mean is that they've been in a secret relationship for a week so they've barely realised that they're together, let alone decided they were ready to share a bed." He explained, Mrs. Potter hesitated.  
"But Sirius said she sleeps in your dorm."  
"In her own bed." James added.  
"Oh…" She said, realising her mistake. "I'll go make up another room."  
"No, Mrs. Potter, it's fine, really." Lily said quickly. James span to look at her in shock.  
"Is it?" He asked  
"Isn't it?" she frowned  
"I suppose it is." He said dazedly  
"I suppose so too." she said.  
"Follow me then." He said. It was like they were daring each other, seeing who would bluff first. He other just watched on, bemused. James levitated the cases and turned towards the staircase. The others seemed to remember they all had somewhere to go and Sirius led them quickly up the stairs, dropping them off at their rooms.

 

The house was as beautiful inside as outside and Lily began  to wonder if James did know where they were going they had been wandering along in silence for so long. "We don't have to do this you know Lils? All the lads will be dragging mattresses up and kipping on the floor, I'll find one and you can take the bed." He said suddenly as he stopped at what seemed to be a dead end.  
"James. If it's okay with you I'd like to do this.  We’ve barely had a moment alone together since the common room.” She said gently. Somewhat relieved, he nodded and raised his wand. Lil looked up to see a small hatch up in the ceiling. As she watched it opened and sturdy ladders slid down diagonally, like the type people used in Flourish and Blotts to reach the top self.

 

“After you.” He smiled. She smiled tentatively and climbed the ladders up into what she realised was the attic. It was the length and breadth of the house with plenty of head height and shiny wooden floors. She blushed as her eyes skipped past the rest of the room, focusing on the bed. It was a large wooden frame with curves and detail designed into it. It was also vast. James appeared up the ladder after her so she pulled herself together. “This really is beautiful” She said, noticing how most of the ceiling was  punctuated with skylights and big rugs were dotted about the floor, it felt like the common room. “Yeah, I did okay wit the room choice.” He grinned, putting the trunks at the foot of the bed.

 

“So what happens for the rest of the holiday?” She asked.  
“Well I do seem to remember some traditions along the lines of ‘eat, drink and be merry…’” He said thoughtfully, teasing her.  
“Oh really?” She asked in fake wonder. He nodded sagely.  
“It’s also said that you have to kiss your secret girlfriend at every possible opportunity or else grave misfortune will befall you.”  
“well we can’t have that.” She nodded, walking over to him slowly.

 

It was a whole seven minutes until they were interrupted by a very excitable dog that was much too big to me jumping on them like that. Lily wrestled Sirius into sitting and turned to James. “But there is something I’d like to do before we go back.” She said, giving him a moment to remember the conversation.  
“Anything.” James nodded.  
“I want to go home, see the damage for myself.”

 

They argued for a lot longer than seven minutes.

 

Sirius turned tail and fled back to Remus.

 

That night the lay as far from each other as the bed would allow, leaving quite a considerable void between them, backs turned to each other. “Are you mad at me?” Lily whispered eventually. She knew he was awake, his breathing was tight. He gave a low sigh “No Lils, are you mad at me?”  
“no.” There was a slight pause. “Then why are we lying like this?” She asked, a small smile in her voice as she turned to peek at him in the half light. “Are you scared of me?”  
“No.” he smiled, it was like she was daring him “Although I would have a right to be.”  
“Yeah you would.” She murmured, leaning closer to the middle. He turned to face her, cautiously winding an arm around her but it felt awkward. The were hyperaware of each other in the bed. It was odd, they had lounged on the beds at school so easily but this seemed different. They were too self aware, focused on every move. Did it mean something if his breathing faltered slightly? Was she uncomfortable with how many points of contact there were between them  when she glanced away? Everything seemed symbolic in that bed. “This isn’t too comfy.” He said after a moment. She smiled and rolled over again, guiding his arm around her, bringing his chest to her back. She could almost hear his surprise and the air just whispered that he was itching to run a hand through his hair but he accepted the pull, happy to be so close to her. “I’m sorry about earlier.” He whispered at last “I’m just irritated that you want me to put you in danger just so you can upset yourself. Literally no good can come of it…” She nodded, glad they were actually talking about it rather than just glaring and muttering. “I know it doesn’t seem logical. I can’t explain it myself. I just think I’ll feel better if I can see what happened. The not having a clue is killing me.” She said, closing her eyes. He sighed, staying quiet as he thought, gently moving some of her hair. “I know.” He soothed. “And that’s why I’m  going to do something very stupid and agree to this.”

 

…

 

"Are you sure this is safe?" He whispered. Lily nodded.  
"They aren't waiting in there for me James. If there's any trouble we can apperate away and Padfoot is waiting outside for us" she said, glancing at the hound lying at the bottom of her driveway. "It's weird to hear you call him that. " he admitted.  
" Get with the times prongs." She teased, taking out her key, turning it over between her fingers as she hesitated. The house looked domineering, towering up, dark against the light grey sky and the glare of the snow piled up at the door. James was melting them a path to the door, stopping when he'd made a circle big enough for them to stand beside each other in front of the door.

 

"You don't have to do this." He said, looking up at Lily's family home. He was certain she had loved this place but now it would be different.  
"Yes I do" she sighed, they'd argued over this enough the day before. He nodded, looking to Padfoot as lily unlocked the door and swung it open, he looked back at the small noise of despair she made. The house was in total darkness. Deep shadows hid doorways and recesses of the house. " _Lumos_ " she whispered, stepping into the house. Where the wand light fell it showed damage. There were scorch marks across the carpets and the light reflected from shards of glass, giving the room a dim blue glow. She reached out, trailing her fingers lightly over a rip in the wallpaper. The hallway bore the brunt of the attack it seemed. In the lounge a mirror was cracked, the glass splintering, and there were cushions strewn about. In the kitchen plates were smashed and chairs up turned. Lily fixed and tidied as much as she could by hand as they went. It still felt wrong to use magic here.

 

James stayed close to her as they walked around the house. She led him up the stairs and she went to check her sister’s room and that of her parents. James was going to shadow her when something else caught his eye. Another door with a wooden sign hanging by a loop of string from a nail in the wood. 'Lily's room' was written in flowing cursive on the wood plaque. He glanced behind himself but she was gone, off in one of the other rooms that led off the landing.  He swallowed, soundlessly opening the door and stepping in. He expected the room to have been devastated too but it was in perfect order. The Death Eaters must have had to flee before they could search the room.  He wondered vaguely if he shouldn't be here, it felt strange. He pushed the thoughts away, wandering to her desk. All of her old school books were lined up neatly on a shelf above the desk but on the wall between the desk and self was a line of photographs, wizarding and muggle with odd spaces in between. Considering the precise order in rest of the room he guessed there had once been other photos to fil these gaps but she had torn them down unable to replace them. He could guess who they were of. He was looking around the room when a fierce volley f barks came from outside.. He moved quickly to the window, pushing a curtain further aside to see Padfoot snarling and barking but he couldn't see anything that wold trigger it. The dog was alone. "Did he see a cat?" Lily asked quietly from behind him. He jumped.  
"Lils, sorry.  Shouldn't have come in here." He apologised quickly but she waved his apology away.  
"Its fine, I just never imagined you in here. It makes it feel like a kid's room." she smiled a little, looking at the pale pink walls and white bed.

 

She frowned, moving to the bed. "Did you put this here?" She demanded, giving him a strange look. "James, did you?"  He looked at her in utter confusion. He didn't have a clue what she had found on the bed and h was about to tell her so when her eyes widened and she whispered "Nox" and they fell into a dimmer light, filtering in trough her half opened curtains.  "I put them there." A voice sneered form the door. James spin around. He had never seen Lil's sister but she was exactly as he'd imagined her. She was thinner than lily but more angular, like she was somehow sharp. She had small, shrewd eyes and curly black hair, the only feature the sisters shared were the brown eye but even those were not the same as Lily's. It was hard to believe that these two girls could be sisters. He realised with a nasty feeling in his stomach that Snape was right about Petunia, she radiated spite and distaste, he never wanted Lily near this girl. She was like poison the Ice to Lily's fire.

 

"Tuney?" Lily said, clearly surprised and upset. "Tuney, you're alright." Lily said, starting towards the younger girl but she flinched back. Lily froze a few steps away.  
"Get out." Petunia said simply.  
"What?" Lily whispered.  
"This is your fault. You stupid bitch. Get out of my house." Lily winced, taking a step back. James stepped forwards, putting a hand to Lily's ack. "Hey, watch it" He snapped at her. She must have been what Sirius s barking about. Then she did the must callous and heatless thing James could imagine. She laughed. Once she was done she flicked on the light, suddenly illuminating them in an artificial yellow glow. "Can't a witch even think of turning on a light?" She asked harshly "And who's this then? You traded that Snape boy in for a taller model? " James glared venomously, waiting for lily to defend herself but she didn’t. She just stood there and endured it. "I hope you know this is your fault" her sister hissed. "If you weren't such a freak those monsters wouldn’t have tied to kill our parents. They wouldn't have destroyed my me!"  
"Enough!" James roared.  
"No James, he's right." Lily muttered as the outrage spread over Petunia's face "I'll pack the last of my stuff, I won't come back." She said.

 

"Good. I never wanted you here anyway. None of us did." She spat, eyes blazing. Lily nodded curtly, digging a few bags from under her bed, blindly grabbing everything in the room that would fit as she rammed it in. "You want these?" James asked, going over to the bed, wondering what had upset her so much. "Incendio" se muttered, watching as the fire leapt up. Petunia squealed and ran but James could see Snape's face and handwriting smouldering.  It was all the photos and letters of him she had kept and now they were gone. She extinguished the fire and shook her head. "This is his fault as much as it's mine." he said. I never want to see him again." she said finally. He nodded and picked up some bags, head snapping up as Sirius started barking loudly again.

 

"We need to go." He said apologetically. She nodded, taking a last look around before Sirius sprinted into the room, transforming mid stride. _"Colloportus tempus"_ He said. The door slammed shut and sealed itself. "Your sister’s boyfriend is a right brute." He explained. There was suddenly banging on the door, like someone was intent on knocking it down.  
"What the bloody hell did you do?" James asked.  
"Bit his leg after the bastard tried to kick me." Suddenly Petunia was yelling too.  
"You're not allowed to do this here!" She wailed. "They’ll kick you out of your precious little school and you'll be alone."  
"Is she really that stupid?" Sirius asked, bemused.  
"It seems so. She has no idea that the trace ended when we were sixteen, I just chose not to use magic while she was around." She shrugged. Sirius sighed.  
"Well that door isn't going to hold gorilla fists back much longer…" Sirius said. Lily nodded, pulling on a backpack and taking each of the boy's hands. She concentrated on James' home, remembering every detail of it as she twisted. As the world around them twisted and was pulled away from them Lily could still see it, like watching into a house across the street  through a window. The spell needed and Vernon fell through the door heavily, petunia screaming as she saw them vanish, then they were at the other side of the country, breathing in cold air and looking up at James' home.

 

The argument had been playing on Lily’s mind for the rest of the day. The darkness crept in early though, so they had spent the night up in James’ room as had become their habit as they fell asleep one by one. They lay on their backs on James' bed in the attic room, staring up at the stars through the skylight. The window was cranked open slightly and Lily was sure James was congratulating himself on  the sneaky idea as it made her edge closer o him to stave off the light draught. As if she needed an excuse. Her attention slid from the stars to James' face and back to the stars again. It was one of those rare winter nights when the clouds had exhausted themselves and dissipated, leaving a clear, crisp light. James lived on the outskirts of such a small village that was not even any light pollution from homes and street lamps. Having vied n a terraced house in Surrey, Lily had never really had the opportunity to see the stars like this. It was such a strange feeling. It felt like the stars were consuming her and yet she was falling up into the sea of the bright pints of light, leaving everything beneath her as they filled her up until she was blazing in their stolen glow. She knew they would light the night sky for hundreds of years, an eternity after she was gone. And yet she knew that every part of her, every atom, was born in a heart of a star as it exploded and died. The stars she was watching were already dead. She felt so small but at the same time, how could she? She had the cosmos within her. As much wonder and beauty as it inspired, as still and calm as she felt as she watched those stars. She felt so sad and so very alive.

 

"What are you thinking?" James whispered, not waning to wake the others splayed on his bedroom floor. He had been watching her as she stared up into the world and out of the other side, trying to make sense of the emotion in her eyes.  She blinked, as if drawn from the deepest of reveries. "It's just … they're so constant but they're not are they? They're the most beautiful contradiction. They're so full of history but they're already dead. We used them for hundreds of years to understand the passage of time and navigate the seas but now we've forgotten about them . It's like they're the most beautiful painting in the world but t's lying forgotten in some gallery's basement. How on earth could we leave them behind…" She whispered, her eyes glazing to the point he thought she would cry. He wrapped an arm around her gently, not disrupting her view.  
"But we haven't forgotten them Lils, look up there, this little patch of sky and stars is ours. I hated Hogwarts at fist you know? Every night when I looked up there was just stone. I was used to looking up at this and seeing everything." He sighed gently. She pulled her attention back to him, rolling in his arms to face him.  
"So what changed your mind about Hogwarts?" She asked.  
"Something just as perfect and mysterious turned my head." He grinned at her. "Well, that and I learnt how to sneak out onto the astronomy tower." He teased. She laughed quietly, and hit his shoulder. She was gad the only light in the room came from the stars and the clock in the in the corner,  she hoped it would hide her blush. Party to avoid his gentle smile that would only deepen the blush, she glanced to the clock. "Merry Christmas" She smiled "We missed midnight." He turned to check before turning back to her  
"So we have … Merry Christmas Lilyflower." He smiled, leaning in to kiss her .

 

From across the room Sirius  whispered "Merry Christmas Prongsie." in a flirty, yet sleepy, tone. He pulled back with a chuckle and lobbed a pillow at him.  
"Merry Christmas Pads." He answered. There was no noise from Remus. Lily guessed he was still asleep. She smiled and settled facing him. They all sly fell asleep, Lily last. Eventually her eyes fell shut and the stars were left in peace.

 

…

 

For once London was utterly still. There were no buses, no late night commuters or revellers, no cabs whizzing about, no crowds spilling from the mouth of an underground station like frenzied foam. There was just silence.  A figure waked alone through the main roads of London, soon sipping into the warren run of alleys that crept away from the tourist heart of the city, radiating from the wealth of the capital until they passed the bounds of hospitality. The alley walls became slick with dirt, lamps reflecting off them without giving any real light. It was in alleyways like this one could feel Jack the ripper breathing down your neck through the passage of time itself. This being London, no one would notice how oddly the figure were dressed if there were any around to countenence it. The cloak slid along the floor behind him, giving sound to the sleeping city. This may have been intentional or it may have been that the wearer was in fact very short.

 

The latter proved to be correct when the first figure drew to a stop, throwing back his hood as a second, taller man approached from the shadows. "Good thing there's nobody out tonight …" The first said meekly, nervous of the other. The taller of the two sighed in irritation. "Which makes it all the easier for us to be noticed. He said tightly. "You summoned me here because you have information. I should be glad to hear it." The small features of the man in the light contorted slightly. "Well you see, it's uh, about Lil- Evans." He stuttered over the words.  
"I told you I want no more reports of her. She knows someone is watching her, if you're seen to be meeting me the pieces will fall into place all too soon." He said dismissively, turning away to leave him.  
"She's with James." He answered quietly. The words carried over the stale air all too easily and the hooded figure froze. The man in the light took a step back in fear, hitting the wall.  
"What?" The hood asked precisely.  
"That is that the er, the blood traitor Potter has increased the level to which he fraternises with the mark." He said evasively.  
"Pettigrew." The hood snarled, pushing him back to the wall, his own hood falling back with the force of the push. Both boys looked to one another in the orange glare of a street lamp. Peter pale as he looked up at the paler face of Severus Snape. Somehow his features were even colder than normal but his eyes were seething, like something was moving in the dark pools of his iris, trying to break free of his emotional snare. "Tell me the truth." He enunciated every syllable and every syllable was a threat. Peter could hear the anger in every slow, grating pause in the cadence of his voice.  Pettigrew swallowed. "Lily and James are dating, going out, seeing each other." He spouted, panic clearly setting in as he was cornered, unable to escape.

 

But then Snape's emotions fell away, he was a mask. His emotions suddenly bound and gagged tightly as he recovered an image of himself. He dropped Peter's robes, letting him duck under his arms to stand with an escape route behind him. "Thank you for this information Pettigrew, it will serve the Dark Lord greatly." He said stiffly, taking a small bag from him pocket and tossing it to Peter, who only just managed to catch it. "Your usual fee." Snape assured as it made a jingling noise much too cheery for the atmosphere in the alley as he caught it. With that Peter turned on his heel and ran, leaving Snape to stand in the alley until his senses returned some time later and he slipped into the darkness again. Peter ran for as long as he could, clutching the blood money tightly. He wished he didn't have to do this. He didn't believe in what Snape and the others were doing but he was desperate. Everyone knew that if you were desperate, a little information could make a lot of money through the right channels, even more through the wrong ones. Peter apparated to his empty home, saying nothing of his trip to London when he saw his family a few hours later, despite his father being enraged about a series of muggle shops being attacked during the night. The muggle press were calling it everything from a Christmas disaster to deliberate, home-grown extremism form a disenfranchised youth. Peter knew better. He knew that Severus Snape would destroy than a few shiny fronted muggle shops on his warpath to James Potter's door.


	12. A Lily For Lily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The marauders find themselves in the absence of Christmas, deeply ensconced in the bleak midwinter, especially when bad news arrives upon feathery wing. Though there's also celebration in the air and a heist to be planned, not to mention an emotionally constipated Sirius Black ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,
> 
> Sorry this took so long to post, i've just moved into my uni halls and started lectures and so on. Anyway, I hope you like the latest installment.
> 
> \- L

They were all in lounging the common room back at Hogwarts when New Year's Eve rolled around again. "You're really a new year baby?" Remus asked lazily from the couch, letting Sirius lie with his head in his lap. Since Lily has found out about the whole animagus thing she had barely seen Sirius on two legs, she even struggled to recognise him like that, always expecting a hound to come bounding forwards when someone mentioned him. Peter had his back to the fire and Lily and James were tangled together on the couch beneath a thick blanket. "Yep" she answered "I was born January first. In a few hours I'll be an adult." She grinned sincerely, despite the slight sarcasm in Remus' tone.   
"You already are ..." Peter frowned in confusion.  
"In the wizarding world yes, but muggles come of age at eighteen, not seventeen." She said simply. "So how are we celebrating?" Remus asked, he had developed a talent for guessing what Sirius was thinking and acting as his mouthpiece. She grinned in return "James has a bottle of fire whiskey hidden upstairs." She informed them, there was an instant outcry from the others until James gave in and let Peter go get it.   
"Snitch" he teased.  
"One secret too many." She grinned. "I don't know; what else should we do to celebrate?" She asked.  
"When do you want presents? After midnight?" He asked.  
"You got me a present?"  
"We all did." Peter smiled, returning with the whiskey and passing it to James, but Sirius whimpered a little, almost out of embarrassment.  
"Don't worry about it pads." She smiled gently, guessing it meant he hadn't gotten her a gift. "You can help me get my hands on some more of Slughorn's stock." She winked. The hound hummed at that.

 

They fell into drinking and making up ridiculous plans to force entry into their professor's secret stock of potions. At some point James retrieved the muggle record player they'd had at the start of the year and a small stack of records. The pile had the who, bay city rollers and a few other bands. Sirius returned to the world of the bipeds to dance as they all got tipsy, twirling around each other in a group of five. It was a blur of grabbing hands and swaying, striking poses as the beat picked up and laughter, even mock ball room dancing and serenading each other before the fire. The worries of the world seemed very far away from the warm common room. Just because they were the only students to have returned so early to the empty castle, it was like the world wasn't real. Only what they could see or feel around themselves was real. The change of texture from rug to stone under bare feet, the radiating comfort and simultaneous burn of the fire whiskey, the orange glow that lit their grinning faces. Eventually 'don't fear the reaper' came on and James gently took Lily's waist, as he had that night that was really only a few months ago, and they danced. This was real too, to feel of hands and the pull of the music and the pressure of a kiss and absolute joy and nostalgia of a single moment held in a caress of time. A temporal lingering, a fold in time, that song held an infinity within it. An infinity of James and Lily falling into each other. The others sat and watched the pair, resuming their earlier positions, though Sirius retained his shaggy haired human form, his head in Remus's lap still.

 

He looked from his best friend, enchanted by Lily, to look up at Remus. But again he knew what he would have said. "Not now Sirius." He said gently, more a reassurance than a refusal. Sirius's eyes slid back to the oblivious James and sighed gently. The spell seemed to break as the song ended and they all collapsed into the couch, collectively making a serious plan to smuggle themselves I to the potion master's study.

 

"Hang on. If Lils has plotted with us, does that make her an official marauder?" Remus asked the room at large.   
"She should have to do an initiation!" Peter grinned.  
"You didn't." She protested. But Peter smirked and shrank down until a rat was miming the YMCA dance at her. "Alright so your initiation was a super cool ability to turn into a rat." She muttered, watching as his features softened and widened, becoming pale as the fur receded to reveal Peter. "What can I do?" She asked.  
"Oh Peter, go fetch the box next to my bed, if the cleaning elves are up there ask them if they'll bring us some snacks too." Remus grinned. Despite questioning, Remus would say nothing until Peter had returned and dropped the box on Sirius' chest. In that time the elves had delivered a feast. Lily looked at the box nervously but she noticed messy handwriting on the face visible to her, reading ' _Property of Remus J Lupin, do not open without express permission of the owner_ ' the box must have been from when he was very young, Remus had gorgeous handwriting now. Lily envied him of that.

 

"Mooney is that?"  
"Yep"  
"You kept it?"  
"Since first year"  
"What is it?" Lily interrupted Sirius and Remus. "What has he kept since first year?"

 

Remus smirked, opening the box and passing her a dogeared piece of parchment ' _The Marauder Oath_ ' scrawled across the top in the same hand. Remus must have kept the minutes of the weekly meetings, she mused. "Read it aloud with a hand on your heart." Remus said solemnly.   
"You must also hop on one leg throughout." Sirius added gravely. She looked to James for confirmation and she could see his lip turning as he tried not to laugh.  
"Gits." She muttered before getting up onto her feet and reading.

 

"Okay, here goes. ‘I Lily Evans, henceforth swear in perpetuity and forever that I shall do my utmost to upset the peace, anger the dull and fight for my right to have fun. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. I will use the full arsenal of tips and tricks at my disposal to aid my oppressed brothers...' This is seriously gender normative you know." She pointed out  
"Oooh, who died and made you king of the synonyms, queen of pronouns?" Sirius said, eyebrows aloft.  
"I'm just saying, at eleven years old you knew what a marauder was, you had a decent vocabulary." She pointed out. Peter shushed her so she carried on. "Okay ...'and liberate them to become comrades in the war on boredom. I will use the bounty of Zonko's and the armoury of hexes I know to achieve this. This is my vow for the rest of my days, or let me become as fat and old and as dull as McGonagall hat pins.' " she gave them a sceptical look and put the parchment down.

 

Sirius leapt to his feet. "Do you, Lily Evans, agree to transcend your petty cares in the name of the cause?"  
"Er ... I do?"  
"And do you agree to loathe the one true enemy until your dying days?" He asked. She didn't need to ask and she didn't hesitate.   
"I wholeheartedly do." She answered, to which James winced.   
"Then I hereby reveal to you your true name, for which you must forsake all others. Rise sister Lilyflower, comrade in the eternal strive for silliness."  
"But you all got cool names!"  
"Your true name, the deepest epoch of your soul has been revealed. Rise Lilyflower."  
"Do you mean metaphorically? I'm already standing..." Peter tripped her up, landing her on her backside.  
"Nicely done." Remus praised quietly. She glared around at them all.  
"Rise comrade Lilyflower." Sirius echoed grandly. She got to her feet feeling distinctly grumpy with the whole procedure. "Mischief managed." Sirius said and they all echoed him, like the end of a prayer in a church.

 

"Was that the challenge?" She asked with a small smile.

"No, the heist is your challenge" he said. "If you play your part and pull it off we won't kill you" he teased. She rolled her eyes, going back to James. "Hey, marauders don't snuggle." Sirius said.  
"Like you can talk" she muttered knowingly. Sirius was quick to let it drop after that. They fell back into chatting and drinking and as midnight crept near and had another dance, pausing in the midst of the celebrations to count down to midnight. Together they linked hands and arms and, grinning at one another, chanted as one "Five ... Four... Three ... Two ... One ..." And a cheer went up between the Gryffindors. They all started hugging each other, wishing each other a happy new year and Lily a happy birthday. Remus was then nominated to complete a ritual Lily had never heard of. She hadn't ever spent a new year with wizards, normally with her family instead. So the tradition seemed about as nonsensical to her as every other aspect of wizarding life. Essentially it was good luck for one member of your party to drink as much alcohol as possible before attempting a makeshift obstacle course. If not fortuitous, it was certainly funny to see the usually plaid Remus stumbling about the common room for a while.

 

"Birthday time" James announced when Remus was being fed sobering solution by Peter a while later. Sirius took over helping Remus to recover and Lily smiled as she helped him.   
"Not a word." He sighed to her as he took Remus' temperature.  
"For how long? You were never like this before" She whispered, to which he shrugged.  
"A few weeks before James' quidditch accident he was telling me that he thought there was something going on between you and Remus. It bothered me more than I thought it would. I think that's why I was so hard on you that night outside the hospital. It was so infuriating that you were with James like that when he thought you wanted Remus. I thought you were being cruel. I was wrong. I'm sorry... I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything to any of them yet though." She nodded at that, touching his arm gently. "Does he know?"  
"He doesn't want to, especially since my patronus changed. You saw it as a wolf? A few months ago it was a hawk ..." He answered and they fell quiet again.  
"His changed too" she reminded him eventually but he shook his head.  
"That hound was always his patronus, he conjured it by the end of fifth."

 

They broke apart, Lily’s response forestalled,  as Peter and James returned with presents, dropping one on a fragile, but recovering,  Remus. He picked it up, blinking at it. "Oh Lily. It's for you it's from Peter and I. Happy birthday." He said, making an effort not to slur his words. She smiled and accepted it, giving him more sobering solution in return, she wanted him to be aware of how grateful he was. A couple of moments later he smiled, almost his usual self. "Go ahead then Lils." He assured. She smiled, noticing how precisely wrapped the gift was, Remus' doing. She unwrapped it just as carefully. How very telling of Remus the gift was. An old wooden box of a deep brown colour, covered in etchings of flowers.   
"It's beautiful" she breathed.  
"Peter carved it and I put the locking charm on. Alohamora won't touch it." Remus beamed  
"Open it Lils" Peter added with a smile. She found no lock or hinge so pressed her finger where a keyhole would be. The wood shifted and a lid opened slowly. Advanced magic. Packed inside the shoebox sized crate was almost every potion ingredient she knew. "Remus!" She beamed.  
"I even made a contents table." He grinned and she dove on him, hugging him tightly and thanking him. "Still delicate Lily, dear." He reminded her fondly and she withdrew, diving on Peter instead.   
"How on earth did you do that carving? It's amazing." she praised him.  
"Oh my dad taught me, he knew all about muggle carpentry and I got decent at it."  
"More than decent." She added. She looked up after a moment of holding the potions kit in awe.

 

Sirius looked at her sadly. "Don't worry Padfot, a hug would be enough." He topped up her glass and pulled her into a bear hug, whispering a 'happy birthday Lilyflower' in her ear and adding.   
"I need you to know that I really tried to dissuade James." With that cryptic word he drew back, putting his hands on her shoulders and spinning her to face James.

 

He was standing awkwardly, as though he was nervous but he was grinning hugely, holding what looked to be a large box covered in a black throw or blanket. "Have you done something insane Potter? we haven't been together long..."  
"A month and two days" he corrected. They were all quiet at that until Lily added  
"Twelve and a half hours" and they rolled their eyes.  
"You'll love it" he promised, putting it on the rug a safe distance from the fire. He was hopping around with so much excitement it was like he was receiving the gift. Eventually he sat opposite her, behind it, watching her expression keenly.

 

With a noise he had never heard before she took off the cover and looked down at her gift. A tiny bundle of orange fur rising and falling within a large cage. She made the noise again, a gleeful yelp that shook with excitement and disbelief. "Insane enough Evans?" He asked smugly, opening the metal cage and removing the sleeping kitten. "I thought that both gingers and girls were a little underrepresented. Voila." He smiled holding the wee ball of fur out to her.  
"Really?" She had to check. He nodded, smiling as much as she was as he placed the Lilliputian thing in her cupped hands. It blinked as it woke from all the movement, looking up at her with wide eyes full of sleep and contentment. She was holding a tiny little life in her hands and she was beautiful. Yet the only words that tripped from Lily's mouth were "what if Padfoot wants to eat her?" They all laughed at that and Sirius promised he would try not to.

 

 It wasn't long before Lily and James were fully ensconced on the couch again, kissing and cradling the cat between them, giggling and discussing names when the first of the day's prophets rolled in. "Look at them, it's disgusting. Imagine how gooey they'll be when they make uncles out of us." Sirius said, causing them both to blush deeply. They never spoke of that far in the future. With the understanding that they were both willing to fight with the order, they didn't see much point in discussing it. They were both so scared of planning and hoping for a future they could so easily be denied. However, they were saved from the embarrassing situation by a tap on the window. None of them had realised that the sun had started to creep up in the time they'd been sitting around. But an owl kept up a steady stream of pecks on the old glass. Usually prophet owls were haughty and languid but this bird was feverish, pecking until Peter ran to the window to let it in. The second it was paid and the paper dropped from its beak, it was away. "What was wrong with the poor thing?" Lily asked with a frown from the couch.   
"Maybe it sensed the presence of a true predator." Sirius rolled his eyes at the sleeping kitten but it was his turn to blush when Remus shot back with.   
"Is that your new nickname then?" But all the while Peter had slowly become ashen faced and silent as he read the headline and beyond.

 

Peter walked over to the rest of the group stiffly, laying the paper out carefully on the coffee table, his delicacy making it seem as though the newspaper would bite. They all climbed up from their respective perches to lean over to look at it. _'A year of terror?'_ The headline read, continuing beneath in smaller script _'Many believe that you should start a new year as you mean to continue. We can only pray that He-who-must-not-be-named is not among those who share in the tradition. However if he is, it would seem that we are scheduled for a year of terror, bloodshed and murder. In the late hours of New Year's Eve, reports arose of a culling of witches and wizards of note in the most prolific show of strength yet from the force identifying themselves as Death Eaters. The fatalities include several leading healers including Ethel Slughorn, wife of Hogwarts professor Horace Slughorn ...'_ The list went on, it was seemingly without end. James swallowed as he read; pulling Lily and Peter towards himself protectively as he read the list and re read it. "Night of the long knives" he grimy said at last.   
“Poor Professor Slughorn … He must be torn apart.” Lily whispered, still cradling the kitten. She and James shared a glance. This was why they couldn’t get their hopes up for a family and long lives together. They both knew they couldn’t have children until the war was over, they would never put a baby in so much danger. They had to live in the moment. It could be all they had.

 

When they were all convinced their families weren't among the missing or the dead, they split up to write them letters, thankfully their owls seemed to know they were needed and had all alighted in various spots around the common room before they were done writing. Peter was frantic, the article said a number of high dependency patients at St. Mungo's had been hurt but didn't name them. He had a sister who had been in there for years. He needed to know. Lily and Sirius watched them with sadness. Lily's parents were in enforced safety and Sirius knew his parents would be supporters of the attacks rather than targets, he maintained he wouldn't care if they were attacked.

 

...

 

"This is wrong James, I can't sneak in there after what's happened to him, it's heartless." Lily argued as James stood folding up the invisibility cloak. 'Just for an emergency' he had said.   
"Lils, we made a plan, and to be honest this only makes it easier, as awful as it is. He's gone home so we have plenty of time to get everything we need; he won't even notice things are gone sweetie."  
"Don't 'sweetie' me when we're grave robbing" she muttered. He rolled his eyes and passed her a deep bag. Reluctantly, she took it.

 

"Where's Padfoot?" She muttered as they wandered the halls, the number of steps between them still held their secret.   
"He'll meet us there; he's still feeling awkward about the whole birthday thing." James rolled his eyes again, ruffling up his hair. She smiled slightly.  
"He shouldn't, it's not like he had to get me anything." She said. They walked quietly after that; eventually waiting for Padfoot by the bust of Sir Gregory the disembowelled stationed a few corridors from Slughorn's study. James pulled out the map to check the area. "Pads is nearly here" he informed her.

"How's everyone else?" She asked, peeking over his shoulder. Peter was wandering the seventh floor corridor and Remus was hidden deep in the library. She looked up at hearing the wrong kind of footsteps as Sirius' dot rounded the corner. Instead of the rolling gait of Sirius, there came the scrabbling sound of claws on the stone floor. He padded around the corner, sitting at Lily's feet with big, round, pleading eyes, a bouquet of lilies on his mouth, tied with a green ribbon. He nudged her hand with the flowers, licking his lips as she took them, giving her hand a lick for good measure.

 

"For me?" She grinned as she took them. "You really are completely emotionally constipated aren't you, Black?" she teased before gently inspecting the pale flowers and softening "Thank you Sirius" she smiled, patting his head and getting a happy rumble in return. James was grinning at the pair of them, he never thought they'd get along so well as they had been recently. "A Lily for Lily? How original" he teased.  
"Oh behave, they're lovely." She said, cradling the flowers as they started for the study, Sirius staying close on all fours, " _Alohamora_ " she whispered, holding the door open so they could all slip in, locking it behind them. "Okay Sirius, where does he keep the stuff he shouldn't have?" She asked, gently laying the flowers on a couch. She glanced around the small room, unsure where he could fit such a large stock of illegal potions.

 

Sirius padded over to a cupboard, sniffing at it before whimpering and padding over to the small trunk in the corner instead, growling at it, James had to whack him with the map to stop him barking at the inconspicuous case. Sceptically, James pushed the hound aside and unlocked it. "Oh" Lily whispered in considerable awe. "That has to be the most extensive undetectable extension charm I've ever seen." She said. When you looked into the trunk it looked like a vast hall, lined and intersected with shelf upon shelf of potions. Some of them radiated light from dark corners, some completely clear and some of every shade and property in between.  It was obvious that this store only held things Slughorn shouldn't have. Lily recognised plenty of vile poisons in one stand of shelves. James nodded "Looks like Sluggy's been practicing his charms too." He said, reaching in as deeply as he could to make it less obvious that some had been taken. Lily filled both bags with the jars he passed, they moved so quickly that she didn't know what she was packing, she had to trust that she had briefed James well enough that he was picking what they needed. After a while she interrupted the continued clinking of glass jars and phials. "No more space." She eventually sighed. It was a huge haul but it didn't even dint Slughorn's collection.  
"We'll do this again Lily, we'll get everything we need." He assured her, seeing the longing in her eyes for more. She gave him a smile, looking around the room which was overcrowded with the most innocent of potions, it all looked like a front now, a charade, the kind bumbling potions master who was really brewing an arsenal. But under it all she still felt so desperately sorry for him. James had picked up the bags and he and Sirius were heading for the door when she paused, crossing to his desk.

 

"Lily, we need to go." James whispered, holding his hand out to her. She shook her head, turning back to the professor's desk. She wanted to do something for him, to both ease her guilt and to let him experience something that wasn't the torture of grief. She walked back to the bouquet and plucked a small petal from one of the lilies. "Sorry Padfoot, but it's for a good cause." She said, conjuring a bowl in the very centre of his desk, tidying the rest of it a little.   
"Lils, he'll know someone was here" James said, confused.  
"Go if you want James, I need to do this." She answered. " _Agumentei_ " she added letting the bowl fill to its widest point with water before stopping the flow and dropping the petal in the centre.

 

 

Heavy, loping footsteps down the hall. Drifting, halting, uneven, approaching.

 

"Crap. He's coming."  
"You said he wouldn't be here James." Lily said, eyes wide.  
"I was wrong about that but in all fairness, if we'd listened to me we'd be gone by now" he said, made sharp by his panic. Sirius used his front two legs to shut the door and James locked it before pulling Lily to an empty corner and down into a crouch, throwing the cloak over them. Sirius grabbed the flowers in his mouth and made himself as small as he could behind a couch. At the last possible moment pointed her wand at the case containing the potions and it slammed shut and locked. "I hope this was worth it Lily." James whispered in her ear whispered, still confused about why she had rearranged his desk. He pulled her closer as they crouched on the floor.

 

The professor entered the room with a slow, disjointed pace, stopping every few steps and looking around as if it was a constant struggle to remind himself how to function. He was a ghost, a shade of himself. His bulk seemed somehow reduced when he was bled of jovial cheer, his shoulders hunched forward, his face pale and his eyes dry and empty, like he had no more tears left. He soon noticed a change in his desk, though it took him a moment to realise some of the papers had been stacked and a bowl placed in the middle. He knew he should wonder how and why someone had entered his office, he should probably fear that his secret trade had been revealed, but there was nothing. Lily swallowed and, as Slughorn watched, she made the petal sink oh so slowly through the water, like a feather through honey. He watched the spectacle, transfixed bit emotionless. Just before the pale petal found the bottom of the glass sphere it twisted with a slow grace, at some point in the rotation, transfigured into an equally pale goldfish, all gentle hues of orange white and black patterns on its scales. Such a simple, pure transfiguration and suddenly his eyes were fresh again, pushing a few more tears down his face as the fish twirled and soared within its glass orb. He knew instantly which of all of his students could have had the heart to do this for him. "Thank you Lily." He whispered, his voice barely audible. "Thank you." He moved forwards, gently, picking up the bowl and moving through to the small sleeping quarters, shutting the door behind him. They snuck through the open door to the corridor, grateful that Slughorn hadn't the awareness to shut it behind him. They stayed bent double as they escaped so the cloak still touched the ground. It had been a long time since all four boys could hide beneath it and stand concealed with any form of ease.

 

A few corridors away they paused in an archway, putting the bags on Sirius like saddle bags and covering him with the cloak. The light scrabbling sound was joined by a regular jingling, indicating Sirius was trotting away. Anyone who passed would probably assume Peeves was bouncing around invisibly. Lily quickly wiped her cheeks, giving James a brief smile. "I'm sorry I delayed us." She said.  
"Don't be. What you did for him was amazing." he said; for once glad to have been proved wrong. He pulled her close and leaned their foreheads together for a moment, reflecting on everything they had done.  They only pulled back when they heard footsteps stop abruptly very near. James' head span around to see Snape disappearing down a corridor. Their eyes met for a split second and instantly he knew that Snape knew. The secret was out then. James hadn't ever seen Snape's eyes so carefully dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that then? Drop me a comment if you like.
> 
> As always, i'll update as soon as I can, 
> 
> see you soon
> 
> \- L


	13. A Speech And A Cease Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come for the marauders to make their stance known in the rapidly approaching conflict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, since uni started I don't have a lot of time so I was thinking of posting shorter chapters as often as I can. Also I'm about to start writing for doctor who worldwide so that could take up a little time. Please be patient with me, I'll update a often as I can.

"Are you sure about this?" James asked

"About which bit, telling the whole school we're together, making a speech or letting Dumbledore know that we're with him?" Lily murmured

"All three"

"Then not entirely"

"For which one?"

"For all three..."

 

Lily and James shared an uncertain glance. They were sitting side by side at the Gryffindor table of the great hall, hands intertwined under the table, a sense of danger about it still. "Are you sure you want people to know about _this_ though?" He asked, stroking her hand in small circles with his thumb. She smiled at that, a small blush on her cheeks as though people could see it. "Well the secret's already out. I'd rather do something ridiculous and tell people than wait for Snape to use it against us somehow." She sighed. "I'm just worried about the backlash on you." she said.

"What backlash?" He asked

"You're a pureblood, I'm not. The way things are right now there's bound to be a harsh consequence." He rolled his eyes in response.

"Part of me wants to let Snape do his worst, but it doesn’t feel like our secret anymore, it's like we're cowering from him, waiting for him to make a move."

"Then we're decided." She whispered, squeezing his hand and releasing it gently.

 

It was the start of term and the corresponding feast, though it seemed more like a façade than ever. The staff were tight lipped and alert and the elder  students were muttering between themselves. Since the New Year massacre there had been reported sightings of giants in Ireland and Wales for the first time since they were driven to hiding. There seemed to be a consensus that they had joined Voldemort. Only Dumbledore seemed to be jovial, although there was something missing behind his eyes as he stood to speak, the remnants of dessert fading away from the enchanted platters.

 

"I'm sure that you are all growing bored of listening to the ramblings of an old man. So with that in mind, your head boy and girl have been asked to speak. Please welcome Miss Evans and Mr. Potter. James hopped up from the table and Lily followed. It was ridiculous she felt so nervous at the prospect of what they were doing. She looked at the floor as they walked towards the podium, making sure she was a normal distance from James.

 

Surely enough Sirius started cheering as they took their places, causing a ripple of polite applause over which Sirius could be clearly heard. James looked to Lily and she just looked back, he rolled his eyes as he was forced to speak first. "Welcome back everybody, it's nice to see as many of you as we do, though we can't deny that our tables aren't as full as we would like." He said calmly, his smile fading. "We face a very real threat and the headmaster has asked us to reiterate a few points of security with you all. "

 

He looked to Lily and stepped back, allowing her to speak. "Firstly, trips to Hogsmede will be more closely monitored, staff will be stationed throughout the village during our free time and you will be asked to stay within the centre of the village, the woods and the shrieking shack are now strictly out of bounds" She said, her eyes flickering to Remus, who nodded back fractionally. "Finally, every student must be accounted for back at the gates before it gets dark. There can be no exceptions to these amendments ." There was a slight murmur as the students moaned about the new rules but they all saw the logic in it. "Secondly" James began. "We all think of Hogwarts as impenetrable, our ultimate sanctuary. To a certain extent, ,this is true but we'd like to urge you to stay vigilant and sensible, report anything you don't feel comfortable about, do not allow yourself to be a silent victim." He said with a calm yet forceful air.

 

Lily spoke up to finish "And finally, I'd personally like to add that our best defence lies in one another. Dissent and division could be the undoing in our security. The time has come when we need to stand together and make our stance known." She said, looking to the headmaster who was  watching her intently. "Our friends are the best support we could hope for." she said, looking back to the hall at large. "Keep them close, look out for one another. There is safety in numbers and sanctuary in those you hold dear." She said, taking a deep breath as she took James' hand up at the lectern, in view of the school. There was a bemused chuckle from Dumbledore almost immediately. James squeezed her hand supportively, knowing how much of a goofy grin must be on his face as he finally got to show off how they were together. A murmur ran over the room before many people joined Dumbledore in laughter, a ray of light shining into the darkened hall. She blushed furiously as she pulled him from the stage. "Off to bed with you all" McGonagall dismissed the room. James and Lily were already halfway out, Sirius, Remus and Peter jumping up to follow them out, all grinning stupidly. They had just started up the grand staircase when their other friends all pooled around them, having chased them out.

 

 

A soon as they had taken to the stage, the busiest of the tables seemed to have frozen as  most of the Slytherins paused to assess their speech, the eldest of them stiffening at what they heard, the youngest falling into frenzied mutterings whilst their elders remained in frozen distain. Snape was the first to break the icy mass, rising to his feet and sweeping from the hall. He hid himself in an alcove, watching the fools fawn around Potter. James and Lily were a few steps up on the staircase, James' fan club surrounding them, parting them for the masses. In that moment there was something regal about the couple. They were like an image to their peers, something aspirational, like some morale boosting mural on the Berlin wall. They were just taking a little of the fear in the building, just for a while. They were a painting to be admired.

 

James had his arm looped around Lily's waist so casually it was painful to see someone to touch her like that. Snape struggled with himself in his corner. He always had to fight the memories of her still. He had to stop himself following her, still begging for forgiveness. He had to stop this though. He had warned her so often and she had never listened. The crowd slowly dispersed from congratulating the pair and James winked at his friends. "Meet you in the common room" he said. Lily took his hand with a grin, running up the stairs and pulling him along.

 

Once no-one remained Snape followed, hunting the pair by following giggles and chuckles. "Tut tut Miss Evans, not much of a head girl if you're trying it on in a corridor." Potter's voice said nearby.

"Well I'm sure you know some cozy broom cupboards" Her answer came, teasing him. It made Snape gag. "

You deserve more than a bloody cupboard" James laughed. "You spoke really eloquently out there. You were so brave" He smiled, stroking her cheek.

"It had to be said. I'm glad I said it." As Snape rounded the corner on them he saw the tenderness they interacted with. It stopped him suddenly, He really looked at them. Lily was perched on a window sill, James standing close as they talked gently. Lily had made her choice, that much was clear. In that moment he had to trust her. He would watch from a distance. Getting n closer now was too much of a risk for the both of them. He had made his choice too; the constant burn on his arm reminded him of it.  But then Lily's eyes glanced over James' shoulder, spotting Snape. She shook her head to him fractionally before she kissed James' cheek and hopped down, leading him away from Snape without him ever realising his enemy had been so close. Snape didn't follow. He didn't call out. They were done here.


	14. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily finally get their first date, but other first meetings follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I'm getting back up to speed with posting, i'll try to post a few chapters a month. I even have a few chapters planned ahead now.

"You really think they'll let today go without a hitch?" Lily asked with a smile. She and James were sitting in a 'horseless' carriage on the way to Hogsmede and somewhat unusually she and James were utterly alone. "Lils, I have been trying to take you on this exact date for seven years. If Sirius bloody Black thinks he can pull some stupid prank to ruin it and survive, he would be very much mistaken." James answered with a smile, putting an arm around her shoulders as the carriage trundled closer to the village. Lily smiled, still not quite believing that the date had been so long in the making. "So I'm guessing that there's a plan to follow f you've had so long to mull this over." She smiled.   
"Believe it or not, we're ahead of schedule." He nodded.  
"What because we get carriages for safety instead of walking?" She guessed.  
"Actually it's because a miracle has happened and you've already agreed to be my girlfriend before we even get on the date."  
"Don't lie, up 'til fifth year you thought that one day I'd look at your artfully ruffled hair and crack. That I would throw myself at your feet and beg for your loving mercy because I'd secretly loved you the whole time." She protested. "Isn't that what really happened?" He asked with mock Innocence.  
"It was a surrender of sorts" Lily conceded with a smirk. The gentle teasing continued until the carriage slid to a halt in the middle of the village. 

 

Somehow Hogsmede seemed to be a stronghold of good spirit, even safer than the grounds of Hogwarts felt. Lily smiled as they climbed out. "Merlin, I've missed this." She smiled, kicking at a little clod of snow as James hopped down beside her. "So, what's first on the itinerary?" She asked.   
"Forget the schedule." He smiled "let's just enjoy the day." He smiled, offering her his arm. She nodded and took his am, leaning into him, happy to leech some of his warmth and have an excuse to stay so close to him.

 

They made their way through the village, occasionally waving to the people around them they recognised. They received grins and knowing looks as they went. "Madame Puddifoot's?" She teased, watching James pale at the thought of the gaudy little café. "That was struck off the plan after third ear. Nowhere near good enough for this date." She blushed at that.   
"Flattery gets you nowhere." She warned gently, her cheeks burning in the cold air. James chuckled.  
"How about Honeyduke's first?" He suggested. With that they started the day by weaving in and out of shops, stocking up on supplies from sweets to ink and parchment. They spent a disproportionately long time looking at quidditch equipment and Lily managed to sneak an owl order into her bag without him noticing, intending to start looking for his birthday gift soon. She wasn't sure if anything would match the kitten he had bought her that grew every day. "Cat food!" she remembered with a groan just as they thought they were done.

 

"Where are your marauders then?" Lily asked some time later as they wandered aimlessly.   
"Our Marauders." He corrected. "Probably at the shack, doing repairs." He continued as she looked at him in confusion. "The last moon was pretty bad and it's coming up again. They haven't had a chance to fix the defences since. Today no one expects them to be in the castle so they can do it without being noticed."  
"Shouldn't you be with them? She asked with a little guilt. He shook his head.   
"Sirius says he can do it better without any help. He's probably right so Remus is there to entertain him. Peter is off again."  
"Probably with the girl." She smiled "I think it’s sweet how private he's being about it. He gets so flustered whenever I ask." James just pulled a face, changing the subject quickly.

 

"Drink?" He asked, opening the door of the three broomsticks. She sighed and nodded, stepping into the pub. The warmth washed over them as they entered. There was a light hum of conversation though the bar was a little emptier than usual. They took a table to the back of the room. Lily sitting as James went to get the drinks.

 

She looked down at a growling by her feet. "Hey Padfoot." She whispered, opening her hand as the hound appeared from nowhere. James will kill you if he sees you.” She waned.   
"We're just passing through." Remus whispered, still invisible behind her. "We wanted to see how it was going." Lily smiled shyly. "Well by the looks of it." He guessed, Sirius beating his tail hard in agreement.   
"I could say the same for you." She whispered, smiling as the dog huffed and vanished. "Bye boys." She smiled, certain they were gone.

 

"You look happy." James commented as he came back.  
"Shouldn't I?" She smiled. "I'm on the best date I've ever had." She gave him a second to look smug "… With my boyfriend." She continued as he got smugger. "It's a gorgeous day, I've seen my friends, I have a butterbeer, I'm safe too, what more could I ask for?" She smiled.  
"Maybe a kiss?" He ventured.  
"Ah, now I understand the schedule. There's a time limit f you seducing me?" She smiled, leaning close, grinning as she finally made him blush. "The great ladies’ man Potter down to a blush in a few words." She leaned up and kissed his forehead.  
"Schedule, what schedule? You sleep in my bed!" She smacked his arm.   
"In it, not with you." She said, blushing deeper than him. "And if you carry on that won't change." She said meaningfully." Her smile fading as she looked over his shoulder. "Look" She whispered.   
"No you look." He grinned, wrapping his arms around her. She giggled.   
"James I'm being serious, look who came in." He glanced around to see a few of the teachers passing through the bar into a private room but something was odd about their behaviour.

 

 "We need to get in there" He said. "I didn't bring my cloak" He whined, craning his neck as he leaned around the tree to glimpse the rom Dumbledore had entered.  "You can't just sneak in, who knows what you'll risk." She said, to which he nodded. "We can edge closer though." Se ginned, grabbing their drinks and casually moving right next to the door, sliding into the little booth there. The door was open a crack, unbelievably, and voices were just audible. "Who's coming today?" McGonagall asked quietly.  
"The Prewett brothers are coming with nominations for their sister and brother-in-law, Allister is on his way. Aberforth …" Dumbledore listed names and the two teens listened attentively, failing to recognise the names but knowing that this was Dumbledore's hidden order. "Are you sure it’s wise to be putting so man of the students forward as nominations, Albus. They're children." They are all of age, but I do understand your reticence. I will nominate them now, and then they'll be brought before the order. There is every chance they may not become a part of this Minerva." 

 

 

"You and I both know that the three boys and Lily are more than capable, better than some we already have. Alice too is a very strong dueller, as is McKinnon but the less apt will be dragged into this too. Poor Pettigrew and Longbottom, the order will take them when they aren't ready." She argued. Lily took James' hand as they listened, knowing their Head Of House was right. "The order will only accept those who stand a chance and who want to volunteer. They'll be trained extensively. Rest on it Professor." The Headmaster plead, his voice growing louder.

 

"He's coming, what if he sees us?" James hissed. Lily hesitated, pushing herself into James' lap and kissing him enthusiastically as Dumbledore poked his head from the small backroom to scan for his colleagues, quickly spotting the two Gryffindors and raising his eyebrows. "Enjoying a fine day I see." He commented. Lily pulled back with a very convincing blush. "Headmaster! I'm sorry." She said "Just got carried away." James nodded silently a happy little grin on his face. "So far ahead of schedule." He hummed to himself.   
"Don't apologise Miss Evans. There may come a time when you are each other’s best defence. There's no need to eavesdrop any further, gather together those of your friends you heard us talking about and take them on your patrol with you. Bring them to my office and we'll talk." He said, a fond expression gracing his face. There was never any use in lying to the man.

 

"It's getting dark; I'd head back to the castle if I were you." He advised, nodding at the pair as a large man with a limp and heavy staff approached with Hagrid. The Gamekeeper gave them a wink as Dumbledore chivvied them into the room. The door was closed firmly behind them, cutting off Lily and James' source of information.

 

"Stop grinning." She said, turning her attention back to him with a smile, unable to stop herself despite the seriousness of what they had heard. "Are you ever going to kiss me like that because you want to, or only ever to get us out of trouble?" He asked.  
"Well it's a long carriage ride home." She winked, standing and pulling on her winter cloak. "And I can't think of much else to occupy our time, can you?"  
"Absolutely nothing." He said, grabbing the bags they had bought and helping load them into her bag, keen to leave suddenly.

 

…

 

Lily paused as James jumped into a waiting carriage, laying her hand on the thestral's nose before offering it an apple. "Thank you." She whispered to it.   
"Lils?" He smiled, fading as he saw her patting at thin air, an apple disappearing in front of her. He climbed down again, going over and wrapping his cloak around her. "Can you see it?" She whispered. He shook his head.   
"No, it's never happened in front of me, even that day in Diagon, a lot was happening but I didn't see anything … You can see it." He said.  
"I can." She whispered. "It shouldn't be so beautiful, but it is." She said, shushing the beast lovingly as it flicked its ears, stroking its forelock.

 

"Who?" he asked gently.   
"That day in Diagon. You were it right. It wasn't safe for Muggleborns. Meg got hit when she pushed me from a killing curse. You know the rest." She said. He rested his head on her shoulder, reaching out blindly. She took his hand, guiding it to the Thestral's neck. "Feel him?" She asked.  
"It's like smoke, like touching cold smoke" He answered, shaking his head.   
"Come on then, with any luck Dumbledore will lead us through it without you being able to see Thestrals." She smiled; they knew how unlikely it was.

 

They crawled back into the carriage for the journey back. Half way back an owl flew in and perched opposite them. "A letter?" James frowned. LiIy stood to get it before sitting as she had been before, at a right angle to James, legs thrown over his and her back to the side of the carriage. "It's from Dumbledore." She said, passing it over as she broke the seal.

 

_'To James and Lily._

  _Meet in my office during supper._

  _A.P.W.B.D'_

 

Once they had read it the edges smouldered and James flicked it away, watching as it burnt away without a flame. "Does it really have to have so much smoke and danger mystique about it all?" He asked, frustrated.   
"Yeah, they do." she sighed. "We can't be too careful." James nodded.  
"Well, I'm glad we already ate, I was looking forward to supper." He smiled, resting a hand on her leg as they fell into thinking. "Hey, long time till supper." She smiled. "We wanted to do this, still do." She reminded him softly. "We'll be there." She told the owl who hooted softly and took off.

 

Once they were back in the castle it was an uneasy wait for the common room to head to supper. Remus, Sirius and Peter didn't surface again, even when they waited a while in the silent room the other marauders didn't show. Lily and James wandered up to Dumbledore's office. "Chocolate frogs." James said, stepping onto the revolving staircase with Lily's hand in his. It conveyed them up to the oak door to the Headmaster's study. There was a gentle hum of voices from behind the door but words were indecipherable.

 

They shared a glance before James went to knock. Before his fist hit the wood the door sprung open, Sirius on the other side. "Nice to see the Potters have joined us at last." He bowed mockingly. Lily glared at him and unsurprisingly James just smirked wider. "I was under the impression something serious was happening." Lily said, glancing around the room haughtily.

 

Remus and Peter were sitting on a couch near the desk, a spare spot where Sirius must have been. Alice was sitting on a step beside her boyfriend, Frank whilst Marlene paced about them all. Flitwick and McGonagall stood behind the headmaster. "That we are Miss Evans." Dumbledore said, rising to beckon them all closer.   
"You have been nominated to join The Order of the Phoenix. It's time for you to have your say. The order has approved each of your profiles, seeing you as useful should you still want to join us. It will be dangerous; there is no way to avoid that danger. You will be bound to the utmost secrecy. No one can know of your missions, our aims, your role or even the existence of the order. If, after this meeting, you should choose not to continue with us, all memories pertaining to the order shall be removed from me and your attendance here shall be removed from the rest presence, that way you will be protected from, The Order's influence. I must be understood, there will be no way for you to re-join us if you opt out today. There will be no way for you to opt out after today yet the order may decide not to take you at the induction, your memories will be similarly altered at that point. How do you al vote?" Dumbledore asked tone grave.

 

They all shared meaningful looks, edging closer to their friends as the moment they chose their fates rose upon them, the threads weaving more tightly about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts? Let me know what you think in the comments :)


	15. Left Speechless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions always run high at the Gryffindor/ Slytherin match but the reprocussions of this particular match are somewhat more dire.

"Rain? Even snow was better than this." Sirius whined, peeking out of the changing room.

"Slytherin are crap in the rain" Lily said optimistically, tying her hair into a ponytail.

"So  are we." James sighed.   
"But not as crap." The keeper grinned.   
"Get your brooms  ladies." James called , wanting to get them out to the pitch quickly.   
"As a lady and a beater, I'll beat the crap out of you if you say that again." McKinnon smiled sweetly, picking up her broom and sidestepping James neatly to lead the team out. Lily giggled as she followed, broom thrown over her shoulder.  She put on a confident strut, mocking how Sirius always swaggered out to the pitch.

"Sure you can see a snitch in this potter? You'll need windscreen wipers" Lily teased.   
"I'll catch it as long as you put some points in the net." He retorted, grinning.   
"What would you two know about that?" Sirius said, hopping over James' broom as it came down to knock him off his feet.

"Oh no need to worry, Lily's blush is so hot it'll evaporate the rain before it ever leaves the clouds." McKinnon said cheerfully.

 

"Who's in the new Slytherin line-up?" A fourth year chaser asked as they reached the drizzly pitch. He was right, even from this distance in poor visibility, it was obviously not the usual Slytherin line up. The tall, broad figures that usually leered up to intimidate them were gone, leaving younger Slytherins to fill in for them. "I'll almost feel guilty for kicking their asses. They're all fifth or younger." McKinnon grinned.

"But where are the usuals?" James  frowned.

"Calm down love, they're probably just studying. We need to start too." Lily said meaningfully, thinking longingly of an unfinished essay.

"Game face Lils." Sirius sighed, watching as James strode ahead to shake the Slytherin captain's hand.

"Sixth year, beater, absolute brute". Lily murmured, scanning the crowds for Remus but knowing he'd  be in the dorm room, recovering from the moon, last time had been lighter but last night had reverted to being just as bad as always. They wouldn't say what had happened but  Sirius was still limping despite Lily's best efforts to patch him up and there seemed to be the remnants of an atmosphere between him an James under the jokes. Something must have happened last night, Lily was determined to get it from James later.

 

There was  a shrill whistle blast and they were moving against the rain, returning to the clouds as they shot up, the various balls following them. The game wasn't as fierce as usual, though it was clear that Slytherin were keen to live up to their reputation and rivalry, trying to barge and cheat clumsily. In the end Gryffindor brought the victory home, James catching the snitch early to put the game out of it's misery. It felt lack a waste of the high stakes training they had all gone through. It was just disappointing in the purest sense of the word. Even McGonagall had looked bored up in the stands.

 

As they all touched down on the sodden grass, slightly morose, there  was a sound up in the air. Sirius was yelling at one of the Slytherins. "Regulus, the slimy little git. I didn't even notice him up there." James growled, on his broom quickly. "Who the hell is Regulus?" the keeper asked.   
"The estranged brother." James sighed.  
"Technically Sirius is the estranged one." Lily corrected without thinking.  
"Really helpful, Love." James said, kicking off to meet the two squabbling Blacks in the air.

 

"Regulus, get your head out of your arse, you're making a fool of yourself. What would  your Mother say?" Sirius taunted  
"Our mother, Sirius. And if you're taking that tone, don't use my name, I'm not a child."  
"Would you prefer Arcaturus? That's what your mother would prefer." He said firmly.  
"Leave it lads, it's not worth it." James called in frustration as he reached them, hooking his arm around Sirius in an attempt to steer him away.

 

"I can handle that little shit on my own James!" Sirius snapped, jerking away from him, his broom carrying him just out of Regulus' earshot as his anger refocused on James.  
"Calm it Pads! You've been snapping at everyone since the moon. He's a shit so he deserves it, calm it down. If you snap at Remus like that he'll take it to heart now."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked defensively.

"You know he's always more sensitive after the moon." He said, nonplussed, as they floated  down "He's always scared of upsetting us in case he hurt us while we were out there. He's going to notice you're in pain too. I hope you're in the mood to try and explain that stunt you pulled last night." He said as they landed. Sirius nodded stiffly, relaxing somewhat as he walked towards Lily. "Shake it off mate." James patted his back as they joined the team, heading back up to the castle among the muttering  crowd who had clearly felt cheated about the quality of one of the most anticipated games of the season.

 

Half way back up to the tower came the echoing sound of heavy, damp footfalls on stone, like someone was running towards them all. "That kid needs to lean when to give up!" James sighed as Regulus rounded the corner, panting as he had run half the length of the castle. James went to shout something at the boy but he was cut off. "Shut it Potter, you might like to play pretend but he's my brother, not yours. I decide when I speak to him and you can't stop me." James' eyebrows rose but he raised is palms, biting his tongue as his call was curbed/ Lily took his arm and pulled him back now, surprised by the strength of James' revulsion at the sight of the boy. It reminded her of how he looked at Snape. With a slight pang she finally understood. It was loyalty. If anyone hurt someone he cared about as fiercely as he cared about Sirius, he could never forgive them. Instead he calmly shrugged and said. "I'm not so sure he wants to talk to you. But try if you like."  
"Still using him as a voice piece then?" The younger Black asked his elder harshly.  
"Prongsie has his uses. He'd never have gotten a girlfriend without that silver tongue. You should hear some of his poetry, very melodic." Sirius answered cockily, wearing his best façade but Lily could see the tenseness in him, the exhaustion too.

 

"Very funny. I came to tell you something. I'm not a child and only my family have the right to talk to me how you and your cocky friend did out there. You decided not to be my brother so you don't talk to me like that, understood?"  
"Firstly, If mother has you believing she's allowed to treat you like shit then you need to get out of there like I did, she's poisoning you like the sour old hag she is. Secondly, I never wanted to be your enemy. You need to realise that all of this … the nonsense she's told you is utter crap, it's wrong and it's hateful and dangerous. You need to get out while you can, be my bother again." he said, letting himself be vulnerable to his brother, almost imploring him.

 

"No." Regulus muttered, shaking his head like a dog irked by a wasp rather than a rational boy. "No you'll poison me. You're so weak, you brought us so much shame. Bella  told me you would try to do the same to me." He looked panicked, almost stricken. Lily felt James moving protectively close. She looked up at him questioningly but Sirius gave her the answer.

 

"Bella?" Sirius exploded. "How dare you talk about Bella, what about Nymphadora, who protects her from other people's weakness? Who protects her from Your weakness and Bellatrix's weakness, mother's weakness?"  His composure had fractured and he was shaking, his wand was in his hand as he yelled at Regulus. The younger Black's expression had transformed to one of confirmation, the relief that came from realising he was not the mad brother.

 

Regulus started to shout back smugly but Lily's temper broke."Langlock" She called, pulling James in behind the statue of the one eyed crone."Where the hell did you learn that?" Sirius said, stupefied as his  brother's face contorted but no sound issued. He was brandishing his wand uselessly, he was too young to have learnt non verbal spells yet. "I borrowed it from one of your favourite people." she told him. "One of Severus' choice incantations."  
"Snivelly had his uses then." Sirius sighed, casting his brother a sad glance before turning away to leave for the tower.

 

A cold voice froze him in place. "Now now Sirius, Is that any way to treat family?" Bellatrix admonished mockingly. "We all used t get on so well when we were little, what changed?" she clucked, pacing past the muted boy, casually approaching. Suddenly Lily was deeply thankful to be behind the crone with James. Bellatrix had always unnerved her and she didn't know why. It must have something to do with the way she moved. She was feline. She moved in long, low strides with eyes that flickered in search of the upper hand, her face curling into a self congratulating smirk as she found the way to make Sirius squirm. "Oh, but I suppose that you leaving made it all the easier for your little brother and I to get on. We're so similar, share so many ideals." She said lightly, cold eyes sliding to Lily. "Ideals that you clearly never had … We even hang around with the same people … the right kind of people." She smiled in faux sweetness. As the watched her sleeve inched up, giving just the barest hind of a black tattoo upon her pale forearm. Sirius's expression turned to ash and his head snapped to Regulus, who only smirked back through the imposed silence. "You're lying. What the fuck would Voldemort want with a child. He can't even use non verbal spells! Look at him!" He hissed. "The dark Lord" She corrected "Believes in him like you never could … who knows, maybe he'll believe in little Nymphadora soon too, think of how much she could learn -"

 

Sirius snapped at the mention of his youngest cousin, the first year Hufflepuff was the only real family had left. He would always fight to the death to protect her. He flung a viscous curse at her but his anger made him so clumsy with hi aim that she sidestepped it with the barest effort. She smirked at the rupture in his composure, taunting him to further attacks.

"Pete we need a code four, mate." James said. Lily didn't have time to look around at the words, hearing peter retreat around a corner and seeing a rat running back out from behind her. It launched itself at Bellatrix purposefully. She kicked out at it as it sunk it's teeth into her ankle, sending peter flying towards a wall at force. "accio!" Sirius said, breaking his duel to change the rat's direction, now sailing towards the Gryffindor's. Lily jumped up and caught the rat as he came close, dropping him in the hood of her cloak for safe keeping. It was the safest she could manage without running from the fight. He was heavy, unconscious. "So much for that code four." She said, firing off a non verbal trip jinx, taking Bellatrix down. She soon rose again.

 

"you need something stronger Lils. What are you doing?" James asked, frustrated by the mildness of the spells she was using from such a good stance. She was well protected but with a great view of te action. His tactical mind was whirring.  
"I am not Turning Padfoot's family brawl into a bloodbath, I'm just keeping them busy."  
"What are you stalling for?" He asked.  
"This." She smiled "Deprimo." She said clearly, taking advantage of the way they were standing, both boys behind her with the Black's in front. A terrible howling wind whipped up between them, a gale controlled by Lily that so thoroughly distracted them all that the fighting stopped . Few stayed on their feet, most dropped their wands as the wind buffeted and beset them, toppling the young aristocracy of the wizarding world to the cold stone floor. Sure enough the screaming howls brought a teacher running, Flitwick. "Miss Evans, what is happening?" He demanded.   
"sorry for the noise sir, Just splitting up  family dispute." She said sweetly. She allowed the spell to break off as she turned to face him. "They're no family of mine." Sirius growled, looking more hound than human as he glared.

 

"You think I class you as family? You venomous blood traitor?" Regulus yelled, jumping up again. His vice being restored by Bellatrix. She couldn't use her spells for anything more productive when Flitwick was so close. "Kid needs to learn when to quit" James commented lazily, aloof in the safety of a teacher.

 

Sirius raised his wand to use Langlock against his brother as Lily had. He saw the manic gleam in Regulus' eye and couldn't bear the torture of a pureblood lecture. He always looked unhinged when he quoted mother. "...Cavorting with a Mudblood like that. Bella knows a spell for vermin like her." He said, before Sirius had silenced him but now everyone froze.

 

"Leave it." Lily murmured, her pride prickled but  she wanted to shake it off, They would only use the words against her if she let them have power over her. She had to endure it, it was the way things were now.   
"I will not leave it" Sirius said with a calm authority that scared Lily, she hadn't seen him so serious before. His wand was pointed sharply now, not held with the swaggering style of his usual dueling. James looked incensed. He put a hand to her back and she finally let him pass to stand on his friend's flank, waiting for Sirius' play. He was a second.

 

"Severus sends his love to you Mudblood." Beatrix smiled at Lily cruelly, casually wrapping her arm around her young cousin, using the smooth movement to drop three small pellets . The moment they stuck the stone floor smoke reared up, black fog hiding the blacks. "It's Peruvian." Sirius hissed, flinging a nasty curse into the darkness blindly, more out of frustration than a will to hurt. "Stop it. " Lily pled, walking to him quickly and pushing his wand arm down. "They're not worth your spells" She said softly. "Thanks for defending my honour though." She said with a weak smile.  
"Yeah well I don't do hugs." He muttered, reluctantly giving her a wry smile. "Tough." She answered, wrapping her arms around him.

 

There was  a strange sound from the noxious black smoke. A low 'vworp'. It was a thick, viscous sound that whistled slightly with the speed of its approach. Lily gave a choked gasp,  thudding into Sirius' chest with force. His arms closed around her reflexively as  she started to fall, knocked off her feet as a purple light struck her across the back and shoulders. "Lils?" he asked quickly, looking to James helplessly as Lily slumped in his arms "Professor?" He said, looking to him next as James darted forwards in panic. He tore Lily from his friend, sinking to the floor with her pinned in his arms.  "She's innocent!" Sirius howled into the fog, incensed. "She was a bystander." He took a step into the fog, intending to chase them on four legs and rip the bloody dark mark from her arm with his sharper canine teeth. "Sirius?" James said quietly. "Sirius help me." He begged, voice scattered, panicked. He stowed his ager and knelt by the James and the teacher. She was losing consciousness and the back of her robes were torn, the edges of the raged holes singed from the heat of the curse but there was no blood, only deep purple bruising visible through the tears. "Lily? Lils love can you hear me?" James was begging but her eyes were unfocusing.

 

There was a snuffling, squeaking sound as Peter tumbled unsteadily from her hood, trying to take in the scene from a rat's perspective. He waddled closer, laying a pink little paw on Lily's cheek. James watched mutely, unable to cope with it all. She looked dead and he couldn't do anything. He just had to sit there as Flitwick muttered useless words. He watched the rat's whiskers touch her face as it nuzzled her, like Peter was trying t wake her. "It won't work Wormy." He whispered, voice rough. With that the rat was running from them. James didn't have it in him to wonder where went. He held her tighter as  they waited for the rat to bring help. No one tried to soothe the other. James wouldn't have allowed soothing words.


	16. Whispers Of The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After recieving the sharp end of a viscous curse, Lily is rushed to St. Mungo's for treatment but it's down to James to bring her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look guys, another update! Don't say I never give you anything. Even I couldn't resist finding out what happened after that cliffhanger
> 
> \- L

There was a fly in her head. It bounced and collided and ricocheted through every inch of her cranium. There was nothing but the fly. Maybe it was a wasp, it was so sharp. She didn't have the consciousness to wonder how long the wasp-fly had been there. It was cumbersome and sharp, lumbering through her consciousness, but as much as it bothered her, she was glad of it. Without the fly there would be nothing and then she would just stop being.

 

 After a while she convinced herself that the wasp-fly's buzzing sounded like words, like the wasp-fly was whispering to her in another language. Slowly it learnt English, its voice fracturing into many voices. At first she didn't recognise any of the buzzing but slowly they were replaced with more familiar, warmer voices. She understood whether the voices were angry or sad after some more time, eventually able to listen and remember for long enough to make sense of the strings of sound.

 

…

 

Tired voice. "If she doesn't wake up Pads…."  
Determined voice. “Then we deal with Bellatrix together and trust me we make her pay."  
Timid voice. "She wouldn't want it … She'd never want you to do that."

 

…

 

Light voice. "Hey Lily my love … the, erm. The healers said you might be able to know what's going on around you. I'm here … I'm always here." The voice became sadder. "Please open your eyes love, just for a second. For me?" The voice stopped speaking English then; speaking in the sniffs and tight breaths of a language she used to know.

 

…

 

Calm voice … Male … the voices were always men she realised. "Mr. Potter you must calm down. If she can indeed hear you then imagine how distressing this will be on top of her state."  
Hysterical voice. "I don't care. Look at her. She's dying and there's nothing I can do. I'm going to kill them. Bring the order meeting forward so can go and kill them."  
Calm voice. "No James."  
hysterical voice. "Then I'll kill them anyway. I will not lose her. They'll have to take me before they kill her."  
Silence.

 

…

 

At last, three female voices came close, the warmth she felt told her she knew them but whenever she searched for names she found pain. It was easier to float, just one layer above herself.  
"James is beside himself, I think if anyone leaves him alone he'll go hunt Bellatrix down himself."  
"Is there still no sign of wear she went?"  
"No ... Black has informed us that he saw the dark mark on his cousin's arm. If the Death Eaters are giving her sanctuary not even Mr. Potter will find her."

 

…

 

The warmth of the voices fractured into shards of ice with the next woman. "Look what I did … He can't even keep you safe in this secure room, can he? He gives my type a bad name, so clumsy. I could just leave you here. You'll be dead soon if I do. This was all so easy though. I'm disappointed. But I shouldn't be surprised that you got in the way of the curse, it was for my dear cousin you see. You'll always get in my way. But I'm counting on that for a bit of fun down the line. When I kill you, little miss vermin, it'll take a long time. It will hurt and you will beg. But don't fret; I'll take some comfort from the knowledge that saving you will make you wish you'd died today… _Et totum illud spatiumque carnem, et introduces in domum salvum facere quod perierat. Tumultus carnis et animae. solvere funes corruptionis in hac lingua fecit. et curate seam alligaverit redditum. Liga redditum et curate seam._ " There was a high pitched sound, like the unsheathing of a  knife. "That should do it. So sorry friend, your lover is coming back. Imagine if he saw me here, ah such a tempting thought but I think I'll step out…"

 

...

 

For a long time after that there was just a beat, a steady double beat. She realised she could feel her heart and It hurt. The more she felt the pain the more of herself she became aware of and the more pain there was. She wanted to stay above the viscous circle claiming her, stay in the warmth, in this insulated world of sound. But the awareness advanced cruelly. She felt her lungs next, felt the weight crushing them down. That led to her onto her bones. They were on fire, a marrow mesh that trapped her, pinning her down. The roaring flames made it hard to hear the voices.

 

 Through it all there was a single point of concentrated coolness. She couldn't pinpoint where on her body it fell, but she knew it was there. She thought it might be moving, proved right when it suddenly quenched a burning bone, one of the non-English voices started to shout, followed by the voice who was always there. She liked it when he spoke. He was shouting too now. She didn't like him shouting, it stung more than her bones. She wanted to stay hidden from the noise. "Her heart beat! Someone help her, her heart beat keeps going up."

 

Calmer voices came next "That's good, she's getting closer to us." The voices all clamoured for attention. She focused on the cool touch instead. The more she focused on it the more she could feel. It was tight on her … skin. Yes, she had skin. She could feel it now. It hurt too. It bound up all the pain into so small a volume, compressing it into her body. She wasn't enough to fight it. Merlin it hurt. Another voice was there now, it was awful. It was high pitched and rough. It was harrowed and desolate and it wouldn't stop. "I'm here" The warm voice sobbed "Oh Merlin, Lily I'm right here."  
"We're going to have to put her under."  
"No, please she's nearly here."  
"She won't able to take the strain of it; listen to her she's dying."

 

Another voice entered. "This is all just part of the process. There's no way around this pain. No one understands magic like this. It's ancient and its dark but if you want Miss Evans back you have to let her do this. Everyone but Mr Potter move back. She responds to him. Let him guide her back."

 

"Right … Okay. Lily, can you stop screaming my love? I'm here." She felt the cold split into two and move. Two hands … at her cheeks. There was resistance there. She was moving. The high pitched wail lowered to protracted, wounded groans and sobs. "There now. Okay, they're telling me things I don't understand Lils. Merlin, I bet you would understand them. You could learn so much from them Lily... I didn't keep you safe. Remember the day in the common room? We said we'd keep each other safe for as long as we could. I thought I would keep you safe for so much longer. Come back to me. Come back to me and I swear no one will ever touch you again. Come back Lily. Come home."

 

…

 

The night had been horrific. The whole of St. Mungo's had heard her. She had screamed and screamed and screamed his name over and over.

 

 James stroked her cheek gently. Even when she had been helpless, dying, she had called for him. He had talked her back, they said. The healers would only say that it was dark magic, older and darker than they had ever seen and that he had talked her back. He was sitting on a creaky chair by her bed, his elbows by her side on the mattress, gently bending her arm up, her hand clasped in both of his and her knuckles pressed to his lips. He had been like that for hours. Since the healers had left them once the screaming was done. They told him to keep contact with her or talk. She looked so peaceful now it was hard to believe the screaming had happened. She looked so fragile that words would shatter her glassy frame. So he held her hand in tortured silence.

 

"The purest way to bring her home." A voice said approvingly behind him. James whipped his head around, her hand still clasped protectively in both of his. Dumbledore was standing at the door of the room, watching over them. "They said that you wanted to understand what happened last night … I understand it was somewhat traumatic. Would you like me to explain?" He asked, walking in and keeping a respectful distance from her bed. James nodded, turning to face her again as Dumbledore spoke, focusing on Lily. In truth, now that she was recovering he didn't want to know, the only time he ever wanted to picture her like that again was when he cast the same curse on Bellatrix, to know she would suffer the same. He thought Dumbledore would disapprove of that though, so he let him explain.

 

"In essence ...The curse ripped her soul from her body temporarily, the process of sinking back into herself should have killed her … somehow she survived. No one can figure out what prompted the process to start. She's strong, stronger than anyone could have imagined. James, the only thing that can lead a lost soul home is the purest kind of love, a wish for peace and nothing more, no motive or recompense or earthly want in mind. She is here because of you." Dumbledore said proudly.

 

 "Can someone show Snape that in writing?" James sighed, humour lost as tears dripped from his eyes, onto the sheets beside her. They had ripped her apart in the most inhuman way possible, taken away all that she was, leeched her of her soul and her life. All he had been able to do was watch and whisper. "You think he doesn't know what you feel? It's the reason he hates you so much. That you, of all people, could love her better than he ever could makes him feel so weak … he rails against it. He shouldn't be hated James, even though he hurt her in the past. He should be pitied for his weakness just as Bellatrix ought to be punished. To be truthful, he would see the responses as one and the same."  
"I hut her when we were young…" he commented  
"You've grown James, grown into the light; Severus chose to fester in the dark, brewing in spite and self-entitlement. You are different." The headmaster assured.

 

"Do I have to forgive him? I'm not really up to that." A gentle whisper came. For once, even Dumbledore looked surprised. Lily’s lips quivered up into a brief smile.   
"No Miss Evans, as long as you don't prick his hide, I believe your battle with Severus Snape is done. You have others to attend to you, I shall see you soon." With that he was gone. James had jumped up as soon as she had spoken, stroking her hair lovingly with wonder in his eyes. There was only Lily now.

 

It was the most peaceful feeling to see him at last, to pair his face with his voice. She was too weak to speak again after that and James seemed to know not to pain her with sound. All he would do was stroke her hair for a long while. Any other day she would tell him off for looking at her the way he was looking at her then. She caught him sometimes, staring at her like the sun didn't compare and it scared her to realise how much he felt for her. Today it gave her strength to be so loved. For once it didn't make her feel weak or sting her pride. Today she healed from their love.

 

It had been a day. Just over 24 hours after the curse had been cast on her. It felt like years since the end of the match. But it was another day before she was discharged, which was a much more high profile event than she had imagined.

 

She and James hadn't been disturbed by anyone but the healers since Dumbledore left. He returned with too many people, each carrying too much noise. Sirius was the first through the door, followed by Remus and Peter. James hesitated before stepping aside, letting Remus close to her. "You gave me a scare …" He whispered to her. "I should have been there. Things might have been different."  
"No." She whispered. "If I hadn't gone to him, you would have. You were ill already. It could have been so much worse." She managed, touching his cheek to reassure him. He nodded and gave her hand a squeeze so light that it was barely a touch.

 

Two men and a woman she didn't know came in behind them with the headmaster. They were not introduced. "What is all this?" She managed.  
"Your welcoming party, a welcome back to consciousness and let's get you welcomed to Hogwarts again party." James said.  
"How will we all get back?" She asked.  
"You aren't strong enough to apperate. So it'll be brooms once it gets dark enough, that's why there's so many of us. We aren't taking any chances on you getting hurt between here and Hogwarts." The woman said.  
"Can't I take care of myself? It's not that I'm ungrateful, this is just a little extreme." Lily sighed, slightly offended by the insinuation of her weakness.  
"If I may, Miss Evans. Only the Order members were supposed to be present. Your friends insisted on their attendance. Secondly, you'll be unconscious and you and Mr. Potter shall be riding a thestral." Dumbledore qualified.  
"Unconscious?" she demanded. "James I don't want to sleep again." She said in distress.  
"It's alright. You can stay awake" James said soothingly, wanting to do anything to make it easier on her.  
"Sorry son, she's already slipping under. That last potion she had was a sedative…" one of the male order members said brusquely.

 

"What?" she gasped "James, no." she whimpered, reaching for him  
"Hasn't she had enough?" Remus snapped, going to the other side the bed to hold her hand.  
"Don't want to sleep" She whispered, voice growing faint already. James' face was blank, just staring at her hands as she lost consciousness.   
"Let's get her home." He said at last. "We can take care of her there without the cloak and dagger." He gave the order a meaningful look as he picked her up. Sirius could see the anger behind James' eyes. No one would dare do anything else to Lily now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise i'll update again so quickly, but i'm hoping to have chapter 17 up by the end of March. See you soon,
> 
> \- L


	17. Phobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come for the Marauders to prove themselves to The Order of The Phoenix. Their trials plunge some into their worst nightmares and all the while Lily is still recovering from Bellatrix's attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter which is long over due for my long suffering readers
> 
> ... actually this whole fic is getting pretty long isn't it? Kudos to you for reading this far because chapter 2 still makes me cringe
> 
> \- L

"Morning Lily" Remus smiled as her eyelids twitched for the first time since they got her back to the dorm, a tell-tale sign she was conscious. "It's not morning" She muttered back. "It's too dark and fuzzy and warm."  
"That's James." He smiled "Open your eyes." He urged softly. She did, slowly glancing around as best she could without moving her head too much. "Hey Prongsie." She smiled, touching the snout that came in to nuzzle her cheek. "What's with the antlers love?" She asked him. He gave a gentle bleat and put his head on her shoulder, looking at her like that was a real answer. She laughed softly, stroking his neck.

"He said it was comfier and warmer for you." Remus explained, looking around as Sirius appeared from behind a curtain. "Do you to always … canoodle with him like that?" He asked cheekily. James hit him with an antler.  
"How do we all even fit if James is like this?" She asked, ignoring the remark as she always did when Sirius implied something that made her blush. "We pushed all four of the beds together and closed the outside edge curtains." Sirius smiled, pushing a tea tray into the heart of the bed. "There are five beds." She said quickly. "It’s okay Lil, we know you sometimes share … relax we aren't offended" Remus said gently.  
She sighed and nodded, wincing as she reached for a cup. "I feel a lot better … am I supposed to feel better?" She asked.   
"You still look like your recovering to us." Sirius smiled. As Lily lowered her cup Peter crawled over on four little legs, sipping from the edge of it. "Your bedside manner is shit." She commented bluntly. Remus smirked a little.

They all settled like that, occasionally passing Lily a potion that St. Mungo's had sent back to the castle with her. A few times she tried healing spells on herself, bringing a rush of relief each time. Mentally, she felt well but everything ached deeply, like her soul had welded itself within her, compressing her bones and muscle as it clung to them, refusing to be pulled away again. If they noticed her eyes occasionally glaze over they didn't mention it but a gentle nudge from James brought her back to her senses. 

There was a knock at the door as the sky grew dark on the second day they had spent like that. Remus helped Lily sit up as James skittered from the vast bed, hooking some clothes onto his antlers as he ran for the bathroom, Peter followed, trying to drag some pyjamas after him. Sirius, now a hound, gave the rumble that Lily had learnt was a laugh before he transformed in front of her. "Enjoy the view darling" he winked, kicking Peter's clothes to the bathroom for him as he went to his trunk and pulled on some jogging bottoms. "So that's why they won't change in front of me" She smiled, feeling foolish for not having realised. "We can't take our clothes with us between human and animagus." Sirius confirmed. James came back out of the bathroom and shot Sirius a glance. "Were you naked?"   
"I'm not complaining." Lily said with a teasing smile "Quidditch looks good on anyone." James rolled his eyes as he finally answered the door. "If I wasn't taken" She assured Sirius.   
"You're not really my type hun, no offence."  
"It's the hair isn't it? Some people can't handle a red-head." She bantered; glad someone wasn't treating her like she was made of glass.

"Professor?" James said, stepping aside to let him into the dorm. They all looked up as Dumbledore entered the room, Peter joining them from the bathroom at the same time. As the headmaster walked past James taped his wand to Peter's shirt, it had been inside out from the haste it was put on with and magically righted itself. "I admire what you've done with the place, I must admit." Dumbledore said. Remus interrupted the confused silence in a flustered tone. "We'll put the beds back Sir, we just wanted to spend time together after what happened…"  
"Fret not, Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore carried on. "How you all arrange your chambers is up to you, I'm simply glad Miss Evans has such attentive friends. How are you feeling Lily?" He smiled kindly. She was a little taken aback by his using her first name but she smiled back. "Much better thank you Headmaster. It's impossible not to recover when so much fussing is going on." The teacher smiled warmly.   
"Well I have good news to share with you. You should make a fast recovery Miss Evans, I was researching your ailment and I discovered that physically your strength will return within 48 hours as it wasn't strictly your body that the curse affected. Secondly, The Order has decided to test you all this Friday evening. You will be taken into the woods after dusk and you will be faced with individual challenges. The Order has asked me to impress upon you that these challenges are designed for each of you to face as individuals. There are some concerns amongst The Order on some of you. These challenges are designed to dispel those fears. Perform to your best and I'm confident that you will pass these challenges. Convene outside my office before dusk. Good luck"

…

 

"These tests are tailored to test you against your weaknesses as well as general survival, combat and stealth skills. Your appointment to The Order will be made on a case by case basis and if you do not meet these requirements all memory of The Order will be taken from you and the memory of your being here will be taken from your peers to ensure you will not be endangered by any entanglement with this society. No one will ever know you were here, including you." The man speaking was dark skinned and tall, standing atop an old gnarled tree stump in the very heart of the forbidden forest to tower over the recruits. His words were pragmatic, harsh even, but his eyes were kind. He could only be about five years older than them but the deep blue cloak around him was filigreed with golden thread. Whoever he was, he held a high position for one so young. "You will be released to the woods in different directions at intervals."

They all nodded in understanding and the young man hopped down, sending people off in different directions to meet their judges. Peter watched as James pecked Lily's cheek and nodded to his friends in turn as they were dispersed.   
Peter had run these woods a thousand times, he knew he height of every root that parted the earth, he knew how to navigate every thorn and bramble that might snag him. This was the one place in the world that Peter Pettigrew was graceful, an expert. However this only occurred when he was racing away on four short legs, seeing the minutia of the forbidden forest from ground level, a perspective no one else would ever see. For the initiation however, all of the marauders had to remain bipedal. The judges would be watching their every move. To his discomfort, Peter was in the first group to be released. Professor McGonagall was waiting for him in a clearing. "Mr. Pettigrew. Your challenge awaits to the west. You will reach a bog if you follow this path -"  
"Past the thestral's paddock" he nodded, not noticing her expression change.  
"Exactly. I shall not ask why you know that Mr. Pettigrew, I should hate to have to give you all detentions for reasons which some of you may be forced to forget." She said pointedly. Peter had the good grace to be abashed, remembering that, as a student, he was supposed to be ignorant of the forest's secrets. McGonagall continued "At the bog you should find your challenge. Any dangers you encounter on your way there or back are unexpected occurrences which allow you to prove your resourcefulness. Do you understand?" The doubting tone in her question was painfully clear in her voice; her fear for his safety sickened him a little. They still saw him as useless, the fat little first year clinging to James' robe hems. One day he'd prove that he was strong. At the thought he stayed his anger. It was better to play a clumsy fool than be discovered. He would have to play the balance; clumsy enough not to arouse suspicion but still good enough to join The Order with the rest. "I understand" He smiled.   
"Then you may go" McGonagall said, expression fonder now, almost proud. That was worse than doubtful, he decided as he set off at a jog along the western path. Much worse.

…

James had watched Peter, Lily and Sirius go, guessing each of them would carry on in the direction they had gone to meet their watcher. Lily had gone East, Sirius north. That was the track James was sent along a few minutes later, seeing the man who had been speaking before waiting for him. "The famous James Potter. Your challenge lies north." He said, apparently feeling content to leave it at that. James started along the way, turning after a few paces so he was walking backwards. "Can I ask you a question about The Order?" The man nodded in agreement. "Does someone physically have to shove that enigmatic stick up your arse or can it be done magically?" He grinned cockily. Much to his surprise the man laughed. "Impress me James; we'll need gallows humour before this war's done." James turned back and ran into the woods, wand in hand, determined to do just that.

…

It had been silent on the journey; even the Thestrals had been so quiet that Peter had no idea whether they were even there or not. He could smell the bogs before he reached them. The treacherous quagmires stank of decomposition and decay. As he reached the shores he spotted the source of the putrid stench. A centaur foal lay atop the thick sludge, face down. It was long dead but it stayed near the surface. Peter had always thought this place was sentient, that it left things at its surface to tempt down would-be rescuers. Then it would consume them too. A deep groan echoed across the surface. He had to keep reminding himself it was just heat escaping in gaseous bubbles. It was obvious where his challenge lay. An ancient chest stood on a patch of solid ground in the centre of the swamp. The challenge lay in getting to it.

After several very close calls, Peter managed to replicate the path he usually took across the swamp in rat form. His heavier human body proved ungainly and difficult to manoeuvre over the sensitive ground but he soon reached the chest. "Alohomora" He sighed, tapping the locked lid without conviction. It had to be harder than that. The lid flew off the crate, spiralling through the air and plummeting into the black wastes with an uncomfortable squelching sound. He glanced back at the crate. Nothing happened for just long enough for him to get angry. This was it. His great challenge. It was easy. No doubt the others would have grand tales to match their reputations. Just as a sneer crept up his face he was thrown from his feet. He landed on his back hard, his head inches from a greedy maw of the pit. He sucked in air and sat up. His brow furrowed as he recognised his own shoes before him across the island, followed by his trousers, his shirt and his face with a cruel smirk on his features.

"Always crawling about in the dirt, aren't you? Always so keen to be at someone's feet, grovelling if you can." This other Peter was cold, calm, and precise. It made him not like Peter at all. He stumbled to his feet, caked in mud but transfixed by his reflection. "I wonder if any amount of grovelling could redeem you for what you've done?" the doppelganger mused indifferently. Suddenly he was morphing, his face melting and features sliding as he grew and Sirius stood before him. "I'd never forgive you, rat. I'd kill you for what you're doing to us all, under our noses too. I never knew you had it in you. Well done Wormy mate." He spat with venom.   
"I didn't mean to at the start. I had to." He pled with the figure, suddenly terrified. He screwed his eyes shut. This wasn't real, it was the challenge. But what in Merlin's name could be doing this. "You had to do it for me, didn't you Petey?" A little girl's voice floated, melodic and perfect over the desolate swamp. "Amelia. You shouldn't be here." He whispered, opening his eyes to see her. She was younger than now, healthy and whole. "You always said you'd look after me. You said that's what a big brother was for. And you are taking care of me. All that money they give you relieves the pain Peter. It's like I can breathe when you bring me the potions. I can hear you when you bring me them, just for a while" She said, big blue doe eyes and blonde plaits drawing him in. He so desperately wished it were her. "Stop it! Stop lying!" he snapped "Whatever you are, you're not her. She's lying broken and dying in London and you will not desecrate her memory." He was shouting now. The bottom lip of the hollow child wavered but then she was gone.

"Don't think I'd leave you so soon, Peter." A voice came from behind him. He spun around, finding himself face to face with himself once more. His feet slipped in the mud but he regained his footing, staying up "You're getting as good at this as the lies aren't you?" He smiled "I could change all of that though. I could run back to the castle and tell everyone the truth about your little rendezvous." In a blur Dumbledore was over him, voice thundering "You would tell me everything you had divulged to the enemy, Pettigrew. There would be no reward for you but a lifetime in Azkaban." Another blur and Snape was leering at him. "And what do you think the dark lord would say in response to a comfortable life in Azkaban after you revealed our upper hand?" a terrible screeching filled the air as Voldemort himself rushed at Peter across the plains, howling. "You will beg for death." It screamed in an inhuman wail. Peter's fear had his wand between him and the threat, a unforgivable curse already fleeing his lips in cowardice "Avada-"

He stopped himself suddenly. A death eater stood before him, deathly still and silent. It was eerie after the dark lord's screaming. They shed their cloak, exposing Hogwarts robes beneath, arms visible without a dark mark upon them. Then the sneering mask was removed and Lily was stood, smiling at him, one light of hope in this godforsaken hell-scape. "It’s okay Peter" She smiled, reaching out to wipe away the tears that had stained his face "It'll be okay." her brow furrowed sadly "But you're going to kill me Peter"  
"No" he moaned in grief. Her face was calm, accepting.  
"You're the rat, Wormtail. You'll kill us all. Me, James, Sirius and sweet Remus. You'll destroy every last one of us. But I'll still love you because I'll never know it was you that put a blade in my back."  
"Riddikulous" he cursed in a choked sob. Her face contorted and the boggart became Severus Snape once more. He lay dead and bleeding at Peter's feet, destroyed by his own secret spell that Bella had turned on Lily. And Peter laughed. It was hollow and tortured but he started laughing and found he could not stop. It was all too much. It echoed over empty space and he distantly wondered if he had given his head of house a good show.

…

James had been on the north bound path for so long he was wondering if he had jogged past his challenge. He'd stopped jogging a while ago. "Come on James, you can't get lost in these bloody woods …" He muttered, pressing further into the forest. The branches were so thick and interwoven overhead here that he had to light his wand, no star or moonlight penetrated the forest here. After a while he became of another sound, someone moving parallel with him, he could see their wand light getting closer and closer. He paused, using a spell he had seen Lily use at the start of the year "homenum revelio" He said. A wave of light spread out and dissipated. Absolutely nothing happened. He was alone, yet the light was growing closer. "Nox." He whispered, plunging himself into darkness. 

The creature finally broke the tree line, shining so brightly that he had to shade his eyes. His first wild thought was that he was seeing a unicorn foal. The creature stood at the wooded fringe until his eyes adjusted. "Lily?" He smiled as the doe appeared. "Are you finally getting your revenge on me for scaring you? I was hurt when I came to you as a deer." He said softly, stroking the doe. His expression clouded over. "Why would you send me a patronus? … Lily" He said, suddenly panicking "Where's Lily?" He demanded. The doe turned, running to the east, the direction she had gone in. He took off after it as fast as he could, his task utterly forgotten. 

He had left the worn path behind him. The doe bonded gracefully as she soared over the snagging brambles that tried to pull him down. Ahead, in the doe's glow he spotted something that filed his chest with icy dread. Lily, her pale skin leeched of colour, her hair splayed around her face like a pool of blood. She was still, breathless "Lily?" He screamed, throwing himself at her body but when he went to grab her, his hand passed through her and she was gone. He gulped in a deep breath, wiping his eyes as he glanced around wildly. "Lil?" He yelled. He yelped in pain as something wrapped tightly around his ankle. "A trap." He spat as more black vines ensnared him. He inhaled, stopping his struggles as he realised it was devils snare, pulling him down. He kicked down, feeling the snare below him snap, giving way to nothing. He chose not to fight, soon finding himself projected down into a mud-walled chamber. He pulled his wand out, illuminating the cave to find it was a passage. 

He swallowed, taking a moment to calm himself. Lily was fine; The order wouldn't let her get anything worse than cut and bruises tonight. It was a part of his challenge. Once he had convinced himself of that he took in his surroundings. As he moved deeper into the cave system he found that all of the tributaries were walled off by thick spider webs, forcing him down a single path. Distantly, he heard clicks reverberating through the tunnels, pushing him to move faster through the maze. Suddenly he was running into another circular chamber. He paused. In the centre of the cave stood a raised dais, a scroll lying furled atop it. "This is the most Indiana Jones thing I've ever seen." he whispered, tentatively approaching the altar and picking up the scroll. He opened it a little. "Runes?" He muttered. As he did, a drop of liquid fell from the roof, striking the aged paper. He swallowed. "I get the feeling this'll be the most Indiana Jones thing I'll ever see." He corrected, daring to look up. The roof was hidden, disguised by the vast web network above him. Shadows danced above this skin, looming larger and larger until a vast arachnid crashed to the ground behind him, blocking off the tunnel he had entered through. "shit" He muttered as the acromantula reared up, the size of a horse. It gave a scream and James looked up as thunderous clicks filled the room. The sound was coming from above him; the roof was a vertical tunnel, the walls festooned with the monster's family. "Shit shit shit" He chanted, sprinting for another cave mouth.

The tunnel vibrated around him as he ran, firing curses over his shoulder. "Sirius would bloody love this … Impedimentra, lumos maxima." He growled. He was finally driven into a dead end, only a thick web ahead of him. "Expulso." He called, halting his run so fast that he tumbled to the ground, taken unaware at the strength of the fire igniting the thick clot of webbing. He got to his feet quickly, scrambling through the fiery debris of the web, finding himself out in the night air of the forest, the angry screams of the acromantula becoming more and more distant as he ran. 

Just as he was starting to tire he was swept of his feet, hitting the ground with a huff. He looked up to see Lily rolling over, scrambling to her feet after the collision, wand quickly pointing at James "Oh it's you, déjà vu." She smiled, offering him a hand. "Lil! No wait. You're just another distraction." He said, rolling from her, certain she was another apparition. "I'm not a distraction you git, I'm your girlfriend." She said, indignation growing. "Come here James" She said as he backed away. "You're hurt."  
"No I saw you and you weren't real." He insisted.  
"Well I'm real now, you psychotic." She muttered, helping him up and pulling him along the path.  
"If you're real, why are you leading me away from the camp when we need to go back?"  
"I'm leading you to the camp James" She sighed in exasperation.  
"No, you're leading me west."  
"Yes. I went east so camp is west. You must have left the path and gotten disorientated."  
"Only because you were a distraction" He murmured, a petulant child.  
"I wasn’t a bloody distraction" She snapped, pride wounded.  
"Aright then, where's the camp?" He challenged.  
"Well … it should be here … somewhere." She admitted, looking around haughtily to avoid admitting she was wrong.  
"You are the real Lily" He admitted with a small smile at her insistent pride. She rolled he eyes and smiled reluctantly "Piss off" She smiled, laughing suddenly.

"What was your task?" He asked, taking her hand and pointing them in the right direction.  
"To show off really. They set loads of men and dogs and stuff after me. I ran for a while, threw as many hurdles at them as I could. I climbed a tree and duelled with them like that. I turned them into a lovely dinner service." She smiled, proud of herself for stopping them without having to badly harm anyone. "How about you?" She asked  
"I got lured off the path, half throttled by a bloody pant, chased by acromantula, found this in a cave." He listed with a shrug, handing her the tattered scroll he'd found. "That’s not English" she frowned, unrolling them "Runes?" She questioned. He nodded in response. "Can you translate them?" She asked.  
"Not as well as Moony could, but I don't think we need to. My mission was a find and retrieve, noting else." He said "Also the first three words mean 'Bananas marry hats'." He added with a smile. She laughed and punched his am softly.

She paused as he looped his arm around her shoulders, holding her hand up as he went to speak. "Wait can you hear that?"  
"Hear what?" He asked  
"Is that peter?" She frowned, taking his hand instead and pulling him into a run beside her as they passed through the forest, stopping sharply at the tree line. Lily over-balanced; almost falling into the thick grey sludge of the swamp but James caught her at the last moment, pulling her close, looking around at the hysterical laughter that was coming from Peter, kneeling on a solid patch of ground in the centre of the quagmire. A figure in front of Peter faded out of existence. "Oh Merlin, he just killed a boggart." James said. Lily pulled away, working her way over to Peter and helping him to his feet. His laughter had stopped but now he looked catatonic, diminished as he slumped over the bland ground.

When they got back to the clearing Sirius and Remus were standing close together. Remus was paler than after a moon and Sirius was kneeling by the stump he was sat on, desperately trying to reassure him. "Look they're here Moony."  
"You're all okay?" Remus e asked.  
"Why wouldn't we be?" James asked, sitting Peter down  
"They made it look like you were all dying in a duel and I had to fight on to save you. They took my wand so I did non-verbals. I tried to save you all I swear but I was as weak as after a moon. I was useless…"  
"It's okay Moony, these challenges were specific." Lily reassured

"How do you mean?" Remus asked, looking to her over Peter's shoulder.  
"I mean they distracted James with the thought of me being in danger. They must think his loyalties will be divided, that he won't take orders if I'm in his way." she explained.  
"And testing how I'd cope in battle with the thought of being helpless because of what I am." he realised.   
"They made me make a logical choice to protect someone, to take a tactical retreat rather than throwing myself into a fight like I wanted to" Sirius added. "They made me rescue kids."  
"They tested how diverse your arsenal is now, Lils." James said. She nodded at that.  
"They were testing our specific strengths and weaknesses. The Order knows us already."

"Peter? What did they test you for?" Lily asked. They all glanced to him.  
"They tested my cowardice." He said hollowly, looking down. She rubbed his arm, biting her lip as guilt set in. He didn't notice as they all exchanged a long look at that. Everyone seemed to enter the clearing at once, a kneazle still chasing Alice until she caught it within a charmed bubble that wafted it away. "Thank you all for coming.” The stranger smiled, following her into the clearing. "Your fates will be decided in the coming hours. But for now, it's almost dawn, return to your houses and rest. You'll hear from us soon." On the way up to the castle it was clear that James, Peter and Remus were struggling with what they'd seen. Once they got to the entrance hall Peter insisted that he needed a snack and cup of tea, telling them to go to up without him. It was clear that they a need a lot of attention. "You take the dorm." Lily murmured to Sirius. I have an idea." he hesitated and nodded, leading a uncommunicative Remus away. She steered James to the room of requirement, wishing for somewhere safe. 

The room was small when they entered, gentle candle light and a tray of food was waiting as well as basic medical supplies. Everything they needed was here. "It's weird, isn't it?" She asked gently, pulling some bandages from an open trunk. "What weird?" James asked, lifting a tattered edge of a shirt to peer at the cut in his side.   
"Us-not-babysitting-the-rest-of-the-fantastic-four-weird. Don't get me wrong, they're my brothers now. I love them, but sometimes it just feels like we're one unit. I'm frightened I'll get lost in the cascade of us all." She said softly. She shook her head as if clearing it, playing with the bandages the room had provided her with, she was being silly. They needed to be cohesive, now more than ever. "I know exactly what you mean. It's nice to be my own person for once rather than one of the Marauders. Just like our first date." He smiled. "Our only date to date" She corrected with a sly smile.

He laughed at that, quickly dropping a hand to the still bleeding cut. "Don't laugh" She said quickly. "Take what's left of that shirt off and sit down, I'll sort that out." She nodded to the wound. "Oh the things Sirius would say to that." He teased.   
"Well thankfully you are not Sirius Black. You are my boyfriend and I'd like to enjoy your company without any of his snide, suggestive remarks creeping through." she said it seriously but the smile gave her away.

She got a bowl of warm water and a cloth as well as the medical supplies. She focused on her work, cleaning the cut. It was reasonably shallow, but stretched all the way across his abdominals. Once it was clean she smoothed a green paste over the top of it, smiling as his muscles gave a minute ripple at the cold feeling of the texture. It was so nice just to be so close to him without fear of prying eyes that would skip to judgements and without fear of interruption. They were just together and it was blissful. She wrapped the length of bandage around him thrice, gently it soothing it down with her hands, pressing the cloth into the thick potion, the paste binding it to him. It had been peacefully quiet throughout the process, only the gentle breaths and guttering of candles gave sound. But now she had to recite an incantation she had been learning. The incantation was melodic, soft and it seemed to wax and wane in time with the swaying flames. A long while later it faded away to silence.

"It's done" She whispered. The barest touch had the bandage slipping from him. He looked down, both the incision and the minty paste was gone. He ran finer along the long thin pink line that dissected his body. The abrasion was raised and tapered away to skin neatly at the ends. "When did you learn that?" He asked, voice quiet with awe. Everything felt reverent in that room, even the air was becoming heady and warm. She smiled. "My basic healing isn't so basic any more. When you go out on the moon I go to Madame Pomfrey and she tutors me a little. It's nothing on what you did for me though. You fused my soul into my bones again, that takes a whole different type of magic."

"You're amazing" He whispered gently. "What you did out there, how you faced your tests. You had so much dignity, You kept your head and your beliefs. It would have been far easier to hurt them; you did the right thing though, just stopping them. Mercy isn't weak Lily, no matter what the judges say."  
"You were the noble one … You shouldn't have tried to look after me. We're probably all going to get flayed for helping each other so much" She smiled wryly. They lapsed into a comfortable silence for a moment, thinking of the repercussions of the trials. Somehow the fear of being excluded from The Order was distant; it didn't really touch them here.

"We can make it through this. If we can be part of this Order then we can fight. We can do it together and we'll never have to deal with all of this … threat and uncertainty and loss alone." She said, pushing the medical supplies aside and lying down beside him. He smiled as she leaned in to kiss him lightly, he pulled away to speak but she shook her head slightly, kissing him again, this time with enough emotion to keep him stunned. He could feel all of the relief, all of her pain and love and something she never let herself indulge in. At that he did pull back. 

"Lily you don't have to do this. I don't want you to feel like you have to just because of what happened tonight." He whispered, eyes bright as he cupped her cheek "James." She smiled. "Look around … There’s just us, hidden here and safe from the rest of the world and we haven't a threat or a doubt in our minds. We did the best we could today and judgement can fall wherever it likes but for now we're together. We're safe and so alive in this insulated little bubble for just one night. I want to spend it with you … Properly. This isn't a spur of the moment thing. You're not the only one who wants this James" She said, knowing he would never have considered that she had been waiting for him as much as he had her. "I understand if you want to wait though." She said softly. He kissed her at that, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I bloody love you, you know?" He smiled. She laughed at that   
"Then show me." She said lovingly, kissing him again. This time he didn't pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... any thoughts?
> 
> Uni is over for the year so I should be seeing you all again soon. 
> 
> \- L

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that you're enjoying it so far, let me know what you think in the comments or pm me. 
> 
> Sorry that updates are being slow, I haven't been writing while exams are on, I'll try and have chapter 7 up before the end of June. 
> 
> \- L


End file.
